What I’m Wearing…
* Faux Leather bomber jacket (from a few years ago) I linked to a similar one that’s $21 but I can’t vouch for quality, though it’s cute! Mine is thick and lined and warm enough to wear in the snow, though I can’t find it available anywhere (in an affordable price).
* Old camel turtleneck sweater (worn recently here and often to Dogwood, lol)
* Citizens of Humanity ankle fray Jeans – a few years old (similar styles here, here and here for under $100)
* Dr. Martens faux fur lined boots… absolute favorite boots of the moment. I want them in brown too, but my size is sold out. The fur-lined option makes them so comfy and also a little thicker around the ankle, which I like. Asos has a cute knockoff doc boot for $48
* Vintage sunglasses
* NEW-ish The Marc Jacobs pillow bag which I’m trying out as an “everyday bag” and it’s not really working. I love the look, the size is right but the flap and the strap aren’t the quickest or most efficient for everyday use. The strap is heavy and the bag is light so when it go to grab it when heading out of the car, it’s lopsided and flopping around. I think I just have to get used to it but it may just not be a great everyday bag, for me anyway, because I’m lazy and I want an easy getaway bag, lol.
This is a pretty basic outfit and what I wear to work at Dogwood on the regular… jeans, sweater, boots in the winter, sneakers and t-shirt in the summer. It’s easy. It’s warm and it’s functional. I’m pretty obsessed with these Doc Martens actually. They’re my new favorites.
* Title: Harry Styles – Golden – I haven’t stopped listening to his latest album since it released about a month ago now. This song in particular reminds me of an older song… maybe like a Chicago song or Fleetwood Mac or something along those lines but I cannot put my finger on it. Especially the – da-da-na-da-da part.
I wrote a post here that was entirely too long about life and where we thought we’d be at any given age and feeling let down by reality vs our dreams and aging… and then it felt too depressing so I deleted it. I think it had some key points though and I referenced the quote by Joseph Campbell (I think it’s by Campbell) “We must let go of the life we had planned in order to live the life that is waiting for us” – or something like that and it kind of changed my perspective on the entire thing – so much so that I didn’t even feel the need to write it any longer.
Sometimes I write looking for my own answers and then once I actually have those answers, the emotions tied to the original question are gone. And so I went from feeling a bit down to a much higher energy level just based on my perspective. And I have that quote to thank.
I am over my past life, I am over the house, I am over it all… yet there is still a weird sadness and longing for those dreams that never realized, even though I don’t even want them anymore! I mean, I may always feel a sadness over not being able to have my own children, that may never go away, even though I don’t have the desire to be pregnant any longer (at this age anyway) I also feel like since it wasn’t a choice NOT to get pregnant, I didn’t get to make that decision for myself and the longing for it still exists inside the memory of my being.
I wonder too… as much work as we do on ourselves, all the personal growth and trauma we work through, are there things that are just programmed within us that we cannot ever get rid of and then we make ourselves crazy trying to “get over” things that are truly never going to go away?
I’m not sure. But it feels like it in this case. It feels like no matter what my current reality is, that there is a part of me that still is grieving over the dreams that never realized from my past. Even though I have new dreams. Even though I completely and logically understand why those dreams didn’t come to fruition based on either my choices or life’s mysterious ways… logically I’m okay with it. But emotionally, I still feel triggered by certain things that spark up those feelings within….
And then of course I question everything and start writing 🙂
I know it’s quite normal (though that’s a bad word to use), it’s quite universal to hit a certain age and think “well this is not where I thought I’d be at this age… blah blah blah” so I definitely don’t feel special or unique, but in this world where we see everyone seemingly living their best lives on social media, it’s hard not to compare, especially to those who are younger than you are, and ask where did I go wrong? Did I not work as hard? Was I not as good? What could I have done better? How can I get to the place I want to be now?
I guess the answer to all of those questions is hidden in the choices we made in the past, the way we spent our time and energy and the devotion we had to realizing such dreams and also the way we’re living in our present moment and our daily habits… are we caught up in life’s circumstances or are we waking up intentionally and focused and working towards making progress on those goals? And if not, what is holding us back?
What I’ve learned in my old age is that when we are not specific in the reason we WANT those dreams to realize in the first place, the motivation to persevere is not as strong. Saying we want something and having no passion or emotion behind it doesn’t push us forward on a path to obtaining it or creating it. We have to make it our purpose to live in an almost delayed gratification present, focused on the bigger picture, so that in the future we are living our dream instead of looking back wondering what went wrong and thinking yet again, I thought my life would be different “by this age”.
Age is not the timeline in how we should rate our success in life, but you definitely get to a certain age and wonder where all the time went.
Happy Thursday Lovecats!
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