My eyes are red and swollen. I can only keep myself from crying for a few hours’ time, if that. Then I am reminded that he is no longer here by some random noise, smell, or feeling and it all comes flooding back again. LeRoy is gone.
The husband brought him to the vet on Tuesday, and a woman we had never seen before was there to help, and she was just what we needed. She is a Frenchie owner herself and she assured us that LeRoy was suffering and no longer really “there”. I don’t believe in coincidences, so it was no surprise she was there just when we needed her to be.
He scheduled the appointment for the following day, Wednesday morning as soon as they could, and the husband took care of everything including payment the night before so that we wouldn’t be bothered with it during our grief. I didn’t go then because I knew if I were there we would have decided to do it then and I still wasn’t ready. When they returned home, LeRoy finally stopped pacing and just slept. It was as if he was trying to tell us something was wrong with his pacing and once we finally understood, he was able to rest.
I laid next to him on and off all day and through the night and pet and cuddled him endlessly. Even if he only knew who I was for seconds at a time, if that, I wanted him to know I was there whenever he awoke from his slumber. We cooked him a steak dinner and rice and he barely did anything but sleep and eat. He looked worse than ever. When he tried to walk, he would simply fall on his face. It was so sad but at least we felt we were doing the right thing. He was miserable.
We tried our best not to think about what was to come, though we were devastated, but spent as much time with him as we could possibly do so in 24hours time.
Wednesday morning was so hard, we just laid with him and cried until it was time to go.
I was holding LeRoy in my arms, in his gray hoodie sweatshirt, my favorite one on him, while he just stared off into the distance. He didn’t know where he was even as we walked into the vet, he was calm. The same vet the husband had talked to the previous day was there and as I was sobbing uncontrollably she assured me again that it was the right thing to do.
We sobbed and pet him and told him we loved him and that he was a good boy until he was quiet and no longer there. And then we cried on and off for the rest of the day. I can’t believe how hard it has been.
I’m so sorry to lay this heavy and sad news on you, but I can’t seem to think about anything else let alone find the creativity to post for now. I’m guessing there will be at least one more LeRoy post in the coming week, as I mourn this loss… it’s the only way I know how.
Thank you for all your sweet emails and comments, here, on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. You’ve all been so supportive and it has been so helpful. I know anyone who has pets in their family has had to deal with this kind of loss, and it’s just heartbreaking on so many levels. Thank you all for your kind words lately.