Making Lemonade …or at least squeezing the lemons

After a dinner at Gyu Kaku last night with husband and friend Timmy which included them drinking 2.75 bottles of Sake and 2 beers each, an unavoidable trip to the Christmas tree lot accompanied by two drunkards trying to sell me on the idea of rearranging our living room furniture to fit an 8ft tree, to a screaming match with said drunk husband that lasted until 3am, I concluded that {not only should my husband not intake more than one bottle of Sake} but that my self-induced holiday misery had more to it than meets the eye . . .er, met the eye.

I think I realized that some of the doom and gloom I have felt towards Christmas for the past five years has more to do with my father and less to do with the “no house, no baby blues” than I’d like to admit. {cringe}

But don’t you think it’s much easier to blame everything on superficial things and have-nots therefore avoiding dealing with actual pain? – Me too!

But at around 1:43am while angrily trying to fall asleep a vision entered my mind, a memory if you will, which set off an uncontrollable fit of tears and hiccups. I stomped back downstairs to start it up again with my husband and within minutes realized the big tears came streaming down only when my dad popped into my head.

Here’s the short version
My parents divorced when I was eleven. My brother and I would spend every other weekend with our father. When I was about 15, dad moved to Vegas because he caused a car accident on a suspended license and would have gone to jail had he not run. From that time on, I only saw him on Christmas and usually spoke with him on my birthday in June. He died in March 2003 and the last time I really saw him prior to one visit in the hospital, was Christmas.

There are so many emotions wrapped up and around my dad and clearly they have taken over my Christmas spirit as well. I’m not exactly sure how to deal with them as I dislike “dealing” with everything and would rather just avoid the pain. However, to move on and not get depressed year after year during the holiday season, I am going to have to figure out how to “deal” with this asap. As AA members will attest, the first step is admitting you have a problem.

And even though I did sound like a spoiled brat complaining about a truly blessed life, at least the “no house, no baby blues” was the catalyst to self-discovery and hopefully a road to healing.

Thank you for all your kind comments.

…oh and happy holidays 🙂 hope you’re all doing okay during this time.

LA native & lifestyle blogger Maegan Tintari writes daily at ...love Maegan.com sharing beauty & style secrets, including fashion DIYs, how-to nail art manicures, hair tutorials, recipes & home decorating ideas, as well as a look into her personal life, her journey & battle with infertility & recent relocation to the mountains by a lake in search of a better life with her adorable French Bulldog brothers, Trevor and Randy.

35 Comments

  • Maki

    December 3, 2008 |

    OMG – Gyu Kaku!!!! I used to eat Gyu Kaku like crazy when I was in Japan and Hawaii… And Sake??? Yum yum – sometimes I’m happy that I am from Japan.

    With that said, now I know why you feel blues during this holiday season which is totally assoicated with your past with you dad. As you already know, JT has gone to AA/NA and I think it was a huge step for him to start the healing process. I, also have been to Al-Anon and I’ve learned a lot.. It was very painful to be with someone with drug problem that I love so much. I still am not sure if I’m fully 100% forgave my husband, but I’m trying.

    Maegan, I know you can do it — that you’ll heal your past and pain because you’re one awesome, strong and courageous woman I’ve known!!!

  • Maki

    December 3, 2008 |

    ps. oops. what I meant was eat at Gyu Kaku..

  • Gabby

    December 3, 2008 |

    Robert Frost said “The best way out is always through”. It takes a strong person to look inward rather then outward when the shit is hitting the fan.

    🙂

  • La Belette Rouge

    December 3, 2008 |

    Wow! You got to the real issue really fast. You are so strong, courageous, and brave. I am so sorry that the season has triggered such sadness.
    Huge hugs to you and dear Maegan you did not sound like a spoiled brat.
    xoxo

  • jaleh

    December 3, 2008 |

    oh i get you on a lot of this 🙁 you do not sound like a spoiled brat, you have the right to complain about things that make you unhappy. i do the same thing though, i try to pin my problems onto trivial things so i can avoid my real issues but eventually it catches up with you. so good for you for just hitting it head on 🙂

    thank you for your comment by the way and i love your blog <3

  • Annie

    December 3, 2008 |

    No house, no baby, no problems 🙂 j/k Best wishes for you always–I hope things get more cheery.

  • LENORENEVERMORE

    December 3, 2008 |

    …love your honesty dear, sake, tears & all! Road to healing is always there for us to take, cliche; might as well take the journey one step at the time…enjoy the view while on the road. Peace & warm hugs to you beautiful!

