I took this year for me, to get back to me. I took this year to find myself, to create myself. I took this year to figure out what was next. Although I had the means to do so, it was a HUGE risk in many ways, and I took it anyway.
A year later, I’m not sure if I’m any closer to having the answers to the questions I thought I was asking then, nor have I met any goals I set out to accomplish.
Does this mean I’ve failed? Does this mean the risk wasn’t worth it?
No… it absolutely DOES NOT.
I have learned A LOT. I have been through A LOT. I have cried A LOT. I have screamed A LOT. And I have searched A LOT… AND I have come to realize that my intentions, my goals and even my questions, were all based on some past version of my life, on some past version of myself that just wasn’t my reality anymore and at least that feels like an accomplishment. A little inkling of certainty that this year has been worth it. I have come to understand a lot of things this year, but having an ultimate answer to “what’s next” in my life is still out of my grasp and I wonder if maybe many of you are going through similar life situations as well.
Although I am co-running businesses (and focusing much of my attention there at the moment) and busy with life in general (my most recent dental emergencies and Randy’s health issues) and all that comes with that, I feel like I’ve been in some strange transitional period, a sense of limbo if you will… and if I’m honest, I’ve been feeling this tug for about 7 years now or… since I turned 40, blew up my old life, got a divorce and opened Dogwood Tavern.
I’m not sure what I thought my life would look like 7 years later, but it sure wasn’t this.
I wondered the other night, why? Why have I been struggling to find what is next – for so long? Why am I not fulfilled in any way in the “now” based on the choices I have made in the recent past? Why has it felt like chaos without structure, failure to focus, distracted beyond belief, cyclical movement but not forward motion… I still don’t understand why… and then I heard a little voice in the back of my head that said…
…you didn’t ask for a better life, you asked to become a better version of yourself.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…… CK. fck.fck.fck.fck.fckfckfckfckfckfckfckFCK!
I sat there for what felt like an eternity, blank… jaw dropped… staring at my wall…
This was the aha-est moment of all the aha moments I’ve had (recently anyway) and finally I understood the path and the meaning of the journey and even though I have not enjoyed much of it, kicked and screamed and cried through most of it, there probably was no alternate route to get here. right. here. right now.
But still, where am I? Who am I now and where is “here”?
Here and now I am at the precipice. I finally feel it. I get it. I understand. I am here for it.
These have been the years of becoming…
Working on yourself is not easy… And in fact, when you pronounce to the Universe that you want to become the best version of yourself, the woman you’ve always dreamed you’d be, you better believe the Universe is going to throw every test and trial and tribulation at you to do just that.
The speed and velocity at which balls (aka: tests and trials) are thrown is based not on how hard and how far you can hit them out of the park, but on how fast you can catch them, learn from them, integrate them into your life and then throw them back.
I feel like I’m in the caught all the balls and learned from them phase, but I’ve yet to fully figure out how to integrate them into my life and throw them back phase and so I’m in a ball pit, metaphorically speaking.
Obviously I have to preface this by saying that NO, my life has not been “bad” and yes, I worked very hard in the past to be able to live the life I am living now, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually and even financially, this year, these past 7 years (if I’m being honest) have been tumultuous, a tornado, if you will, and to go back to the sports analogy, the biggest curveball of all time.
I wasn’t ready for it. In fact, I was blindsided by it. When I turned 40 I had expectations crushed by reality and hope lost in swirling stress and confusion. And for seven years this has led to more confusion, losing trust in my own intuition and doubting my current decisions, my past choices, other people in my ear encouraging my doubt and everything in between, which brings a whole new level of anxiety when new choices are to be made. I wanted to run from the balls, which I realized I had been doing for so long, avoiding getting hit by them, but they were just adding up, filling up all the spaces in between and all the cracks so no air could get through. I was drowning but I didn’t know it until I couldn’t breathe.
For someone working so hard to become a better version of herself, this has all felt like backsliding, and in fact, a landslide would be a more accurate way to describe it.
