Baby Fever

mark ryden, art, ecstasy of cecella, paintings, artists, infertility, baby fever
above art:Mark Ryden “Cecella”

My husband and I got married (well, eloped) September 4, 2006. He proposed at my 30th 80’s Roller Skate birthday party at the end of the Hokey Pokey – and it was awesomely radical! I thought soon after we’d buy a house and start makin’ babies.

Real estate in LA slowly started falling in the toilet which was a good sign at first because it gave us hope that we could maybe afford to buy bigger and better – and bad because it meant that we would have to wait even longer to buy. For me this basically means putting a halt to all future plans. Let it be known that I am not the most patient person in the universe. Waiting is not my forte.

But waiting means we are being smart. Waiting means we will have more money to use to buy a house we when finally can. We agreed that we wouldn’t move out of our (rented) condo until we were moving into our new house. We also agreed that we wouldn’t have kids until we were living in our new house. I’m starting to get impatient – to say the least.

Last August, we were almost positive that I was (accidentally) pregnant. Two weeks later, Aunt Flo arrived with the [insert British accent] bloody bad news. We hadn’t really planned to start at that point but we got excited and began trying. By December, I was still without child and came to the realization that “trying” sucked! We had much better sex before and after we stopped “trying”.

I guess I’m not the only woman who thinks she’s going to get knocked up on the first try, but after 14 years of trying desperately NOT to get pregnant, it’s a bit confusing when it doesn’t happen right away.

We decide to stop “trying” at the beginning of the year because the emotional roller coaster I went through every month was a killer for both me and my husband. We also didn’t have the house yet so technically we weren’t ready.

So now it’s the middle of March. As you may know, there is somewhat of a “baby boom” happening. Everyone and their mother (teehee) has got a baby in their arms or on the way. My mother constantly emails me pics of newborns or “baby news” from friends of the family. My father-in-law has been bugging us since before we were married for a grandchild. Many of our friends have babies now. A friend called the other day and told us they are preggo with their THIRD! Everyone is asking us WHEN, WHEN, WHEN? Every where I look I see a pregnant woman. BABIES, BABIES, BABIES! O M G.

I am starting to get really defensive about the whole thing. A bulging belly waddling down the street is liable to bring me to tears. I feel like a failure as a woman. My brother said to me on the phone yesterday “you’re next!” after giving me all the details of their friend’s new baby boy. I wanted to scream – NEXT? I WANTED TO BE FIRST! At this point, I can’t bring myself to tell anyone if we were trying because what if it NEVER happens?

My entire life the one thing I was absolutely sure about was wanting to be a mom someday. I will be devastated if I can’t.

*Maybe the “wanting” is the problem. Maybe the “I” is the problem.

LA native & lifestyle blogger Maegan Tintari writes daily at sharing beauty & style secrets, including fashion DIYs, how-to nail art manicures, hair tutorials, recipes & home decorating ideas, as well as a look into her personal life, her journey & battle with infertility & recent relocation to the mountains by a lake in search of a better life with her adorable French Bulldog brothers, Trevor and Randy.


  • Maegan

    March 29, 2008 |

    a small note about this post: One day I am sobbing that I am not pregnant, the next I am grateful that we don’t have the responsibility that comes with kids yet. It’s possible that I am crazy. I’m not ruling that out completely 🙂

  • LAG

    September 21, 2011 |

    I am a new follower I saw you today in INSTAGRAM , I am from Mexico and started a blog recently (sorry my bad english) and I am in love with yours I love feng shui organization and before and after stuff then I decide to see the begginig of the blog and just feel more identified with you , about the religion theme and life ,also I have a misscarriage at the 8 week and know how it feels to see babys everywhere , I believe in angels in an energy way like help from other astral plane or dimension you know ask them for help to receive their guide and never ask why but for what , I send you my best vibes and I am sure that baby will come when your house , life and marriage are ready. I hope you understand me because I can read but I am not good in writting English.

  • Anonymous

    February 28, 2012 |

    I too suffer from endo. I had a laporoscopy in 2001, in a month I was pregnant. I did not have to take the clomid and honestly after the laporoscopy, I wasn’t going too. I had moderate to severe endo and a cyst wrapped around one ovary.
    I’m now having accupuncture done for my endo and to help relieve stress and gain mental clarity.
    Maybe you should look into that? My heart goes out to you..

  • Anonymous

    March 3, 2012 |

    Querida Maegan,

    Leo tu caso y lo relaciono todo con el caso de mi amiga Monica. Ella estaba en tu misma situacion, trato de tener babys por años, y desilucion tras desilucion ella y su esposo decidieron no intentarlo mas, estaban totalmente devastados. Sin embargo, un buen dia descubrio que estaba embarazada, tenia 40 años de edad. Lo que te quiero decir es que mientras las personas mas nos obsesionamos con las cosas mas las alejamos de nosotros. Deja todo en manos de dios y ya veras que en el momento menos esperado recibiras esa increible noticia. Besos desde venezuela!

