What I’m Wearing…
* Camel coat by SMYTHE
* Queen of Hearts mini dress by Free People
* Ballet wrap sweater from the local ballet store, The Studio Boutique, tag says Bloch
* Tights by Wolford
* DIY Petal Clutch bag
* Sunglasses by 3.1 Phillip Lim
* Velvet pumps with ankle bow from Shoe Dazzle
* Title: Sting ‘Desert Rose’… And in the flames… Her shadows play in the shape of a man’s desire… This desert rose… Each of her veils, a secret promise. This desert flower… No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this… I dream of love as time runs through my hand…
Last night I randomly found and read this old post I wrote back in December 2007… and beyond the cynicism and bitterness I was clearly feeling when I wrote it, I thought to myself God, I can’t believe I’ve been doing this for so long… and then wondered why any of my posts from 2007 were still available to read, because OMG, lol.
When I started this blog, I was in a long fight with my mom… though it wasn’t really a fight, per se, it was that I was extremely angry with her and not only could I not let it go, I felt I had to stand up for a decision I was making, for which she didn’t approve.
I never shared what exactly it was that I was upset about, or why we had been at odds for nearly two years at the time, and now I will since the irony is too glaring to deny…
My mom didn’t approve of whom I was marrying and made it clear in front of the both of us one day while standing in our tiny condo kitchen back in 2005. She actually said… “You’re going to marry HIM?!?”
At the time I thought she was being irrational, untrusting of my decision-making, and downright rude to us. She had never disapproved of whom I was with prior, and so it came as a shock to me when she said it.
Now, looking back, I wish I had listened to her. A mother’s intuition is rarely wrong, and at the time, I was in such a weak and vulnerable place, that I couldn’t hear my own gut telling me it wasn’t right. I could only hear the voice in my head repeating all the promises he made me, the desire to get married and have children and create a family at 28 years old was stronger than the voice that was saying He isn’t the one who’s going to give this to you.
I sacrificed what I knew in my heart to be the truth for a dream I thought would come true based on my past failed relationship and the speed at which I wanted my life to unfold. It’s not that there wasn’t love, there was, it just wasn’t the kind I had hoped for, and now, in the middle of a divorce, I wish I had done so many things differently.
It was so much easier to just be angry with my mom rather than to look at what I was truly sacrificing by following the dream instead of my heart.
My mom and I have a strong and healthy and positive relationship now. It has grown over the years, but it was strong to begin with. We had always had a great connection… but I had to finally let go of all the things I thought she was judging me for as well as accept her for who she is, and the mutual respect is of utmost importance. Mom’s and daughters always seem to fight, but the truth is, we couldn’t really do it without them. My mom has been here for me this past year when I needed her more than I have in a very long time, and I honestly couldn’t have done it without her.
Through the years here, I’ve gotten handfuls of emails from women remembering my early blogging days who are or were also having difficulties with their mothers, sharing their stories with me and asking for advice.
My only advice to anyone struggling with family relationships, or tension with their mothers OR their daughters, is to remember that they love you and they really do have your best interest at heart. They may not be able to voice it correctly, it may come out in a hurtful way, but deep down, it’s coming from a place of love and protection. Soften to their words, knowing that if they could say it better, they would.
I sit here now thinking about how much time was wasted during those years, how many family gatherings were tense AF because at any moment I may just blow up at anything my mom might have said. We were all on edge all the time, just waiting for an explosion. And what a waste of time. I felt so hurt by her words, but really, I was just trying to justify my own decisions and actions to myself, though they were aimed at her.
We do funny things when we’re overcompensating for not being true to ourselves, when we’re not living up to our own values and standards. We lash out at others and blame so that we don’t have to take responsibility for our own pain, thinking it’s going to make it easier to deal with the emotional tornado within. But it’s really not until we know who we are and what we stand for and decide who we really want to be in this life, that we can stay true to what we know we deserve while we’re here on this planet.
Sometimes we get it right the first time. Sometimes it takes a few tries to get it right. Sometimes we have to get all the things we don’t want just to know what we do want. But as long as we get it right, that’s all that matters… no matter how long it takes, how old we are, or where we are based on what we thought our life should look like. We can always change our mind and choose to live the life that we love right now.
Happy Thursday Lovecats!
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