Infertility Makes Me Feel Stupid, Shameful, Embarrassed, and most of all, like a complete failure.

Yup, another boring post about infertility and not being able to get pregnant and have children. Statistics show that I usually have a Winter and a Summer edition, so I’m just about on schedule with this one. In other news, I wonder how many people began following my blog years ago just to see if I’d get knocked up and after all these years have given up hope and stopped following?

Am I the only dummy who is still hopeful?

Let me first just begin by saying that I can’t believe we have been trying to get pregnant and have a baby since 2007 {a few months after my Laparascopic Surgery to remove cysts on my ovaries… wherein my doctor stated something along the lines of We’ll clean you out so you’re all ready to carry a baby}. Six years later and still nothing. Six. Years. Later. NOTHING.

I’m terrified of fertility treatments, hormones, and IVF, so they are not options for me. Besides, I really don’t think I’d be able to handle the disappointment after going through invasive treatments and mood-altering hormones {as if I’m not moody enough}, not to mention the expenses, and then still coming up empty. It would literally devastate me. I don’t even know how I’d get out of bed after that.

* Read my infertility story here if you like {scroll down for the oldest posts}

After a fun weekend spent with a sweet 5 year old and an adorable three month old baby, whom I adore more than I ever thought possible, I had a bit of a hard time getting out of a funk yesterday after they left. And as the day progressed, my emotions went up and down and around, like a roller coater and I wish I could say I was ready for it, but I wasn’t.

I got sad and then angry and then sad again AND THEN FURIOUS AT MYSELF for still having these feelings! I can’t believe that no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to accept the obvious fact that we are not, we will not get pregnant. It’s been SIX YEARS and I have to shake the hopeful thought out of my mind at least once a month! Only an insane person would continue doing the same thing and thinking the same way, and getting the same results month after month, year after year, and still have hope that the outcome is going to be different.

I feel stupid. I feel like a failure. I feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed.

So I hold it all in and act like everything’s okay… until I burst.

I asked my husband last night if he thought it would be smart to go see an infertility therapist to talk to and he asked me what I thought a therapist was going to tell me that I don’t already know? And I said nothing… or maybe something, I don’t know. Maybe they’ll offer some coping mechanisms because clearly what I’m doing {taking on more work to keep myself busy and preoccupied} isn’t working. I’m just getting more and more stressed out by it all.

As I was fawning over my new baby brother-in-law, talking about how cute he is and how much I adore him, a voice chirped out: I know how you can fix that, you can have one of your own. To which I smiled and happily responded, oh, we can’t! {Because god forbid I show my real emotion and then make someone else feel uncomfortable.} But he didn’t know, and I had to put on a happy face like I always do, and act like it’s no big deal, like I always do and say, “oh we can’t get pregnant”. But do you know how hard it is to constantly talk about it without worrying about my voice cracking and/or breaking down and crying? And we’re in that age bracket where we get asked by everyone we meet if we have kids and why not and then… it’ll happen when you least expect it to. OH WILL IT?!

And don’t think that the men are exempt from this onslaught too. Dudes have told my husband that we are just not having sex right, have told him that they just look at their wives and they get pregnant and some have even asked him jokingly if they should come over and do it for him… as if that’s EVER the right thing to say!

I’m so angry. I’m so sad. I’m ashamed and embarrassed and I don’t even want to burden my husband with it any more. The story is no different every time it bubbles up and pours out of me, and it’s embarrassing. I try as hard as I can to not let my emotions rule me, to think about it logically, but them my period comes or I get a little baby time and boom, I’m a stupid mess again.

I’ve realized the reason we haven’t really moved completely forward with adoption yet is because I haven’t fully accepted the fact that I cannot get pregnant. I want adoption to be our choice to give a child a good home with loving parents and a safe environment to grown up in, and never ever feel like they were a last resort. I overthink things, sure, but honestly, in my opinion, I would fail as a parent if my child {adopted or not} felt anything but love from us, let alone resentment.

So no, I don’t think a therapist is going to really tell me anything I don’t know, but maybe I’ll feel better just talking to someone who understands and who I don’t feel shitty about wasting their time with emotional blabber because that’s what they are paid to do.

I thought for a moment… how did I used to cope with hardships in life? And I would write in my journal. I’d write and cry and write and cry until it was all out of me. So here, now, this is my therapy.

Women often reach out and thank me for helping them cope after they reading my posts, so maybe through my blathering, someone else will find peace. Or maybe just the momentary bliss of not feeling so alone. Trust me, for anyone going through this, as soon as you think you’ve got it handled it creeps back in. As soon as you feel like you’re over it, it’s all over you like flies. So know if this is happening to you too, I totally understand. You are not alone. I’m still trying to figure it all out too.

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LA native & lifestyle blogger Maegan Tintari writes daily at ...love Maegan.com sharing beauty & style secrets, including fashion DIYs, how-to nail art manicures, hair tutorials, recipes & home decorating ideas, as well as a look into her personal life, her journey & battle with infertility & recent relocation to the mountains by a lake in search of a better life with her adorable French Bulldog brothers, Trevor and Randy.

79 Comments

  • FromEurope

    July 15, 2013 |

    Oh Maegan, I hope you could understand Spanish and read the blog of this woman that went for children as a single mom, doing fertility treatments and IVF. It was hard, and she doesn’t sugar-coat it, but her willingness to continue going is really inspiring. And now she has 3 kids of her own.

    This is her blog: http://mspe.blogspot.de/
    and this is the counseling page she started to help other women: http://www.creandounafamilia.net/ (I think she can be consulted in English! http://www.creandounafamilia.net/p/foreigners.html).

    You might be right that you shouldn’t move forward with adoption until you accept that you won’t get pregnant. But maybe to accept that fact you could consider doing some treatment first. Money, effort, physical and emotional pain, yes, IVF requires all that. But without giving it a try, would you be able to let go of the idea of becoming pregnant and move on to adoption?

    Kudos for writing these posts the honest way like you do.

    • Anonymous

      July 17, 2013 |

      That’s so true… Maegan, if u still have hope then why not try to do what COULD possibly help u get pregnant? By NOT going through any treatments it actually seems u have GIVEN UP hope. I know it’s scary, but wouldn’t it be worth it if having a baby means that much to u? Anyway there is nothing wrong with still having hope. God performs miracles every day, whether u believe it or not… I truly believe u can still get pregnant someday, but in the meantime u could be giving all of ur love to an adopted baby & experiencing such joy & responsibility & importance that u won’t even be thinking the way u are now, those feelings of worthlessness or shame …. I will keep u in my prayers for sure <3

    • Michelle

      July 24, 2014 |

      Meagan,

      I’ve read a few of your posts and it seems as though you’ve read and tried many options outside of hormone therapy. Have you ever considered going gluten free for 6 months to see if that could help (would be helpful to go longer) There are many people who do not show symptoms of celiac or gluten intolerance and are physically affected through infertility and oodles of other ailments. Your gut affects so much of your body, just wanted to see if you would consider it.

