L O V E C A T S! I just want to thank all of you who have reached out to me commenting, emailing, DMing me, telling me how my blog and writing about my life’s journey for all these years has helped or inspired you in any way or in so many different ways (in regards to my last post). You filled me up with a warmth and gratitude for this space that I didn’t know I was searching for. Perhaps I needed it more than I thought I did and I never anticipated the outreach that flooded in (and that I often get when I do share in that way). So thank you. I really needed it. You gave me hope in a time when maybe I was a little lost, confused, swirling in a possible mini depression and unsure which way to turn. So I thank you.
I’m still not sure what this space will become, maybe it will stay the same and evolve little by little, because that seems like a natural progression and the most obvious route in which I can envision it. I know this: I can’t give it up, I just won’t, it’s too much a part of me, and so are all of you now, and I still think about it all on a daily basis…
It’s just so odd to me how lately I keep myself from hitting the publish button on all my posts. I actually have plenty written, but as soon as I get to the place where it’s time to publish, I hit save instead and close it and work on something else (I’ve had to force myself to finish this one about 10 times)… and it’s odd to me, because I feel like the action is telling me that there must be someTHING holding me back, and I don’t know what it is…
I think it may very well lie somewhere in between the reality that I spent years and years not only talking/writing about my life here but also creating content for this space and thinking along the lines of THIS business… and now I spend more time thinking creatively about the new business (Dogwood Tavern), how to create content for it, and how to expand in ways that aren’t necessarily predicated on customers walking through the door. It’s fun and I love it, but it allows very little time for anything else.
But it’s still all so new for me, and maybe it’s just going to take a little time to settle into all of my new roles and yet again, I need a little patience to get over the awkward hump.
Realistically, if I’m going to continue in this space, most of it will probably revolve around my actual life now instead of a sort of magazine style compilation of posts on varying topics in which I find myself interested in. I’m creating actual content in my real life rather than stories to share, which is not to say that one is better than the other, but one is just real life happening in real time and the other is choice to prioritize contemplative creative thinking, writing, photographing, etc., and artistically expressing and sharing. It’s as if this space needs to become a hobby, a side hustle again, because my other business needs more of my attention on every level, 100 times a day, and that’s where my motivation and goal-drivin aspirations now lie, rather than here – which is so weird to say actually, but it’s also like, DUH? Why do I even question it all?
Maybe I’m thinking too far into it, as I tend to do, I can’t help it, but when I can’t seem to do something -like shoot outfits- and I can’t bring myself to publish the posts that I am writing, after nearly a decade of doing so rather eailsy, I have to ask myself WHY?
It’s possible that I focus too hard on figuring out the reason WHY I’m doing or not doing something because I somehow think that it (the reason WHY) holds the answer to move forward, when really, the constant search for why keeps me stuck right where I am. It may be the best procrastination excuse to keep me from doing the thing I know I want to do but am somehow afraid to do it.
So what’s the trick? The trick is to just do it. Stop thinking about doing it or not doing it and JUST DAMN DO IT.
When I’m working AT the bar, everything is happening in real time, in the moment. There is no time for thinking or pondering or even thinking about the business itself beyond running it in real time. It’s almost like driving a car on a road you’ve never taken, with boulders falling onto the road ahead of you and birds flying at your windshield while running from a tornado – in a rain and thunderstorm. There’s a constant problem to solve and an endless supply of people who want something from you, whether it’s a drink, something to eat, or to talk with you. There’s never a dull moment. There’s no time to be in your head because you’re always IN THE MOMENT.
The extrovert in me loves it. The introvert in me is drained and lifeless for quite a long time after a shift. When I finally regain consciousness and I’m away from the bar, I’m thinking about ways to innovate, to market, to strategize, to make it better, listening to customer feedback, corresponding, working on upcoming events, thinking about how to get everything and everyone running more effectively and efficiently, thinking about social media and photographing content to create for it and last week I finished the Dogwood website, which I’ll be blogging at a few times a week about business, the renovation, upcoming events, and anything else I can think of (and so as to keep that business there and this place a little more personal).
Where in the beginning months I had no choice but to work AT the bar, now I’m finally able to spend more time working ON the business while I’m away from the bar, because I can’t do both effectively, and I feel like I’m finding my pace and my place a little bit more now and able to think clearly about it all moving forward. I like that it finally feels like I’m making progress, I’ve realized that’s hugely important in not only my mood, my overall mental health, but my confidence levels with all that I am involved with. If I’m making progress on myself personally and on my work, then I am happy. If not, I feel chaotic, stressed and as if I’ve fallen behind and on a constant wheel to catch up.
BUT, regardless… knowing the WHY in this case (as in many cases) doesn’t change my situation. Having the answer now doesn’t make it any easier to hit publish because it doesn’t change my reality. The bottom line is that if I want to continue here, I have to work through all of these excuses that are now holding me back and JUST DO IT.
But before I JUST DO IT, I clearly have to talk about it ad nauseam, because sometimes you have to hear how silly your thoughts sound out loud OR in writing to finally just GET IT…
…so you can actually – JUST DO IT.
I get it. I think 😉