What I’m Wearing…
* Old Norton tee I cut into a muscle shirt one hundred million years ago. It’s fun to wear it again.
* Black ripped skinny jeans by DSTLD… Worn in maybe one of my favorite style posts ever
* Round black/gold sunglasses by Thierry Lasry
* Black suede ankle strap sandals {again} by Jeffery Campbell… I think I may have to not only get a second black pair of these, but also get every single other color they come in because, LOVE
* Balenciaga classic town bag
* Title: One Direction ‘What A Feeling’… When the air ran out and we both started running wild, the sky fell down… With no way out, and a long way down, everybody needs someone around… but I can’t hold you too close now… through the wire, through the wire.
I thought I’d revisit a little One Direction for a minute and this song reminds me so much of a Fleetwood Mac song, it’s hard not to like it. It has dual meaning for me today…
Just as I was heading out to run some errands on Tuesday afternoon, there was a knock at the door, and when I looked out the window and saw a white Prius sitting in the driveway across the lane I thought, no way… but there he was, my husband, standing at the door… and in that moment I felt myself completely withdraw and close up, and as the adrenaline rushed from my toes to my head, a panic and anxiety surged inside of me that I haven’t felt for, well, a very long time.
I ended up having to take a little Xanax to regulate my emotions, because I was so utterly overwhelmed by them… we’ve been talking but we haven’t seen each other in 4 months. It was awkward and sad and so many things. We had moments that felt so normal and great but I was protecting myself most of the time and holding back. I was so taken off guard, I didn’t really know how to handle it at all.
Obviously I miss him, we miss each other, but we’ve become different people and I don’t think either of us like who we became with each other, over and through the years. We’re both finding ourselves again, and I wonder if we have enough time between us, to do so, could we find ourselves together again and not fall right back into our old selves?
I’m not sure. I often thought if a separation would eventually, ultimately bring us back together, but I think he’s enjoying living in LA again and doesn’t want to live up on the mountain anymore, and there’s no way I want to leave it.
I wonder if a pseudo-long distance relationship could work? I wonder if an pseudo-open marriage could work? I don’t know anyone in a similar situation to ask for guidance… but I know that this is confusing and sad and horrible and that there is still so much love. I wonder if we could be the couple that makes it work? I dunno… I dunno anything at all.
Happy Thursday Lovecats! IT’S ALMOST FRIDAY!
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