      Wishing you well!

  • Anonymous

    July 15, 2013 |

    Dear Meagan,
    you are certainly NOT a failure and I wish you all the best and by the way, my boss is on her maternity leave right now after 8 years of trying!!! I am sure you’ll be a great mom whether to your biological or adopted child one day!
    P.S. I love your blog and enjoy reading it during my coffee break at work (well, one of my coffee breaks :D)

  • Stephanie

    July 15, 2013 |

    Hey Maegan, I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been reading you since yearsss now and I’m still there. It’s impossible to stop following you and reading your blog because you are an amazing person! With or without kid, you are a fantastic person. We don’t know each other but by reading you since so long ago, I feel like I know you and I really like you. I am in my early 30’s and with my boyfriend, we will start to try to have a kid next year (because I’m waiting to have a long term contract at work, next March normally) and I can’t help myself but asking “why would I do if I’d have to face any infertility issues?”. I have no idea, and I can only imagine how hard it must be. But Maegan, you’re not a failure at all. You’re an amazing example for all the women who have to face that too. And you’re an wonderful example to anyone who reads your post, like I do. I also love to watch your old videos on youtube because you always make me smile. I’d love to meet you in real life but I guess that’s just a dream. I’ll be reading you as long as you will write. Always! COURAGE Maegan, don’t give up anything! Love and hugs from Belgium!

  • digal704

    July 15, 2013 |

    Please know that you are none of those things! I don’t know what to say, because your pain is yours and I don’t want to say something stupid. I hope you find a resolution. Infertility is so unfair. Just know you are not a complete failure & don’t be embarrassed.

  • astr!d

    July 15, 2013 |

    im really sorry!!! idk what to say other than that. be proud you have a great husband that supports you and loves you.

  • Sarah Francis

    July 15, 2013 |

    There is nothing to be ashamed or embarssed about. Please know that you are NOT a failure. You are an empowering, talented and beautiful woman who inspires people on a daily basis. Infertility is only a part of your story, it is NOT the entire story. We are all faced with different challenges in life. These challenges are part of who we are, but they do not define us. Remember that everything works out in the end. If’s things aren’t worked yet, then it’s not the end. Keep your chin up and know that you are not alone. Thank you for sharing such a raw and emotional post. Your strength is an inspiration.

  • Miriam

    July 15, 2013 |

    Hy Maegan, my name is Miriam, I am frim Romania and i started reading you while being pregnant. I had to stay in bed for almost 5 month and reading you helped me not to get insanely bored. I got pregnant very easy but it’s hard for my body to keep the baby so, after an spontaneous abortion (i hope is the corect term), I did everything (meaning no efort, laying in bed since 18 weeks of pregnancy, hormones and drugs to help me keep my baby, no sex for 9 month…well, everything as I saied) even if I never thought I will be able to. And now I am mother and is priceless and I trully understand your pain and hope you will have your child after all this strugle. So,my adivice is to do whatever you feel like because you never know….

  • thankfifi

    July 15, 2013 |

    It’s good to share – with us and probably a therapist too – if they tell you nothing new and you don’t feel any better, just don’t go back.x

    Thankfifi

  • Kiri

    July 15, 2013 |

    Hi Maegan,

    The reason I found your blog and then followed it is because we are sharing in the same struggle.

    I haven’t told anyone I know yet. I can’t come to terms with admitting there is a problem. Thankyou for being braver than I am.

    PS It really, really sucks

  • crystal

    July 15, 2013 |

    It is never a bad idea to talk to a therapist. Never. You will walk away feeling better. I’m so sorry for all of your pain.

  • Anonymous

    July 15, 2013 |

    I don’t know your whole story and I am no medical expert, but I had some trouble getting pregnant and when my doctor first mentioned fertility treatments, I kinda freaked out. However, she talked to me about various things we could try, turns out I wasn’t ovulating so she sent me home with clomid and now I have twin boys (the clomid worked a little too well on me!) maybe you have tried things like clomid or maybe they aren’t right for you, but know that not all fertility treatments are invasive and expensive!

    -Anika

  • A.Co

    July 15, 2013 |

    I’m here, reading, following along for several years now and sending a BIG HUG…. not that a big hug does much, but..

    I don’t think I can add anything better than what these wonderful women have already said and commented (esp. the FB ones). I’ve been to therapy (while going through my divorce) and never had before. It helped me sooooo much, just talking and talking and talking… you can repeat yourself, rehash details 10 times or whatever. You will learn about yourself and at the very least, feel as if you have a coping mechanism for an hour a week (or however often you go…) I would highly recommend it and I’m living proof that it helps. I don’t know how I would have made it through the worst year of my life.

  • Amanda Tiller

    July 15, 2013 |

    I can’t even begin to understand what you are going through, but know that you are surrounded by people who love you, readers who adore you, and every single person whose life you touch wants only the very best for you! <3

  • Pam

    July 15, 2013 |

    I have been to a therapist for different reasons in my life and you will not believe the effect/shift in perspective/help they can offer. I thought the same, what will they tell me that I don’t already know, but the results were amazing. Highly recommend it.

  • Carla Kokoszka

    July 15, 2013 |

    Megan, it always pains me to read these posts (i’m a big fan and am constantly rooting for you). I feel your hurt and sadness just reading your words. I have to agree with some of the women here. From someone who’s been in your shoes, don’t sell your dreams short. Go see a fertility doctor. You don’t have to commit to anything, just find out your options. There are SO MANY options out there and who knows, maybe there’s something out there you didn’t know about that is not invasive or expensive and may work for you. Just go!! It doesn’t hurt to talk to someone about options. I will continue to pray for you. I did ivf, I understand what you mean… it is invasive and not a fun process but it gave me my beautiful twin girls. I’d do it all over again bc they were worth every needle poke, emotional outburst and bedrest! Sending you love and comfort Meg…. so sorry you’re going through this! xo

  • LesliMarie

    July 15, 2013 |

    I can’t give you advise on a therapist, but I would like to say that I too have been trying since 2006…I too have endometriosis…I too was told we are going to clean you all out…and I too still have nothing. What I can tell you is that after following you for a little over a year you and I have the same out burst and the same feelings. Its hurtful, and it does sometimes feel like I’m stupid. I notice that you always say your fearful of fertility treatments…I would like you to know, your the smarter person….because I did 2 IUI’s with injections,(we couldn’t afford IVF and it wasn’t covered), and the injections and hormones did nothing but make me crazy, and bring all my cyst and a polyp back:( I know you have hundreds of others comment and contact you, but if you ever what to talk you can contact me through my blog.
    I’m right there with you, believe me, and it sucks.

    xo
    LesliMarie
    http://www.linenandtulle.com

  • Anonymous

    July 15, 2013 |

    Dear Maegan,

    everytime I read your posts about this I feel so sad. But don’t think that you are a failure. That is not true.

