The feeling I want to embody right now is the one I felt when I was in my late teens and early twenties. It’s a feeling I remember well because it was probably the last time I truly felt most like me, and I was free.
Until now…
I’m not so sure it’s that I actually want to be young again, because other than the lines on my face, I’m totally 100% okay with my age. There’s not a day I’d exchange uncertainty about my life ahead for a few lines that say “been there, done that, don’t fuck with me”… and strangely enough, I think I’m finally, actually, almost happy.
When we’re young, and maybe even not so young, we seem to have this idea of what our lives are “supposed to be” and then we try to follow all the rules and all the guidelines, thinking that IF we do it all the right way… the career, the right partner, the wedding, the house, the kids… that we’ll live happily ever after. And more than that, we actually think that WHEN we get all those ducks in a row and accomplish all those goals, that we will actually BE HAPPY – but not until then.
But that’s straight bullshit.
Though I’m sure there are plenty of people who ARE happy with having those things, the things in particular do not a happy person make. And of course we can “say” this out loud and try to convince ourselves otherwise, but deep down, our roots are tied to these notions of what life is supposed to be like and that once we get these things, THEN we’ll be happy. What’s worse, and we really can’t help it, is that we tend to unfairly judge people {and ourselves} for choosing a different path, the road less traveled, so to speak.
Until now…
Somewhere, presumably in our twenties, when we’re still young enough to start worrying about our future and start judging ourselves for where we’re NOT in our lives instead of where we are, we tell ourselves that it’s time to stop having fun and start being responsible. And somewhere along the rest of the way, we forget to continue to have fun all the while being responsible. And somewhere in the middle of trying so hard to make those things that we THINK are going to make us happy -happen, we forget how to actually BE HAPPY and have fun.
We’re lost in worry and sadness and fear and anxiety and life gets sticky and hard and uncomfortable and everything is heavy, and though we may have a few moments of time -in time- where we let go and have fun and “be happy”, the moments are fleeting and as soon as we can, we fall back on the worry.
It’s unfortunate that we spend more time worrying than wondering… and too much time fretting instead feeling free and frolicking, and having actual FUN.
Until now…
In a few weeks I will have lived 40 years on this planet, and approximately two years ago, I realized that I was not happy. And even though I had “all the things” that were supposed to make me happy {all but the children}, and there were certain aspects of my life that I did enjoy and that did make me momentarily happy, overall, I was just not happy. In fact, I wasn’t just not happy, I was sad. Extremely sad… And I suddenly felt trapped in a life I thought I wanted but that just wasn’t mine.
Until now…
The passion I have in life and FOR LIFE, makes me happy. My work and my career do happen to make me happy, but it’s the sum of the whole of what I get to do, that makes me happy. My work ethic, the excitement of new things, dreaming of new adventures ahead, creating things, being free… dancing, singing, listening to music, drawing, writing, spending time with friends, noticing the beauty in everything, walking along the lake and feeling the sun on my face and the breeze in my hair and being so fucking grateful for where I get to live and where I’m at in my life, that tears of joy well up in my eyes without warning and I smile… a true, giddy, happy smile, and I’m thankful.
Those are the things that actually make me happy… so happy that I’m bubbling over with all the feels and emotions. And although it’s a rocky time in my life right now, it’s also the most free I’ve felt since I was about 23 years old. And that’s the best feeling of them all… so it trumps the hard parts and kills the uncertainty and doubt and fear because suddenly, I have me again, and I really missed her.
Until now, I’ve been caught up in it and I only realized recently, probably in part because of my age, that I just don’t have to be. We don’t have to be. We can be free… so this is that feeling that I’m just getting a first taste of, and jonesing so hard for more of it; the feeling I had when I was young and free and when my actual goal in life was to have fun and to NOT be so serious… because life is certainly much more enjoyable when we’re actually, truly happy, and not just pretending to be happy, don’t you think?
Cosmo’s horoscope is giving me life this week… I read it every Monday on Snapchat because it’s fun that way, but you can also see it here.
