I began this blog originally in 2007 because I thought I was pregnant. Naming it “baby! baby!”, I wanted to document my pregnancy as such. When I found out I wasn’t pregnant, the blog quickly changed to …love Maegan {the name I had used previously to brand hand-made clothing & accessories I made & sold} and as I slowly found my voice and a reason for blogging I found myself {again} in the process. And instead of creating a baby, I created for myself what I had wanted to since beginning my career in web design in 1997.
That pregnancy false alarm in 2007 triggered my husband and I to sit down and have a serious talk about babies concluding with the decision that it was indeed time to procreate. Whether we were ready or not, it was what we were “supposed” to do now that we had been married for just over a year. And really, something I had thought I always wanted. So it began …which basically and unromantically meant, my husband stopped pulling out and I foolishly thought I’d get pregnant right away, the very next month to be exact …and when it didn’t happen, I was utterly shocked …shocked and appalled that I had been so careful my entire life trying NOT to get pregnant and here I was accepting sperm voluntarily with no fetus to show for it. I realized that I’d looked forward to my future self/my future life with children & a family as the end-all be-all so much so that I didn’t think about the fact that it just may not happen for me. Ever. Ne-ver. Not ever once did the thought enter my mind.
Month after month I’d begin and end the same vicious cycle like a crazy person doing the same thing expecting different results. Hoping and wishing and expecting to be pregnant at the end of 28 days just to be greeted with blood instead of morning sickness followed by tears of sadness & not of joy. The more I wasn’t pregnant the more I wanted to be. Logically it just wasn’t making sense to me because when I work hard at something I get results …and I was working hard and there were no results. And not that I think there is anything wrong with it, but fertility treatments were, and still are, not something I am interested in at all.
You know when you want something that you can’t have, all you seem to notice is that exact thing …everywhere? Baby-mania struck, and not just me, the entire world seemed to be baby-crazed. It was super-trendy among the celebrity sect for a couple of years, which of course trickled down to us regular folks and everyone seemed to be popping out babies, deeming them the new “it” accessory. My family and friends including “blog friends” have surpassed me, all either with kids of their own now or presently pregnant. Admittedly, I felt left out. Why didn’t I get to be pregnant? Why didn’t I get to feel the magic of growing a human inside of me? Why didn’t I get special treatment and a baby shower and at the end of 9 glorious months, a perfect little bundle of joy? Why didn’t I get to be included on Mother’s Day? Why me? What was wrong with me? I went through all the emotions I’m sure every women in my situation has gone through …and blogged about it along the way.
After my niece was born last October, I thought everything was going to be okay …and then two weeks later {and against many odds}, a family member accidentally became pregnant and decided not to keep the baby. And the depression that had been brewing the past two years turned into full-blown anxiety, the likes of which I hadn’t seen since my mid-twenties, and I thought it was going to take me down for good this time.
By January I told my husband that I was literally losing my mind and we needed to make a change. He agreed to move out of our dark, 3 window condo we had occupied for the previous 5.5 years and into a house. Four days after we signed the lease on our house, another friend broke the news that she was pregnant. So even in the midst of my excitement for our big change, not 4 days into it, someone else was really getting what I thought I wanted and it took me down again {sorry Al}.
But then, after a few months in our new place, something in me changed. I finally saw a new future for myself and my husband that may not include children and I was okay with it. In the midst of all the not getting pregnant I had a bit of an identity crisis …what was I going to do if I didn’t have kids? …who was I going to be? Because I had thought that was really my only future, I couldn’t see beyond it and I created myself around it …even though it didn’t even exist yet. Once I could see a new future, all the baby-mania melted away and I saw it for what it was worth and it was hard. Watching my friends and family go through 9 months of misery didn’t look fun at all, it looked hard. Getting to squeeze a baby out of my vagina all of a sudden didn’t sound miraculous any more …it sounded hard. And being a mother to a newborn while healing from its body squirming out of my own not to mention the mental side effects and thoughts of postpartum …seem really hard.
My husband and I are in a place where if possible, we would rather not add stress to our lives and being a mom is hard work and stressful. Of course there are rewards, I don’t want to take away from anyone’s choice to be a mother …it was my first choice. But with a clear head I can now say that maybe it’s just not meant for me. Maybe, just maybe things do happen for a reason. And even though I never thought I’d ever have to deal with “infertility”, maybe I needed it to get to the other side guilt-free.
This morning my husband gave me the prettiest yellow orchids and card above from LeRoy & Bebop, our furry babies and I hugged him and cried …in fact, the tears just came back now as I’m typing this and both dogs awoke from their slumber to look up at me and make sure I was okay. I cried because for the last time I heard that little voice in the back of my head say “you’re not” and it was all okay now because “I am” so many other things.
Thank you my sweet husband for making me feel so special on Mother’s Day …a day I thought I’d never get to be a part of.
I hosted Mother’s Day today. I decided since I was the only one in the family who isn’t a mom, why not give all the mom’s a break and do it all for them. I figured my headspace was capable now when in the past it wasn’t even close.
To all the Mamas today, I hope your Mother’s Day was a special one too.