    My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for exactly 10 years this month. I am 37 now. We had quite a bit of fertility treatments as well as four cycles of IUI until I couldn’t handle it anymore. It tore my heart apart.
    Our doctor couldn’t ever find a reason why we can’t get pregnant.
    That was about five years ago and up until this day I still hope that one day it may happen naturally. Maybe!

    This whole situation has made me try to stay away from any children over the years, which is pretty difficult as there are so many young families in our neighborhood. I am having a hard time seeing these happy little families living their happy familiy life. Of course they have no idea. I guess they just think I don’t like children.

    Sometimes I try to make myself believe that there is a reason why we can’t have children. Sometimes I even (try to) think that I don’t want children anymore. But over the last few months I felt a little spark of hope again because my life kind of changed a bit and I would be so ready to be a mom.

    I wouldn’t want to do any more treatments. But that is something everyone needs to make their own decisions about.
    And we don’t want to adopt either. We do think that every child deserves a loving home. But we really wanted a child created by our love. I don’t know if I could handle having a child and not knowing where his or hers family comes from etc. My brother adopted his wifes child when they got married. And I really love my niece. But that’s a different situation I guess.

    I can’t tell you what to do or not to do. This needs to be your own decision. I only wanted to let you know that I exactly know what you are going through and that you are not alone. Don’t think you are stupid, useless or a failure. Because that is not true.
    Still, after 10 years I haven’t given up entirely. What would that make me?

    P.S. Sorry, my English isn’t too good.

  • Anonymous

    July 15, 2013 |

    Maegan. As a woman who walked in your shoes, I feel you!!!
    I too was freaked out by all forms of treatment. I met with 3 drs hoping they would tell me there was another way besides IVF.
    My husband and I consulted with 3 different adoption agencies. Lots and lots of heartache and tears (from the husband too!).
    In the end, we chose to not doing anything … I know the reality of me getting pregnant is off the charts NOT possible, I still think “what if”… and this is 7 years later.

    I love my life and feel at peace with the decision we have made. Yet, I will never never “get over” not having a baby or being a mom….All I can say is that everyone’s choice is their own and you have to walk the path to your decision…and I KNOW it’s so painful!!! Especially when you have young ones in your life and like me, saw pregnant people everywhere!
    But PLEASE!!! YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS!!! This is not anyone’s ‘fault’…it just is.

  • Katie

    July 15, 2013 |

    Your posts about infertility always strike a chord with me since my husband and I are going through it as well. I started seeing a fertility specialist in May and was surprised that there are more options than I thought. It’s eye opening and overwhelming at the same time. It’s such a roller coaster though, every day, and none truly understands unless they’ve experienced it.

    Having been through therapy, I definitely think it’s worth a try. It can really help give you a different perspective and learn how to process and deal with your emotions.

  • Andi of My Beautiful Adventures

    July 15, 2013 |

    I wish I could give you a giant hug in person!!! We’re getting ready to start trying for a family and I’m consumed with the thoughts of what if I can’t get pregnant. I agree with what some of the other commenters have said. I think you should meet with a fertility specialist and just hear what they have to say. Medicine really has come a long way!!!

  • eeebailey

    July 15, 2013 |

    I’m so sorry, it is really and truly rough. I went through infertility treatments, and the emotional roller coaster is so intense. I haven’t looked at what has been written above, but want to give you my two cents. Hopefully I’m not duplicating info. A therapist might not have anything new to tell you (or maybe there is something that you haven’t thought of), but what a therapist CAN do is listen, and listen with no other objective but to listen to you. You don’t have to feel silly, or like you are imposing or anything. A therapist will give you a safe place to vent and rant and cry and rage all you want. It’s good to have a place to get it off your chest. Because you have a ton of emotions that make you feel like you are loosing it – but you aren’t, your response is completely normal – it’s good to have a place.
    I found an infertility support group and it was great to have a group of women who were going through the same thing, and it helped me feel less alone and less crazy.
    As for IVF, just make sure you won’t end up with a woulda coulda shoulda…I went through it (it’s hard to imagine it’s been so long) ~19-20 years ago. Technology has got to have improved and developed since then. Have you discussed the numbers? The odds? They usually have them, and it was helpful for me to make a decision to do it or not.
    Take care of yourself, you are a beautiful and talented woman. <3

  • JoDi

    July 15, 2013 |

    I’m so sorry for your pain. Wish there was more I could do for you. Sending you a giant hug. 🙂

  • Heather

    July 15, 2013 |

    Dear Maegan,
    Hugs from across the internet are coming your way. I cannot even begin to imagine the type of emotional trauma this situation has left you with over the years. The desire to have children is SUCH a big role in life happiness, and it is heavily underplayed socially.
    I know you’re not looking to seek advice, but I think it really wouldn’t hurt to consider talking to a therapist. I am a medical student and we had a lecture with the official fertility team at our university, which included a triad of a physician, therapist, and sexual medicine specialist, all of whom had a TREMENDOUS amount of caring and empathy. Everyone who works in the field GENUINELY CARES and wants to be there for their patients. I saw how their patient’s lives were touched. Perhaps they can do something for you as well.

  • Amy @ At the Pink of Perfection

    July 15, 2013 |

    Oh girl, I don’t even know where to start. People suck. People are assholes. They never fail to disappoint, do they? I wish I could take some of this pain from you- I’m struggling with things in my own life right now and I hate when people tell me it’ll get better, or that people have it worse. Makes me want to punch them in their face.

    Don’t know why I felt the need to comment, but I felt your pain through your writing and wanted to offer some sort of comfort and understanding. Grieve how, when, and as long as you want. The only people that matter in your choices are you and your husband, tell people to suck it. 🙂

  • Andrea

    July 16, 2013 |

    I know your fears about IVF and fertility treatments but you should really read my friend’s blog, http://www.skinnymeg.com. She struggled for almost 2 years to get pregnant with her second baby–first getting body and mind in order, then undergoing a few different options until she finally had success and is pregnant again. I really wish you would consider it more… you would be such a great mom and you guys would have such cute kids! Would surrogacy/gestational carrier be an option?

