What I’m Wearing…
* Striped shift dress by Tibi from a few seasons ago… seen here in Spring with combat boots & bangs, here with skinny jeans back in 2013… one of my favorite dresses for Fall and Spring
* Vintage military coat
* Sunglasses by Ferragamo
* Red ‘Miss Vara’ bag by Salvatore Ferragamo
* Ankle boots by Rag and Bone {new!}
* Lips by Lancome {still my favorite red ever -195 Le Carmin}
* Title: Ellie Goulding – Still Falling For You… beautiful mind, your heart got a story with mine, your heart got me new kinda highs, your heart got me feeling so fine, so what to do… still falling for you… no one can lift me, catch me, the way that you do… still falling for you.
I sit down to write… and I can’t find the words. Because the words I want to say, I can’t. But still I try. But nothing comes. Three nights of this… and still nothing.
I’m happy for new reasons and I’m sad for new reasons.
And all the newness is exactly what I wanted, back when I realized I couldn’t remain in my old life any longer without seeing my future and regretting my past.
I’ve been clumsy all day, and probably lost in my mind, and I probably just need a good cry… but I’m so happy, I sometimes forget that I’m in the middle of a divorce, and won’t allow myself to let go of the happiness for a moment to move through the feelings… because though I move forward every day into new and exciting territory, the life I had and a life I once wanted, is now in my past, and there’s mourning in those memories, grief in the loss, and grief in the loss of a once upon a time dream.
The thought of it still makes me sad… because even though my dreams have changed now and my life is exactly what I want it to be right now, that dream was with me from the beginning of time, I just never knew it wasn’t mine to realize.
I’m in the craziest transition of my life, happier than I’ve ever been, but knowing the scars are deep, and the thought of them never healing, or healing incorrectly, scares me.
I’m scared of love. I’m scared of loss. I’ve had so much of both, the thought of either may just break me right in half, and then into a million pieces. I’m strong in soul but fragile in heart.
The thought of trusting someone who could hold either of those things over me, isn’t one I’m interested in investigating, because emotional risk is not one I’m able to take at the moment. But maybe I never have. Maybe I’ve been like this since before I can remember why. Maybe it wasn’t everyone else in between, maybe it was me all along.
Maybe I’ve never given my heart to anyone. Maybe it was all me. Maybe I never let myself get too close.
Maybe I’ll take all the responsibility… but there was so much in between.
It still makes me angry…
But I choose to heal.
Happy Hump Day Lovecats!
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