April has been a literal doozy of a month.
The rate at which I’m processing it all is hard to know. Am I even processing or am I holding on to things I can’t control? I’ve sat down to write and poured my heart out, began new ideas, got lost in others, but have had a hard time sharing much at all. As soon as I think about this space right now, I shut down and busy myself with something else. Lately, it’s been Game of Thrones.
I can’t tell if it’s burnout or stress or just the overall weight of my world right now that feels as if I’ll break if I speak and so I don’t. I fall asleep each night with a pain in my jaw that takes my breath away and brings me to tears. Days that have less to do with my house have less pain at night, so I know it’s related.
I am happy to say that I think the lump I found in my boob was nothing at all. It’s still there but the mammogram and ultrasound didn’t show anything at all and all the other tests I had to do based on my stress levels about it all came back normal as well. So that’s a relief… and though I still have a bit of a cough, my cold/flu has passed as well. Everyday life has resumed, but mentally I’m still in a fog.
I had to go and sign my escrow papers yesterday and I could tell it was harder than I was accepting due to how much I actually didn’t want to go do it and the amount of anxiety I felt as I was sitting there signing everything. I also dropped off an application for a rental house the same day… which was an odd feeling. I feel as though I’m taking a step back and just hope that it will plunge me 200 steps forward in a new and even better direction.
I’m not sure where I’m going. I don’t want to go back to where I’ve been. I want to know that everything will be okay… better than okay… better than ever. But as much as I’m repeating that mantra in my head lately, I think my subconscious is having a hard time believing it.
More scared than I realize I think because as soon as I just typed that, my face contorted and tears began to fall. And then instead of pushing through it, my immediate reaction is to run… I want to hide under the covers and get lost in Game of Thrones so I don’t have to think about any of it.
I’m pushing through, doing what I have to do, going through the motions…
But the truth is… I’m really scared.