  • Anonymous

    July 16, 2013 |

    This post just breaks my heart, maegan. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is a journey that I have been on as well as many, many of my friends. You are NOT alone!! Although my infertility is different from yours (I suffered from secondary infertility….got preggo very easily the first time and then tried for nearly 3 years for baby #2), all infertility is hard, painful, and heart breaking. Please know that my prayers are with you and your husband. Tonight I will pray for you by name and call out to God for a blessing for your family. I have been through the clomid, the follistim, the progesterone, the iui’s,the countless drs visits….all of it. And I became very, very resentful when other friends would get pregnant so easily. I wanted to slap each person that told me, “well at least you have ONE healthy child…..”. I wish I could tell you that one day it will happen for you. But, I am not God and I don’t know the plans He has for your life. What I will tell you is that there are many,many non-invasive treatments that are available. I hope that maybe you will explore these options at some point if you feel that is the thing to do. I am so, so thankful that we did ALL of the treatments because they finally worked. Was it hard? Oh yes! Was it worth it? Absolutely!! I enjoy your blog very, very much….thank you for sharing your life with all of us. Prayers sent your way ALL the way from Alabama!! -rhonda smith

  • Tirzah

    July 16, 2013 |

    Hi Maegan,

    It makes me so sad that you are going through this, but as someone that has been through some trauma, I know that this kind of stuff will re-visit you over and over. I know for me, I will feel completely over it for months and think “I’m all better!” only for it to come crashing down again. I think it is totally natural that you feel this way and not something to be embarrassed about at all.

    I think that you underestimate your capacity to love. I don’t think you could possibly feel anything but adoration for a baby that you adopted. I’m pretty sure you would fall in love with it instantly. And adopting doesn’t mean you have to give up on getting pregnant either. I know a couple who tried for years and could not get pregnant. They finally decided to adopt and after adopting their son they had two of their own! And now they are so grateful it worked out that way because they never would have adopted the son that they love so much if they had their other two first.

    Anyway, I really do pray and wish the best for you. I think it is good that you write it out. It is a healthy outlet and no, we don’t get tired of reading it. You aren’t fake and that’s what I love about it. That’s why it’s so easy to relate to.

    Sending you love <3

  • :: Lavender's Green ::

    July 16, 2013 |

    Hi Maegan,

    I want you to know how brave you are for posting your thoughts and emotions about your struggles with fertility and how much I admire and respect you for it. My husband and I haven’t started trying for children yet because I have been unwell with a myriad of issues our entire marriage. I am scared though, because I have endometriosis and have had it since I was 12 (18 years now).

    I know I can’t speak from experience, but have you thought about getting your husband’s count checked? I have some friends who couldn’t get pregnant for years and the doctors were baffled as to why until they checked his sperm quality and count. I don’t know the full statistics, but it ended up being something like less than 5% were somewhat healthy. After more tests and procedures they found he had a large vein that was giving off too much heat (due to increased blood flow) and was killing his sperm. It’s a genetic thing that generally goes undetected because it’s not something people normally think of. Sometimes it can be one larger vein, sometimes it can be too many veins. Either way, he had minor surgery and now they have a gorgeous six month old 🙂

    I recommend speaking with a specialist or a therapist/counsellor because they will be able to give you great advice and even methods of relief to calm your anger at yourself. Know that you are not a failure in any way.

    Wishing you all the best and sending you lots of love.

    x

  • Nadine

    July 16, 2013 |

    My dear, I really have no words of advice for you. You will find your own way through this somehow. But I must thank you for sharing your story in such an honest and relatable way! I know several people in real life who struggle with infertility, and I shy away from discussing it with them because it is such a painful topic. Your posts on the subject are so honest and share your experience so fully, that they really help me to empathise with what my friends/family are going through, and I hope help me to be as supportive and sensitive as I can. Thank you for being you! I truly hope you find what help you need, in whatever form. Much love. xoxo

  • Shayne

    July 16, 2013 |

    hi maegan im sorry to hear about what you are going through. its very heartbreaking just to read about it. i dont know a lot about these kinds of situation but i sincerely hope that you feel better soon. i also think that a therapist can help.

  • Patty

    July 16, 2013 |

    I just want to hug you because I understand completely. Trust in yourself…you can make a child feel loved. You and your husband have a great relationship and any child adopted into your home will fill it with joy and happiness. Adoption is not about accepting you can’t do something…it’s about dreaming bigger. Somewhere out there a child is waiting for you!

  • ma

    July 16, 2013 |

    Dear Maegan,
    Words cannot express how you are feeling at this point. Please know that life can throw many zingers at us, but there is a sunny rainbow at the end, trust me I have been there.

    You are loved and appreciated by so many, and you and your husband will be blessed in time, I can feel it.

    Keep the faith!
    Peace & Love,
    Mary

  • Jen Vallette

    July 16, 2013 |

    Ditto along with all the great feedback. Try and keep in mind that our fears keep us from fulling living the lives we want or have the potential to have. Staying in our comfort zones is a crutch that does us no good. Try to remember the last time you pushed through a moment or situation that you feared. I bet you came out on the other side with something you wanted and it was a positive move. Instead of focusing on what you don’t or feel you can’t have? Focus on what you’re doing to prevent it. We all have the power and the resources to make anything and everything happen. We really do. It just takes being aware, being honest with yourself and taking a leap of faith into the unknown and sometimes scary places. Much love ~

  • megan

    July 16, 2013 |

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • megan

    July 16, 2013 |

    My husband and I just went through a round of IVF and then, 6 weeks later, miscarried. It broke my heart. It still does. Please note, the feelings you have a normal! I have been dealing with anger, sadness, grief, heartbreak, jealously for years. It wasn’t until the miscarriage that I realized that I’m allowed to feel this way. I see people pop out kids left and right with no issues and I get jealous. What I’ve realized about that? I’m human. So in a nutshell, you are too. Most importantly, know you are not alone. I thought I was for years. It’s almost a relief to know there are women out there that I can turn to. I wish you nothing but love and success. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you! XOXOXO

  • megan

    July 16, 2013 |

    My husband and I just went through a round of IVF and then, 6 weeks later, miscarried. It broke my heart. It still does. Please note, the feelings you have a normal! I have been dealing with anger, sadness, grief, heartbreak, jealously for years. It wasn’t until the miscarriage that I realized that I’m allowed to feel this way. I see people pop out kids left and right with no issues and I get jealous. What I’ve realized about that? I’m human. So in a nutshell, you are too. Most importantly, know you are not alone. I thought I was for years. It’s almost a relief to know there are women out there that I can turn to. I wish you nothing but love and success. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you! XOXOXO

  • Aunt Peaches

    July 16, 2013 |

    My heart aches to read this. You have so much love to give that it hurts you to not let it out. What greater pain can there be?
    I do not know the answers…I wish I knew why so many deserving women struggle to conceive while others struggle through “unwanted” pregnancy. It is a cruel injustice. Nobody has any right to offer unsolicited advice about something so dear and heartfelt. The thought of people telling you “You’re not doing it right” makes me want to punch someone! What is wrong with people?!?!?!
    Here is what I do know: You have love to give. A home. A heart. Shelter from the storm. I spent most of my life growing up without a mom, and I can tell you for a fact, there are many ways to “mother” a child besides the typical path. Please don’t second guess yourself (or blame yourself, or hate yourself, or anything else) because your path ahead might look a little different than what you envisioned when you were a kid. Love is love. Let it out.