Well I’ve been afraid of CHANGING… we all know the song
From the outside looking in, I’m sure it doesn’t appear that I’m buried beneath an avalanche of life’s curveballs. No, it’s a more subtle, quiet, emotional, relational kind of chaos that just leaves me lost in a land of confusion.
This was going to be the year I stopped avoiding the balls. Faced them head on, dove into the pit and started plucking them out one by one… and I did.
On October 1st, my lease was up here, on the lake townhouse I rented last October 1st, on the risky investment I took on myself, and because I had expectations for what would happen in a year’s time, my anxiety about it ending has been HIGH and very emotional.
I don’t technically have to move, I signed a new month to month lease, but I also, kind of, want to move. I love being close to the water, and having a safe little path to walk my dogs (and they love that too) but there are definitely things I don’t love here too and mostly, I don’t want to be stuck here for another winter. In fact, much of my anxiety might be an underlying terror of being alone again for winter, which although yes, I survived last year, the PTSD is obviously still lingering and I don’t want to go through it again. I haven’t gotten to the point where I feel strong for having survived it. It’s still a shaky territory and I’m guessing many of us locals are in the same boat, so to speak.
But beyond the anticipatory winter fear, I also feel like I’ve learned what I needed to learn here, put in the work; went through a bit of the dark night of the soul, searched and healed my inner child, dug deep to connect with my shadow, hurt and cried and screamed and survived in a way I never would have been able to with the demands of the life I was living before. But it’s been very challenging. It’s far easier to be busy distracted every day by the “stuff” of life and the people and relationships and kids and businesses. It’s so much easier to be stuck in daily emergencies and survival distractions than purposely working on healing the emotional shit you’ve carried with you from birth and maybe even from before. It’s far easier to play in the ball bit than to look at the balls one by one and examine the existential search for the meaning of life and the purpose of my life in particular in the near future, because I’m still wondering… What is next? What do I want to spend my days left on this earth doing? And who do I want to spend those days with?
The answer to that question in particular is actually quite simple: I want to be proud of the work I’m doing and I want it to be authentic and fulfilling and fun every day and I want it to somehow add value to the world and all the beings in it… and because of how the world works, I want it to be financially beneficial for me as well. And I want to be surrounded by people who support me on that journey and are consistent with their time, energy, love and above all, stand in their authenticity as wel.
It’s not certain but it’s a start.
It feels like just yesterday I was moving into this place, excited for a new adventure… but in these last 12 months, I have truly gone through some of the hardest and lowest moments of my life. I set out to embark on a transformative journey, to redefine my identity not based on external pressures or my past self but on internal desires without anyone else’s narrative guiding my path. I wanted to stop reacting to life and the people in it, get out of repetitive cycles and toxic patterns, challenge myself to face all the balls and learn all there was to learn, and I did all that. A year later I can say with certainty that I am not the same woman who moved in here. I have been changed here and while it feels like it’s been worth the risk, I want to also close it out and leave this place as a time capsule, to hold the experiences, memories, wisdom I’ve gained in a way I can reference them in the future, looking back. You never really realize how quickly a year goes by when you stay in the same place for more than one.
Self improvement and self discovery is an ongoing journey…
Sometimes I think if and when I figure it all out, THEN obviously I get to live happily ever after, but you have to almost give yourself permission to change and grow into a new and better version of yourself and be willing to get hit with all the curveballs over and over and over again without deflecting them or batting them away.
On November 1st I’m moving out of here and into my mom and stepdad’s house, which I will now refer to as “Le Dome” from here on out, because it is a dome 😊 They’ve decided to stay full-time in their house down the mountain now but not quite ready to sell Le Dome, and in the way the Universe has the most perfect timing, they offered it to me for my next journey.
In the process of packing, I am clearing out a lot as well… SOOOO Along with my POSHMARK, I’ve listed tons of clothes and shoes on ebay too and I’ve started EVERYTHING AT $25 (aside from the vintage items ending today) because at this point, whatever doesn’t find a new home is getting donated. And I’ll be adding more daily (until it’s gone) so check back often 😘 💋
Happy Monday Lovecats!
I hope you are well ♥️
* Title: Genesis – Land of Confusion