What I’m Wearing…
* Vintage light beige blazer I thrifted ages ago and am still wearing. Check out this post from 2011 with all the ways I wore it PRIOR to that! JEESH I’ve been doing this a LONG TIME 😆 – So many of my old posts have links that don’t work and it seriously bothers me. It happened when I switched hosts (from bluehost to go daddy, in case you were wondering) a few years ago and when I go in and update my old posts, it changes the original date to the current date, which I do not like either. But I’d love to spend some time cleaning up my site since I’m spending more time here again.
* AGOLDE light wash jeans
* Vintage brown short sleeve sweater (was my grandma’s)
* Vintage Louis Vuitton MM Looping bag
* Phillip Lim tortoise shell sunglasses I’ve been wearing for years and I think I just lost in the last two weeks! I NEVER lose sunglasses but honestly, I cannot find them and I’m super bummed about it!
* Snakeskin flats
* Title: The Door – Teddy Swims… I thought it would kill me… but tonight, I saved my life when I showed you the door. (this is -metaphorically- for a handful of people’s negative, critical (choose me over you) voices that live in my mind rent free) – Show yours the door too!
Okay… I have to admit that this outfit is from October 2021!!! YES, I know, I KNOW! I have so many outfits I never shared. So many I can’t even remember until I’m searching through my photos for something else entirely and then stumble upon one like this, that feels so on trend at the moment in so many ways, yet was a good 3 years ago. Seriously, where have I been? Where has the time gone? I know I’m not the only one who has felt this since 2020…
I remember driving by this tree on my way home one day (in Lake Arrowhead) and marveling at its brilliance. I mean look at how massive it is and LOOK AT THOSE COLORS!!! I believe it was much more yellow in real life, or maybe it wasn’t, but either way, I had to pull over and shoot photos in front of it.
Isn’t it just INCREDIBLE!!?!??!
Incoming Rant…
DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN A DAMN WASTE OF TIME?
I know, this seems a bit dramatic for a Wednesday when there are far more pressing issues at hand, BUT as I was looking back on all the old blog posts where I wore this blazer (mostly 2009-2010-2011), approximately 14 YEARS AGO, I started really having this moment of regret. And in fact, I’ve been on the major regret railway lately (which you’d know if you watch my Substack episodes -but don’t because it’s totally embarrassing 😆 ) but this time the regret train went even further back down the road than I was ready for…
My Substack rants have mostly been about how I’ve regretted the last 8 or so years of my life, but this portal just delivered me back to my early twenties and then the W T F moment happened right around the time where I literally lost myself in my first toxic relationship in my twenties and how and exactly why it happened… why I’ve never had myself but a few times in my life, and in those moments, when I felt the most like ME, is when those around me DID. NOT. LIKE. IT. And it’s only now, after all the triggers, lessons and healing I’ve done in the last 8 years, have I been able to see just how far back… and I mean, WAY BACK, this actually began, and why I’ve had to fight for my sense of self my entire life
Um, can you say AWAKENING!?!?
I swear I had stronger boundaries when I was 17 than I did entering into adulthood just a few years later – and EVER SINCE! I honestly feel a certain anger… no, RAGE, at the fact that I seriously feel like I have been dimming myself on some level for all of those around me for my ENTIRE LIFE. And it’s all starting to make sense now… NOW, when I am in the full-blown age-scaries, battling the idea of irrelevance with every new line and crevice that appears on my face, slowly disappearing like the people in the photo Marty holds in Back to the Future.
At 48, I feel like I’m just getting started (again) in a society that is constantly telling me it’s too late and to just be quiet and continue making everyone else more comfortable… I spent years trying to prove my worth to people who would never choose to see it because THEY CAN’T. And while it has felt like a constant rejection on some level from multiple avenues, it never had anything to do with me! I never had anything to prove to anyone, no even myself! I already knew who I was, I was simply trying to be someone else FOR THEM from the beginning of time!
It’s really sad actually, that the weak and insecure people of this world are too cowardly to step up and better themselves, too scared to live authentically out loud and true, and instead need to make other people around them shrink to feel better about themselves. Sad.
This has my anxiety RISING HIGH. My fight or flight response right now is making me want to run back in time… but I can’t. And then I remember all the years I spent completely ANXIOUS, agoraphobic, not able to leave the house… WHY??? Because I was NOT being true to myself. I just didn’t know it at the time. From 23 to 38 I allowed my anxiety to hold me back. And now I see how I created the anxiety IN ORDER to hold me back SO THAT I wouldn’t rise up to meet my own self in this life just to keep the love from those who happened to be my biggest enemies.
How sad.
It’s truly astonishing to me that no matter how hard we try to reach our goals, no matter how much work we put in, if we have a limiting belief in our head (that is probably MOST LIKELY the voice of SOMEONE ELSE), we will never EVER live authentically into our truest potential as humans or even come close to fulfilling our soul’s journey.
I wish it didn’t take me this long to figure it out. I knew it logically, but truly couldn’t see the truth until now.
So what do I do now… what do I do with this information? I can’t go back in time so…. now what? LIVE OUT LOUD! LIVE THE LIFE I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE. NOW. DO THE THINGS I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO… NOW, yes NOW… even though it feels too late, it’s not, and I suggest you do the same. NOW, whatever your age because what a ruse, what an unfortunate waste it has been living for others. I for one, will not spend one more day in their shoes. Because they’ve never fit right and they’re ugly to boot.
End Rant.
Happy Hump Day Lovecats!
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