  • Anonymous

    July 17, 2013 |

    Dear Maegan,

    What I want to say to you is THANK YOU! Thank you so much for actually putting a post like this out there. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I needed to read this post today.I have been in a “Funk” this whole week. My husband and I have suffered from Infertility since around 2007 as well, and still we are no closer bringing a baby into this world that we were when we first started. Your story hits home for me and I am just glad to know that I am not the only person who feels this way. It’s crazy how you mentioned how it just creeps up on you and hits you at random times in life, one second your sky high and the next your flat on your head. I wish the best for you and your husband, I know how crazy it can get so here is a computer hug to you from me. And thanks again for helping me get through this rough week.
    -Britt

  • Anonymous

    July 18, 2013 |

    Hi Maegan, My RE offers a natural cycle IVF that doesn’t involve drugs and has had some success. Maybe you should investigate that route. http://www.naturalcycleivf.com/

    Best of luck.

  • Loulou

    July 18, 2013 |

    I can tell you from experience that it does get better and easier over time Maegan. You will still cry about it at times but the sharp pain will eventually recede. The most important part is to keep your relationship with your beloved husband strong, and to find plenty of non kid-centric things to do. I do admit to avoiding children in general, except for family and close friends, but that is easy enough to do.

    That said, there are some non-invasive things you can do medically. Unless you see a fertility doctor you’ll never know if your situation is easily fixed, and it might truly be. If you do this now you’ll feel better later in life if you at least know why it was that you didn’t get
    pregnant. And once you know what your personal medical condition is your monthly disappointment will go away, because you’ll know if there was even a possibility every month. Anyway, it really helped me to know it would never happen. You stop hoping and life goes on more smoothly.

    I hope you don’t mind this advise from someone you don’t know but in writing these posts I imagine you’re open to hearing from those who have learned to live a happy life in spite of something that is so painful and disappointing.

  • myka

    July 19, 2013 |

    hi! I am so very sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is a horribly hard journey. I myself have gone through years of fertility issues. My husband and I did get pregnant once via a fertility treatment, but I miscarried at 9 weeks. It’s been a year since that happened, and I have not been able to get pregnant again. None of my friends truly get it, but I am SO lucky to have an incredible husband by my side throughout it all. It sounds like you also have a wonderful husband with you through this VERY difficult journey. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. It helps all of us out here to feel a little less alone.
    xo, myka
    http://www.modernsequins.com

  • beautycalypse.wordpress.com

    July 21, 2013 |

    dear meagan,

    I’m your long-time reader (but not a commenter, duh), but this post got to me more than any post before.

    first of all, I think you’re very beautiful (hey, in fact you remind me of diana krall), talented AND blessed with a soul mate. that’s a LOT already. please don’t ever, ever forget this about some idiots’ tactless remarks.
    that’s all I have to say because I’m neither a psychotherapist, nor a fertility expert.

    in fact I’m about your age and I don’t want to have kids – so when anybody asks (and ppl are ery curious about when others have to have kids), I tell I don’t think babies are an achievement in times of a dooming zombie apocalypse.

    I hope that cheers you up a little bit. keep up that fab work of yours 🙂

    love, nath

  • SkinnyJenny

    July 22, 2013 |

    I’m fairly new to all the infertility crap. My husband and I have opted to seek treatments and just had our 3rd failed IUI. It sucks. There is nothing else to say about it.

    You put into words the feeling that I can’t seem to share and for that I thank you.

    xoxo
    Jenny

  • clémence

    July 23, 2013 |

    I am crying rivers right now..

    I am french and I hope you will understand my words better than I understood yours.

    I am 24 years old and I know I can’t get pregnant since 19.
    It is the hardest thing I had to learn but I dealt with. I am ready for adoption even if it is too soon right now. But I know I can’t do it another way.

    I am so moved that you are so brave to talk about it. And if each people and his history are so different ; I just can tell you no matter you choose adoption or treaments ; seeing a therapist was better for me to deal with my conflicting emotions.
    A therapist is not supposed to give you the solution of your issue, but prepare yourselves to choose the better solution for you.

    I hope time will fix your issues.

    Even if it doesn’t comfort you, you are not alone and it helps people like me to read somebody’s experience.

    Thank you and be strong.

    XoXo

  • tiarastantrums

    July 25, 2013 |

    I’ve been reading you for years and years . . . having followed this story line of yours . . . I’m so sad for you. I think you SHOULD meet with a specialist – I did. They tell you YOUR options – what they can do – what they can’t do and you go from there. The issue you have now is the waiting . . . it takes months and months to even get a referral to a specialist sometimes. They will want all the test results that your OB has first before they even see you (sometimes). Then they take their own tests, which is months in the making at times. Taking Clomid is PAINLESS! BUT it brings hope, and there isn’t anything wrong with that! Go – go now, make the appt!!

  • Anonymous

    July 25, 2013 |

    “Ka to he ra, Ka rere te ra. KIA KAHA.”

    “A sun sets, a day is born” Stand strong!!”

    Here’s to new beginnings, whatever that may mean!

  • Penelope

    August 4, 2013 |

    I would see a specialist. Sometimes the solution is surprisingly easy. For us, we had a test to see if I was “clogged” anywhere, for any reason, and this test (a hypersalpingo-something) has a solution that apparently makes the cilia that lines the insides stand up and more motile, so many women who have this test end up pregnant right after- and it happened for me. It’s one of those things that you hear about but because there is no scientific testing done with it or anything like that, not something doctors would recommend or think makes sense…but mainly, I just wanted to say you never know. You don’t necessarily need IVF or hormones or anything like that.

  • stacey

    August 16, 2013 |

    My husband and I were in the same situation as you. We tried for 2 and half years to get pregnant with no success, every month was pain and misery and heart ache I was utterly depresssed and couldn’t even watch tv programmes with pregnant women in, I had to have therapy just so I could get my self right to deal with normal day to day things (like going to work) it really helped me. We decided to have fertility treatment and belive me it was hard, emotional and invasive. We tried clomid and that didn’t work and we finally got pregnant on tamoxifen our little boy is now nearly one. It is hard having treatment and you have to be solid in your marriage as it can put a strain on it, but it is so worth it. What got me through was having a plan, if we couldn’t get pregnant we were going for IVF if that didn’t work we had decided to adopt. Fertility treatment is hard but it is so worth it I never thought we would be where we are today. If you would like to talk I could share my experiences with you if you like. Good luck xx

  • Anonymous

    September 2, 2013 |

    To have a child you need to know you would DIE for that child – jump under a bus, anything! You won’t even give your child a chance by making a compromise on your anti IVF beliefs. You do not deserve a baby. I am glad you won’t get one because you’re already too selfish.