  • Baking With Plath

    December 3, 2008 |

    I’m so sorry for all of this pain you are still having to deal with. I might not know you in real life, but if your blog is any indication, then you are a very strong woman and I know you’ll be able to heal and overcome.

    Here’s to hoping you feel better soon <3

  • rebecca

    December 3, 2008 |

    I am so sorry for your sadness. I can relate as when my mom died – I believed it had no affect on me and I could continue life as normal. But at a point soon after I realized I was lying to myself. I let myself cry and be angry that she chose a bottle over me for 30 years. Then I had to accept it wasnt really about me at all – it was an illness she could not control. I know when I have kids it will open up pain again but I know if I sit with it and feel it I can get through it. Maegan you are so strong and I know you too can get through this. Be patient with yourself and know every once and a while we have to feel life – I know easier said then done =)

  • ~Trish~

    December 3, 2008 |

    Awe that’s so sad hon but your a strong woman right?? Buck up lil camper 🙂

  • SassyEngineer

    December 3, 2008 |

    I just recently started reading your blog, and I thoroughly enjoy it 🙂 Anyway, I hope that you are able to find a way to deal and move on. I don’t really have any advice, but I’ll keep you in prayers so you can soon enjoy Christmas again!

  • Fashion Tidbits

    December 3, 2008 |

    new to the blog 🙂

  • Kellie

    December 3, 2008 |

    Awww…good reflection! I’m glad you could finally open up and figure out the cause of your holiday blues. I get that way too a bit around Xmas. We got a dog for Xmas when I was 10 and I loved that lil guy so much. It’s bitter sweet b/c we got him on Xmas day but he also died on Xmas day when I was 22 (he was 12). So the holidays always make me miss him…

    The first step is acknowledging your problem. You’ve gotten through that! Keep going! 🙂 Best wishes!

  • ~alison

    December 3, 2008 |

    yay!!! Good awareness, lady! I mean – I know the pain sucks – but at least you know why you were feeling like you were. My suggestion – when those thoughts come in to your mind {if you are in a place that you can do this…}just let the thoughts come and express whatever you are feeling. The pain that accompanies the thoughts will soon dwindle.

    By the way – I had been thinking about going to Gyu Kaku with you and Pep…

    Oh – are you guys coming over Saturday night for the fight?

  • Summer

    December 3, 2008 |

    First of all, Anne said it right! 😉 Although, I know the grass is always greener on the other side. Always!

    But, I completely know what you’re saying. I have the same attitude around Thanksgiving for the same dad reasons. He’s gone now as well, but ever since I was little, Thanksgiving could come and go and I wouldn’t care one way or another.

    I thought all self discovery was supposed to come in our 20’s and our 30’s we could relax into who we are. 😉 ha ha!

  • Bar-b

    December 3, 2008 |

    I am sorry Maegan. Sorry that the drunk fest and baby talk was the catalyst to your awakening. What a true gift to have been given though huh? Happens to the best of us babe (and only to the best of us ;).

  • Rachel

    December 3, 2008 |

    Maegan it will get better in time. You haven’t allowed yourself time to heal those wounds so they are surfacing. Allison’s idea is so true; go with the pain and feel it you have to to move past it.

    You and your hubby can also create new memories of Christmas and once you do have children you can change everything with them and create wonderful new memories.

    I wish you all the best this holiday season and in 2009!

    PS How is hubby feeling after his sake?

  • SassyTwoSocks

    December 3, 2008 |

    You’ll get through it. Just like you mentioned, knowing this is a HUGE step. My parents divorced around the same age, and I definitely still have baggage. I am very sorry that your dad is no longer with you. It just be hard. But it sounds like you have a great support system in your husband.

  • Laura

    December 3, 2008 |

    The holiday can bring up so many emotions in me as well. Please be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come and how far your going. No need for New Year’s resolutions but maybe year changes. My parents divorced when I was 16. They should have divorced when I was 10 🙂 With such an example it was hard to be open and to have a meaningful relationship. We can do this I promise 🙂

  • DaisyChain

    December 3, 2008 |

    You do not sound like a spoiled brat at all sweets x

  • Chessa

    December 3, 2008 |

    thank you for sharing this. You do not sound like a brat at all. You are so strong. Most people can’t admit these things to themselves, let alone to themselves in front of the whole world. And, like someone else said, these things, perhaps not the exact things, happen to the best of us…even the not-so-best of us. I admire you and think you are very brave and honest.

