What I’m Wearing..
* Old turtleneck sweater – which I actually ended up partially tucking in which resulted in a much cuter/more modern look but I spaced it for the photos.
* Camel coat with faux fur collar…is my mom’s
* Camo pants NEW! and LOVE! by DL1961 ~ Jerry Utility Pants -super high waist, super soft, super comfy, size down for better fit.
* Vintage Louis Vuitton bag
* phone case
* Barton Perreira sunglasses
* Snakeskin loafers by Madewell
It feels like a lot of prints mixed, but in person it felt slightly more cohesive than in the photos, just saying 😉
* Title: Selena Gomez – Lose You To Love Me… You promised the world and I fell for it… I saw the signs and I ignored it… Rose-colored glasses all distorted… Set fire to my purpose… And I let it burn
I woke up last Thursday morning and realized, completely by accident, that my blog had disappeared. But it wasn’t the usual “server is down” type of disappeared because the bones of my blog were still here – it’s just that all my posts were missing. It’s like if a house caught fire, burned everything inside but left the structure and exterior intact… literally 12 years of posts and my life, gone.
I had an OMG WTF moment followed by multiple strange feelings and emotions, but settled my mind with the thought that I’d get on the phone with my host and get some sort of answer as to what had happened and why and have it fixed by the end of the day.
But that is not what happened… 20 minutes later I hung up the phone with a woman who straight up told me that everything was gone and I’d just have to start over.
I explained that this is not something I can “start over”, that it’s not a website for my business, it IS my business and subsequently, my life, and now it’s just – gone? She assured me that she’d opened a ticket for a technician who had more access to look into it and they’d get back to me within 72 hours.
I got off the phone feeling completely depleted and a sadness washed over me that I wasn’t expecting. But waiting on the other tech, I still had some hope that it would all return and go back to normal and that nothing would change.
Saturday morning, however, I received an email saying there was no back-up for my blog and nothing they could do and that I would have to start from scratch (the tech’s literal words). My heart sank. I was in a fog, to say the least. On top of it, the kids were here over the weekend, so I had to keep it together on some level and though it was a bit of a good distraction that kept me from falling apart and completely diving into the grief and loss rabbit hole, I still wasn’t all there mentally. The tears were right behind my eyes begging to be released. I held them back.
The only thing I could think of doing was talking about it with you guys on twitter and Instagram… I didn’t entirely “blast” the host in a harsh way, but I explained the story and shared the email response I received. I had so many DMs offering help and advice and shared anger that it validated my own feelings – thank you 🙂 – but I still didn’t know what to do.
I tried to see the positive side of it, thinking well, this was my past and maybe it was holding me back and now I can truly be free to move forward… but it didn’t sit well. It was a way to handle it emotionally, by compartmentalizing it in a neat little box, but it didn’t solve any problems. And more than it being my past life, what about all the years of work that had gone into it? My DIYS that are still searched for and inspire others to create for themselves; my infertility journey, which has helped numerous women through their own pregnancy struggles, and everything else in between. How could I just let all that go? It was my story… even if I started new and fresh, how could I have no backstory when so much already existed? I was confused by these thoughts. I imagined creating a new loveMaegan blog and starting again… and even recreating posts and back-dating them to republish to an “archived” loveMaegan section… Or doing something else entirely? Maybe I should write a book instead or a subscription only blog or just send out posts to an email list? I thought… Or do a podcast or youtube vlogs instead of writing? The thoughts spun around my brain, the options unlimited really, but I had no answers. Writing is where my spirit is and as challenging as it has been in the last few years trying to merge my past life with my present reality and figure out how to share my new life and new journey, it has never been as hard as seeing everything I had worked so hard for just disappear overnight without explanation. I guess it conjured up a perspective I’ve been looking for for quite some time. I’m not ready to walk away from this. It’s become so much a part of who I am. It’s more than my work and my hobbies, it’s bigger than that and involves so many more people, all of you 🙂
I felt as empty as the blog. A big gaping hole of existence. It was surreal and I didn’t expect it.
I spent two more days in a total fog. The possibilities for what I would do next swirling through my mind endlessly, yet I had no conclusion. Your DMs on instagram and personal emails were so comforting and reminded me why I do this in the first place. As much as it’s completely selfishly cathartic to share here as openly as I do, when I read your words about how a post helped you though a hard time or a DIY inspired you creatively or that I was the first blogger you found and I inspired you to share your story and create a blog and business of your own, fills me with such happiness and gratitude and love that I know my journey is not over. I’m not trying to pat my own back here at all, or say that I’ve changed the world in any way at all, but knowing that sharing my journey has helped even one person makes it all so worthwhile.
We all have creativity within us and we all also have the little fear voice that says “who do you think you are, why would anyone care what you have to say” and it’s bullshit. We all have a story and we can all help others by sharing our story. You never quite know how your perspective on life could shift the perspective of another and make a difference in their life. Think about all the books, movies, art, music, etc. that have changed our own views, who’s to say that our voice couldn’t make a difference too? When we share authentically, opening up to vulnerability and even criticism and ridicule, we also open ourselves up to a world of possibility that we could never have known otherwise.. and the bonus is being able to help others along the way.
I woke up Monday morning to an email in my inbox from my host apologizing for the way my case was handled and that somehow they had restored my blog and and all my posts and it was working fine now.
I jumped to the browser to see if it loaded and THERE IT WAS, albeit, slightly out of order, but easy to fix, and the sense of relief that washed over me was visceral. I instantly felt lighter and felt the smile return to my face…
Now I didn’t have to make any decisions because life had resumed as normal… Or did I?
It’s funny how sometimes it takes BIG EXPLOSIONS to sort of force you into making a change or maybe making decisions you weren’t ready to make or to walk down paths you were too fearful to take.
I still am not quite sure what move to make, but I’ve got a million ideas now simply from the possibility of losing it all and sometimes it takes the fear of losing it all to realize what you have is worth saving and moves you in a direction you weren’t even aware was a possibility.
Happy Halloween Lovecats!
* Find all my Style Posts here