  • Anonymous

    September 3, 2013 |

    Ithink you’re not ready to have a child, you are selfish and coward, by taking decisions of something you dont even know. Is like you want people to feel sorry for you, and you want to live in this sadness for no reason at all. Going to a therapist is not going to help because you dont want to be helped in the first place. There’s people in worst situation than you and doesnt stop the fight. You want a serious problem to get fixed by a miracle, and honey is not gonna happen. Open your eyes and stop being so ignorant!!!
    Mercedes from Caracas

  • Nola

    September 4, 2013 |

    I think.. go for a treatment, M! There’s nothing to lose.. Try a few times, so at least you know you’ve tried. I understand your principals, but just try 🙂 Really.. I feel good about it.

  • sal

    September 9, 2013 |

    Hello. This is a little late but out of the options you’ve mentioned- therapist and fertility treatments, there is absolutely nothing to lose in even trying. You’re still young, fertility treatments can do amazing things but first you have to let it. Don’t be biased by the internet because it is generally filled with stories of people who want an outlet to vent when things go wrong. This is true for everything.
    Do you want to write a post in 20 years wishing you had tried absolutely everything?

  • Kristel

    October 11, 2013 |

    Hello, Maegan!

    I’m sorry, if I point out something that someone else already did I haven’t read all the replies. Or even something that you yourself already have tried or tested. I’m not a native english speaker, so forgive me if I don’t exactly make sense, I totally try 🙂 I really-really want to help you out, since I can see you suffer and it’s painful to see. So, it’s just for a thought.

    As much as I’ve followed your blog and your ongoing yourney to get bregnant, I’ve understood that the problem is not physical, your “equipment” is as good as any other woman’s who get bregnant. As you said, it’s all cleaned up and ready to shoot. You have probably also checked it with several different doctors, who have confirmed that you should be able to get bregnant without problems. Also the match with your husband, that there is no conflict between your “particles” and that he is all healthy and the little ones are running fast enough, right? So, the problem must lay in the “attic” so to speak. I don’t want to say anything that might sadden you even more, making you think that what the heck, “I want to get bregnant more than anything in the world, so how could it be in my head?!”. A lot lies in our subconsciousness, of which we are not aware of and the brain makes everything tick in our body, so the “program not to get bregnant” might be running without you being aware of it. And changing programs in our subconcious is something that very few of us are capable of doing by themselves. It takes a lot of practice and time. The reason might be something as stupid as for example as a child you saw or heard something negative about bregnancy or anything concering about it, that triggered your brain into “self-defensive mode” not to get bregnant, ever. You don’t even have to remember anything like it. The reason might be totally absurd, but the subconciousness is often quite absurd. If you yet haven’t tried hypnotherapy, this might be worth testing. Also art-therapy. You are very talented and skilled, so this could suit you really well. Doing things with your hands, for example drawing can bring out things from the subconsious flat out on the paper, with the help of art-therapist you can deal with the stuff, that comes out. Just talking to a therapist is also useful, but the thing with forming words is the thing that before they come out, they pass the cencorship of the subconcious. For example, by drawing the cencorship doesn’t work and you might surprise yourself. We are often our greatest enemies. People “think” themselves ill, often not being aware of it. For example if you even read or hear a detailed description of a rubella or any other nasty skin desease you soon might feel yourself itching somewhere, some people may even get an actual rash. Mind is a powerful tool, right?

    I understand your attitude towards “artificial” treatments, like hormontherapy and so on. But dealing with your brain, using professional help, might give you the answer to your question “why I can’t get bregnant” or/and the solution to the problem. And it’s all natural, chemical-free so to say. Also art therapy will defenitely help you to manage your anxiety and stress concerning the issue. To see your worries, problems on a paper, “outside” of you, already helps to deal with them. As you said, it has helped when you write about your thoughts and concerns. Art-therapy is just a step further.

    Just for the comparison, to illustrate what I was talking about, I’ll bring out an example of my subconcious doing something extremely stupid in my opinion. I grind teeth when I sleep. The reason for it is not physical, there is nothing wrong with my bite, my teeth are all there and nicely lined up, I don’t have parasites, I’m not living awfully stressed life, I’m 29 and no hormone rally going on- basically, nothing wrong physically, nothing I’m aware of. Since I can’t do anything to control it when I sleep, I figured that, ok then, perhaps hypnotherapist, who deals with subconcious can help me then. And he certainly did. He programmed my subconcious not to grind, and as I’m not compleatly free from it yet, it has dramatically lessen. (I have a partner to evaluate the results 🙂 ) I guess it takes some more sessions to get compleatly free from it, but it has worked already. The reason why I do it, is in my head. To me the reason why I do it at the first place is not as important and it takes more time and sessions to dig to the reason and I’m not that rich 😛 But with hypnotherapy it is possible to find out the reason and to provide the solution as well. It’s no hocus-pocus, “flying” under the seiling, it’s all natural. Being hypnotised you don’t really understand that there is something very different of your “natural” state of mind. It just feels like you are relaxed, you control yourself, if you are being asked to do something you don’t want to do, you will come out of the hypnosis. So, nothing to be afraid of, I totally recommend it if you haven’t tried it yet. It’s just another option to “tick”, to point out, that this is something you tried.

    Either way, I think it’s easier to deal with problems when you bring out the possible solutions, literally, write them ALL down, even the ones you don’t really want to consider, remember, you want to say that you have tried EVERYTHING, you possibly could. It’s for your own peace of mind, for noone else, only for you. Pin them on a refridgerator even and tick them, when you have tried them out. For example you can already tick the physical check-up, if you have done it and a couple of different doctors pointed out that they can’t see anything physically wrong with you. It should defenitely bring the peace of mind when you literally see it on paper that you have done everything you could possibly do or were capable of doing. If you see some solutions as “I don’t want to do that”, for example that you don’t want to have hormontherapy, then you can deal with that the same way. Ask yourself, why? Put it on a paper, write down everything that concerns it, the negative and positive aspects and you can make a decision if it’s for you or not and put it on a side. That way you can get everything out of your head, as you have said yourself and relieve the anxiety. You have thought it out, tried it out, and it wont roll in your head anymore. You can accept the outcome, what ever that might be then. Right now it seems to me that you are like on a rollercoaster, you swish around and you can’t get off. And it’s because you don’t know WHY you can’t get bregnant, you haven’t worked with all the possible solutions to the problem.