  • slack

    March 5, 2012 |

    I just read your post about infertility. And even thought I never myself thought I have infertility problems, matterofact at one point in my marriage I got checked and was concidered to be “normal” by my ob/gyn. However, it took me exactly 10 years!!! to get pregnant with my first child. I was just like you, people kept asking us when we planning to have kids, at the beginning of the marriage we were “undisicded”, then we “didn’t know”, then people stoped asking. Which was a relive but I swear at every family gathering specially kids birthdays I knew people were wondering what was wrong with us. I had break downs at the stores when I saw some babies stuff, and everyon around me wee pregnant. My sister in law was already having a 4th child. WHY NOT ME? 10 years later, no meds, no treatments, we had a healthy awesome baby boy. We waited another 3 years and decided to adopt another child so we wont have to wait another 10 years. The trigger to this was also the death of my mother, who died when my son turned 11 months old. Now we are in the process of adoption and we found a 2,5 year old boy in Russia. And guess what? I am two months pregnant! Things just happen how they supposed to happen. Just don’t loose your hope deep inside, but live your life like if not having children is YOUR plan. It is easier that way. And it will come to you if it meant to be. Good luck.

  • Anonymous

    March 28, 2012 |

    I just found your blog so forgive me if this comment seems premature.

    I identify a lot with your situation, this desire to have a kid of your own and create a wonderful bond of love that cannot be compared to anything.
    You mentioned that adoption is not too appealing to you because it is not a child made out of love from you and your husband. I strongly encourage you to review your feelings about this. Raising a child takes a lifetime of commitment, not just 9 months and not just a birth, and there are tons of wonderful innocent little beings that were just not fortunate enough to be born in a safe environment.
    You and your husband could be the family that one of these children deserve. Not only that but this child would grow with your values, your guidance, your support and it will truly become a product of the mutual love between you and your husband. This is just my two cents.

    If you want to know a little bit about me : I am married, no kids, deep desire to have some but we are not trying to get pregnant. Sometimes I worry I am infertile (I figure I should have gotten pregnant by now by accident, right?) but even if I do have kids of my own I have discussed with my husband that I also want to adopt in the future. Family love should be available to all of us and if my family can make even one human being experience it where otherwise he/she wouldn’t then we have made the world a better place.

    I truly wish you all the best, and I hope that whatever happens you find peace and happiness in your life.

  • Anonymous

    April 9, 2012 |

    My hubbie and I tried for over 6 years. I was told I had a condition called “PCOS” and that it was unlikely I would ever conceive. Reading your post reminds me of all the anger, frustration, sadness, confusion, and resentment I felt. It seemed so easy for everyone else. I was tired, like you, of this issue. I wanted to cast it aside and just be free of it all. But I could not run from the fact that it mattered, deeply, overwhelmingly. My husband and I moved to Hawaii for his PhD program, leaving all our family on the east coast. The month before we moved I “decided” (like I had a choice…) to be done. To swallow the fact I would never give birth. So I stared planning for a life without children. I mourned and I dreamed.
    The PCOS caused me to have excess body hair and acne, so not only could I not have what I longed for but I had to look like a hormonal pubescent boy as well, oh, there is also hormonal weight gain too so I was about 50 lbs overweight too.. Ick. So I took a a pill called ‘fertility bllend’ (you can find it online!) not on hopes of pregnancy but because it helped with my irregular periods and acne.
    So low and behold, the week after moving so far from anyone I knew…I was pregnant!!! My little girl arrived in April, not surrounded by family and love ones, but in a far off place where we knew no one. No baby showers, no mom or sisters to rub my belly. I felt so alone. We moved far away thinking we could not have children, so no need to hang near to family, we could just roam the earth just the two of us with out obligation…. Oops, we had that wrong. Things were difficult all that time I could not conceive, and also when finally I did. I don’t think I’ve been very greatful of things in the moment I have them. Always comparing and wishing. I am learning to pause, to accept, to calibrate the day. It’s hard when life does not meet expectations. I am happy though, and trying to learn from my past. My beautiful little girl turned 1 yesterday and I don’t want to continue my sad way of thinking. I want to be free of the expectations other people’s live cause me to have. I’ve got to make what I want of life. And I can be happy with whatever that is.
    I wish you all the best of luck as your life moves forward. Do your best to keep your joy alive.
    And no you are not crazy, you are dealing with a very difficult thing, and quite well!!!

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