When you work in an office or just out of the house all day, you come home and allow yourself time to relax. You feel a fairly good sense of accomplishment even if you’re not working your dream job, and you feel justified in sitting and doing nothing for the rest of the evening {unless you have kids, of course} or even dabbling in your side hobbies/projects just for the fun of it.
But when you work at home, the job is never done. Your side projects and hobbies aren’t relaxing any longer because they have now turned into your work as a means to make more money. So when you are trying to rest and relax you have this feeling that you could be finishing that project or putting in a little more time. ALL THE TIME. And if you don’t, your mind continues to think about it. And on top of that, there’s “always tomorrow” to get done the things you really don’t want to do. Then, you just start feeling guilty for not getting it done thus adding stress to your poor body that you never ever give time to relax.
In my early twenties, as an “actor” waiting for and going on auditions, I had no problem being at home all day. Sleeping in until noon, reading a great book out in the sun by the pool, working the evening shift as a waitress and staying up all night partying. But that’s acceptable when you’re in your twenties. And not so much as you age.
Now, I tend to think, well, if I had kids, I would be on the go all the time, never a chance for idle thought, busy and working and doing something all the time. That would probably be beneficial but I would most certainly complain about that too. But complaining is better than depression. And that’ what feels like is happening. But then things get tricky. Once you’re home, you don’t want to have to go out every day to an office helping to make someone else’s business grow instead of your own …even if it makes you feel better. It’s such a strange circle.
Many of you know that since the beginning of the year, I’ve been working at the gallery three days a week instead of 5 {Thank you recession!} which only gives me two days at home. But really, it’s 4 days at home when you count the weekends. But the weekends aren’t really weekends any longer …they are two more days where I feel like I should be working. Four days where my mind gets to focus on ME and what I’M doing or not doing instead of others. And really, it’s not healthy.
I’ve worked from home before. For the same boss actually, but full time at home where I was also taking freelance jobs and working for my ex’s company and during that time, I fell completely into a panic/anxiety/agoraphobia disorder but it’s only in retrospect that I can see that much of it {well, some of it} was because I had so much time alone …at home.
It’s now that I can feel it happening again that I can pinpoint what the problem is and try to take steps to avoid it rather than letting it take over me leaving me helpless to it. And I often wonder if I didn’t live in Los Angeles, where you’re made to feel like a failure if you’re not SOMEBODY …would it be as challenging? Would I be able to relax more and allow myself free time or would I be just as insane?
I know a lot of you have been affected by the recession and are at home much of the time like I am. How has it left you feeling? Do you find yourself spinning in circles sometimes wondering WTF? …and if not, what are you doing that’s preventing you from going crazy? I would love to hear your perspective on this.