    And I’m sorry that I wrote such a long comment, I really want you to get your peace of mind concerning that issue. You are tormenting yourself and obviously you don’t do any good with that. It’s just a huge waste of your energy and health. You are so talented and smart woman, use your skills and tools to help yourself and let yourself to be helped. 🙂

    Wish you all the best and take action 🙂

  • portia ,england uk

    October 11, 2013 |

    This is so sad am 35 and looking for the right man to have a child with and this is not fair. You have all and just that ability, for some reason,you are going to be mom to the best mom to whom ever is destinity to fall in those arms.

    You are a mum to a very special person already. Good luck.

    Kisses from england, will keep you in my prayers.

  • Fina

    October 20, 2013 |

    Wow, why the unjustifiable fear of using fertility hormones. My sister got pregnant this way, and it wasn’t that bad! I think it took her a year. She used a vaginal cream at the right time of the month. No extreme mood swings (and she is sensitive too!), yet even if she thought these were a risk, they would have never deterred her like it is you. Maybe, just maybe you are ok with not having a child? Most women will sell their soul, and then some. Instead of feeling bad about it, perhaps you should really search deep to see if it is really that important to you. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I will say after my sister had her son, she wanted to nurse for a full year. I told her not to do this, as I read all her fertile hormones are super high for 1 year afterwards. Hence, why we hear so many women getting pregnant right away with a 2nd child after years of trying for just one (my mother with me for example – I am lucky to be here). In my sister’s floating cloud 9 mentality, she ignored me, and came to deeply and bitterly regret it. She was 40 when she had her son, and by 41 (plus telling her body to not menstruate by nursing 24/7) she dropped incredibly low hormonally, and her body began to close shop. She even resorted to shots in the butt by her husband every night in an effort for a 2nd baby. So just make sure if you do get pregnant, nurse for 2-3 months only (or not really at all), and then get cracking for the next.

  • Mil

    November 5, 2013 |

    Hey Meagan. Although I am not a religious reader of your blog I have come across your bliog plenty of times to look at your hair tutorials and while I was scrolling through the rest of the blog I somehow ended up here.The doctors told one of my teachers that her and her husband will not be able to have kids at all and after 7 years of them trying she got pregnant! So don’t give up! Try some natural remedies for fertility if you haven’t already.

    Best of luck!

    • Maegan Tintari

      November 5, 2013 |

      Thank you so much 🙂

  • Kathi Schroeder

    November 13, 2013 |

    Dear Maegan, we waited six years! Don’t loose hope, I know exactly what you’re feeling. I’ve been through this. Six years waiting, treatments, insemination etc. After that, nothing, just visting a tibetan doctor giving me some pills an after that …finally..after a terrible birth…a wounderfull daugther named Amélie. We are thankfull! Nearly nine years of waiting again and again and nothing! We would have loved having a second but I now slightly understand that you can’t command this thing. I hope for you and I pray for you. believe me, you are not alone!
    Greetings Kathi

  • lili

    November 15, 2013 |

    I’ve been following you since 2007 and yes I’m a believer and still hope you will become pregnant. I will follow you till the end and will always have faith.

  • hopefulforyou22

    December 16, 2013 |

    Hi there! I follow your wonderful blog – and some time ago I sent you a message, and my computer froze and you never received it. Such as life.
    Like you, I had fertility issues (according to my doctor), and I had numerous fibroids acting as an IUD. After laproscoopy the fibroids were removed (12 total – yikes!) and we still did not conceive. I completely gave up, and decided that it was not in the cards for us. Then my face began breaking out with hormonal acne. I was reading how to eradicate hormone acne, and I came across VITEX chaste berry herb. I tried it. Face cleared up. 4 months later, I conceived a baby completely on accident. Now, here I am 2 years later watching this little cherub run around. Just thought I’d pass my story on to you and maybe you’ve tried VITEX, if not try it!

    • Maegan Tintari

      December 16, 2013 |

      That’s amazing! Thanks for sharing your story. I’ll definitely look into Vitex. Thank you!

  • Cindy

    December 17, 2013 |

    Hi Maegan: I just stumble upon your blog from Babble and this post of yours made me all teary. My infertility journey is nothing compare to yours but I understand how you must feel. Our first child was a honeymoon baby so we didn’t think it will be hard to conceive the second time. Boy, were we wrong about it. When we were going through our infertility period, one of my friend told me that she went to see an acupuncturist and got pregnant after 3 months. She wasn’t a acupuncture believer until her sister-in-law went through 2 failed IVF and then became pregnant naturally after seeing an acupuncturist. I had ectopic pregnancy, which was hard to take, and went to see the same acupuncturist that my friend was seeing. My husband was treated by the acupuncturist at the same time. I became pregnant after 4 months. The acupuncturist’s office walls were full of baby pictures of infertile parents thanking him. It’s not 100% guaranteed that this will work for you, but it’s something you can look into if you haven’t already.

    On a more superstitious note, my cousin, who only has one ovary and both of her tubes are blocked, went to a tarot card reader every month when she was going through infertility. On the month the tarot card reader told her that she has a great chance of success with her IVF, she went ahead and had another IVF done even though she just had a IVF fail 2 month ago. And she got pregnant.

    Hope these will give you more hope and not to give up.

  • Lindsay

    January 2, 2014 |

    Your heart is too big and too compassionate to ever let a child feel resented, whether they were adopted or birthed from you.

    • Maegan Tintari

      January 2, 2014 |

      Thank you so much… really. Thank you 😉

  • Elena

    January 2, 2014 |

    Hi Maegan,

    I am a longtime fan of your website, and it is so clear from your writing that you would be an amazing mother. I just wanted to echo what some of the people on the board have said already – you have nothing to lose by exploring different fertility options.

    While I understand your fears that it will be too difficult to feel like you are trying everything and it’s still not working, I truly believe that you will never regret trying as much as you’ll regret not trying. None of us have the luxury of infinite time. Think about the last six years – do you wish, in retrospect, that you had already tried some things during that time, even if they had not worked?

    You can’t change the past, but you can take charge of your future. Talk to everyone who may be able to help, and then decide what you’re comfortable with. It may be an at-home ovulation monitor plus herbal supplements, it may be acupuncture, it may be a really good fertility specialist who can tell you if you need IVF or just clomid (which is really not that bad, my sister got pregnant with twins after just two months of taking it), or it may be an adoption agency who can get you started down the path of welcoming a child into your home. Incidentally, I know a couple who could not conceive for over 5 years, and then adopted a baby girl and got pregnant within a year of bringing her home. In their case, all they needed to conceive was to stop thinking about conceiving.

    Whatever you do, you will feel more empowered than if you do nothing. II know that it doesn’t seem fair that so many people just blink and it happens for them, but as you know, lots of other people have to work hard to become parents. I know women who had difficulty getting pregnant, and others who got pregnant easily and then had multiple miscarriages before welcoming a baby. Your path is hard, but you are not alone in that. Just remember that once you have a child, it will no longer matter at all how the child came into the world – you will forget all of the pain and heartache and anxiety.