  • Couture Carrie

    December 3, 2008 |

    M you are such a sweetheart, I am sorry for your pain. I too saw my father precious little growing up, especially around the holidays. Sounds like you are sorting out your feelings in a very healthy way, and just know you have lots of support, even here in our little blogosphere!

    xoxox,
    CC

  • a cat of impossible colour

    December 3, 2008 |

    I’m sorry to hear about your father 🙁 I can relate to some degree – my father died a long time ago, and my stepfather and I have a dreadful relationship that always seems to get worse around the festive season. Christmas can bring back a lot of memories, good and bad.

    Sounds like you’re dealing with it in the best way, though!

  • K.Line

    December 3, 2008 |

    Wow. What a lot to take in. But you are committed to the process and I’m sure you will deal with your feelings so that you can move ahead with your life. That’s quite excellent, actually. Good luck to you!

  • stacy

    December 3, 2008 |

    now you’re talking!

    you almost lost me with the whole ‘no house, no baby blues’ – i like to call those kind of issues ‘first world problems’ or ‘not problems.’

    all the best with this new leg of your journey. i know the destination at the end of this road will be glorious.

  • Felicia

    December 3, 2008 |

    The holidays can create that sort of touchiness when something traumatic happens around that time of year. It’s like a life long reminder of that situation. And you’re right, the first step is admitting you have a problem. I know firsthand it’s harder than it seems, especially when pride gets in the way. I entered therapy a few months ago, and it was a good decision. It was a long road to get there, but putting in an effort to help yourself is always a step in the right direction.

  • Yaya

    December 3, 2008 |

    Wow. I know. The holidays bring me more blues than happiness.
    (((Hugs)))

  • Kelli

    December 4, 2008 |

    Maegan,
    Thank you for sharing this with us all. I agree that you seem to be working through this and I promise healing will come. Stay strong!
    You have many friends and much love from us in the BlogWorld!
    K

  • Tiffany

    December 4, 2008 |

    Happy Holidays to you too Maegan 🙂

  • pret-a-party

    December 4, 2008 |

    you’re not a brat in any way. who DOESN’T focus on the have-nots at times?? But it’s amazing that you have actually concluded that there’s more to your holiday disdain. Good luck and remember to be patient – these things take time.

    xx

  • Lisa Petrarca

    December 4, 2008 |

    I know how you feel…I’m a huge avoider. When my brother passed away (4th of July) 17 years ago at the age of 21, I decided to shove it all down, only to have it sneak out at really inappropriate times.

    I would get angry and lash out at everyone around me, then lock myself in the bathroom and cry so no one would know.

    Good for you…you actually are facing the problem and realizing how it is affecting you.

    I’m so sorry for your loss and I know how hard the holiday’s are. Take care!

  • Songy

    December 4, 2008 |

    oh Maegan, you’ve done it. I bet you felt at least just a little bit better after this post.

    My childhood sucked as well. That’s why I don’t usually have fun around this time of the year. My parents never bought any presents all year around and xmas was no exception. Only thing I remember getting when I was really small was a bag of snacks in a plastic bag. That makes me sad… well. I moved on. I hope you can too. We can enjoy more.. for sure no matter what because I see my guy having a good time. Why can’t I? Why can’t you?

  • megan

    December 4, 2008 |

    i totally get where you’re coming from–as much as i can, at least. thanks for always being so open!

    and ps: sake makes me mean! i drank too much of it a few weeks ago and whoa…was glad when i sobered up a bit!

  • Lump

    December 4, 2008 |

    I think this is an extremely healthy feeling…. keep you’re head up and always remember you are loved!

  • Leigh

    December 6, 2008 |

    I can relate so well My Dad left when I was 5, alcoholic. leaving behind 4 daughters and no child support. I went to visit him for the last time in my life when I was 9 only to witness him remarried and raising stepdaughters with so much love.. That is when I discovered the feeling of resentment.

    fast forward to my 20’s I decided to call him and forgive. It became Holiday wishes each year after that and few e-mails and Birthday cards. He just passed away this May. But I am so glad I made that phone call to start a different kind of forgiving bond with him and to finally let that resentment settle.
    I just seem to go through the same feelings during Christmas, I put high expectations that I am supposed to be farther than the last year and if I haven’t reached those goals I can get into deep winter blues and feel disappointment instead of the joy I know I should be feeling. Wondering why I am crying will happen more often at this time.
    But this year I too will find that Joy and stop putting such expectations on this time of year.

    I am grateful for your openness as I am wanting to spill my guts in your comment box LOL
    HAPPY HOLIDAYS to you sweetheart. You are already a wonderful inspiration to me:)

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