What I’m Wearing
* Vintage camel wool jacket by Peabody House {which came with a matching a-line skirt}
* Black Chaiken wool trousers …which I look better in person than in these photos …actually, same goes for the jacket. last seen here -cufffed
* Old black lace tank top
* Red Monkey Designs black leather belt with brass studs
* House of Harlow necklace
* Skinny burgundy belt with brass studs wrapped as bracelet
* D&G gold watch from gilt.com
* Calvin Klein snakeskin platform pumps
* Vintage Gucci bag
* Hair -wet …I just can’t be bothered
So …yesterday I was seemingly fine, anxiety-wise. I was productive, felt at ease and thought I was maybe free and clear. And then it was time to go to bed …and the same sort-of insomnia situation happened again. I had trouble falling asleep and when I did, I would wake up soon after in a panic ..heart racing …just laying there.
Now, it seems that this only happens the night before I have to go into the gallery but work is very stress-free at this point. The boss is out of town and really, I’ve been working for him for 9 years now …there’s nothing new. And even though I only work three days now, believe me when I tell you …I.Am.Busy the rest of the week!
So why all the anxiety? …if you’ve never experienced this kind of anxiety, it is extremely hard for you to understand and I apologize if I said something in my last post about it to offend you. But let me start by saying I’m not happy about this. I was hoping I was free of this crippling feeling and have taken many steps to avoid medication up until now. I have changed my diet, began working out more, stretching and meditating more, taking on new projects …and in the past I tried acupuncture as well as homeopathic remedies to resolve my issues. And for three years {began at age 24 -and it wasn’t until I was 27 when I finally went on meds} I tried to figure out what was “wrong” with me from my general practitioner to the eye doctor to the Chinese Medicine to self help books to therapists to the gyno, all the while becoming more and more agoraphobic because home was the only safe place for me. Yes, some of it was situational …and I fear some of it now may be situational as well. But let’s face it. Some things we cannot change in life. Some things we just have to accept and at this point I have to accept the fact that my insides are racing out of control and driving me to the point where I know the only thing that is going to align me is medication because now I’m at the point where I’m afraid of the panic and just “waiting” for it to come on.
I want to nip this in the bud before it cripples me again and forces me into a tiny small scared person who doesn’t want to leave her house.
I am looking for a psychiatrist in my area now and hopefully can get an appointment sooner than later. fingers crossed.
….however, going through your comments {and apologies, anon, whose comment is missing, I haven’t deleted any} makes me also want to check my hormones, my thyroid, cutting out gluten, Naturopathic Doctor, nature’s therapy tea called ‘Easy Now’, acceptance and commitment therapy & books like “How to get out of your mind and into your life” by Steven C. Hayes or Gabriel Cousens m.d. – {although I am reading Eckhart Tolle right now who is always very helpful}.