    I want to leave you with one thought – please believe that, one day, you WILL have a child in your arms. Believe it as much as you’ve ever believed anything. Now it’s just a matter of finding a path toward that day. Don’t wait any more.

  • J

    January 8, 2014 |

    You are not alone. 2007 is the year that my husband and I started trying, too. And we will celebrate our 10 year anniversary this year, without a baby. I’m so sorry. I would not wish this on anyone.

  • Elle

    January 25, 2014 |

    The worst are the people who say don’t stress. Every time someone says that to me I want to punch them. Thanks for sharing your struggle. I wish more women were open about their infertility.

    • Meagan Claire

      January 31, 2014 |

      Amen to everything you just said. Especially the punching and the openness.

  • Meagan Claire

    January 31, 2014 |

    I found your blog by chance and I stayed because of your name and Leroy (I have one, his name is Mochi). But then I see that you have the same struggle that I do, and that was more odd. Everyone in my family is incredibly fertile, babies and bellies everywhere all the time. They get pregnant without trying, just by chance, “we knew it could happen, but weren’t trying,” and even while on hormonal birth control… But I have the same fears as you about hormones and IVF. I’ve always wanted to adopt, but I don’t feel like I’m ready for that. I work and paint and keep myself busy to distract. Every month I am still ridiculously hopeful, and still crumble in the same disappointed way. I tell my grandmother that my husband and I don’t want children, just so she’ll stop asking and stop giving advice.

  • ziajing

    February 11, 2014 |

    There’s no harm in trying. I would like to recommend ageloc R2 that has the power to reset genes and helps with infertility problem. It is best if both couple will use it. Would love to discuss more about it. Just let me know. It’s a patented product so I can’t discuss it more in here, which was featured in discovery channel last 2012.

  • Pregnancy Story Part 2 | FRUGAL TO FREEDOM

    February 14, 2014 |

    […] SIDE NOTE:  I pray nightly for those dealing with infertility.  I decided not going to write on the pain and emotional turmoil we went through, but I will post this from another (much more famous) blogger. She sums it up pretty perfectly.  https://lovemaegan.com/2013/07/infertility-makes-me-feel-stupid-shameful-embarrassed-and-most-o… […]

  • Hannah

    March 1, 2014 |

    Hello; I have just found your blog and I couldn’t help myself on this: maybe it’s not you. Maybe it’s your husband. Have you guys already have his count checked? If not, do. My cousin and his wife couldn’t get pregnant until they got HIM checked. Turns out he had some kind of genetic problem (he didn’t get into details), but now she’s 4 months pregnant. Please, do it. And do feel a failure!
    Love, Hannah.

  • Hannah

    March 1, 2014 |

    oops, please DON’T feel a failure — my bad! =S

  • Maria

    March 26, 2014 |

    I’m sorry you feel this way, Megan. Infertility sucks!

  • Nicole

    May 13, 2014 |

    Megan, love your website. I misscarried this week and after many weeks of tests, surgery and waiting etc I am ready to heal myself. I was drawn to you pony tail tutorial. I think will try a new hairstyle regularly with alitlle lite exercise to help. Then saw your infertility link. I have two beautiful children 4 and 1, I adore my family but was hoping for one more. I can tell you the the feelings of hopelessness, grief, embarrassment, failure and guilt are strong for mothers with miscarriage too. Having lovely children to care for is a great diversion but it doesn’t make dealing with the grief easier. This baby to me was a real opportunity to have another chance at holding and nurturing another person of my own biology which is now lost and will not be forgoten.
    Thank you for sharing your inspiring stories.
    All the best, with your health and fertility.
    Just a note. Mothers are those that nurture and care for others, weather there is a biological link or not, there is always someone who needs love.
    Oh it is possible of some to have a baby, if you are hopeful never give up. My aunty was on ivf for 15 years never could hold a pregnancy due to an autoimmune disease that would attach the fetus. Finally she relaxed and had diverted her attention to pets, family and others needing nurturing and then fell pregnant naturally at 46, delivered a healthy girl who is now 8.
    Happiness can happen one way or another you just need time to find it.
    Take care, have fun and love a lot .

  • Mari

    July 17, 2014 |

    Reading your post made me so emotional. You summed it up. You are younger than me so I tell you to believe with all of your heart and soul that you will have that baby. I have one 6 year old son and have been trying for over 3 years to give him a sibling. I have undergone all the fertility treatments out there except IVF. The emotional, and financial toll is like no other. But if you find a good doctor-they are truly the best. I refuse to allow my fears to dictate my actions. As I write this, Im asking God to banish my feelings of envy towards the friends and strangers I see who are pregnant. I try desperately to focus on my blessings rather than what I don’t have….yet. Its a daily battle but we are only human….don’t be too hard on yourself when you crumble….you will rise again! Believe with all your heart and soul and it will come to pass.

  • Anonymous

    March 28, 2015 |

    I found your blog in 2010, and read it from front to back. Your posts on infertility have stuck in my mind all these years. I still think of you and occasionally check your blog to see how you are doing. You opened my eyes to this struggle and I think you’re honesty about your feelings has helped others know that it’s ok to feel that way too.

    A few years ago our family (my sister-in-law) went through this struggle together. They tried to get pregnant for 8 years only to have an ectopic pregnancy that burst her fallopian tube and almost killed her. She finally decided that she was willing to do anything to have a child and underwent a round of IV, which failed and all of the harvested eggs died too. She was so strong that she tried again as soon as she could, took every supplement she could, and did acupuncture treatments right up to an hour before the implant process. Even though all the harvested eggs died again, she got pregnant and now has a 1.5 yr old girl that is so strong, smart, and funny. They are meeting with a fertility specialist soon to try for a second baby!

    Please don’t give up hope. When you’re ready to exhaust every option to have that baby, know that there are great options and that they are no lesser than conceiving naturally. I worked with a woman who finally had her first baby in her 40’s after trying for 20 years. You couldn’t imagine the overwhelming joy and happiness that everyone felt for her – so much more than for someone who easily got pregnant in their 20’s.

    Everyone wants you to succeed and nobody wants you to feel stupid, shameful, embarrassed, or like a failure. You are completely entitled to those feelings, but I hope you are not feeling them because you worry you are being judged by others. We just don’t understand and don’t know what to do to make you feel better.

    Giving up hope will do no better than keeping hope. Please don’t give up. Maybe try the medical options – if it means having a healthy, happy baby, you will never regret pumping yourself full of hormones to achieve that. I’ll always keep checking to see how you’re doing. You are an incredible person for bringing light to this topic!