I began writing a #MondayMotivation post but couldn’t get motivated. Even I need inspiration now and again and though I did watch a few thrilling TedX talks to help motivate, everything I wrote just sounded contrived and even forced.
I’m so inconsistent lately, and I hate it. Overwhelmed by the scale of some things, underwhelmed by the scale of others, and oftentimes too busy to prioritize the things I love the most, including writing and sharing here. And then sometimes the over and under whelm is so strong, I just shut down and need a reboot.
I tell you, when my head is in a fog, I drop the things that help me the most like eating well, sleeping well, writing, getting creative, working, meditating, stretching, walking, ALL OF IT. All the good stuff I love so much, the self care goes out the window and my dark rebellious side knocks on the door and I let her in. I don’t like her, but I love her; we have a love/hate relationship.
I only allow her to stay for a few days before I get fed up and kick her out, usually with a burst of determination and to-do lists ready to be checked off. Lately though, my aggressive motivation and passion for doing all the things has a much shorter life span than in the past … but Why?
* Is it a confidence thing?
* Is it an identity thing?
* Is it truly that I just can’t do ALL THE THINGS, thing?
* Is my capacity to run the inner workings of a bar/restaurant AND blog everyday AND create content AND do all the social media just too much to ask one person? (I cannot answer this with a YES, even if it’s true, I cannot admit it).
Is it just that I don’t have the passion that I once did to fuel the hours of work it takes to accomplish all the things anymore?
* Did I get let down by high expectations?
* Am I living in the past?
* Am I confused about my future?
* Am I depressed?
* Am I struggling more than I think I am?
* Am I focusing my energy in the wrong direction?
* Am I not prioritizing my time as I used to?
* Am I just burnt out?
* Is that a real thing?
I . DON’T . KNOW .
Is it D. All of the above?
A few things I do know…
1. As soon as I feel a little certainty, maybe even possibly a little settled, all shit breaks loose …(is that the right terminology?)
2. As soon as I think I’ve got a handle on it (it being anything) I sure as shit realize that I do not have any handles.
3. Things in business are going quite well – or should I say, well enough, because it’s scary to say and hard to tell when all the other things have seemingly gone to shit in a hand basket (is it hell in a handbasekt?)
4. I’m definitely not getting any of these sayings correct, BUT it’s making me giggle, so that’s a bonus.
5. I oftentimes take life far too seriously, get caught up in shoulds and what’s right and being responsible or scared I’m not being responsible and completely forget to have any fun… because fun would equally mean “irresponsible” when I fear I’m not living up to my potential. Make sense? Cool.
6. I have a billion things to sell (including but not limited to my now ex-husband’s entire existence of shit he left behind nearly 3 years ago now) I simply DO NOT want to do it. But I have to. But I don’t want to… but I have to.
6. B. I also have a shit load of stuff from my own collection and closet to sell but I don’t want to do that either … it’s just all so much work to photograph and list and write up and answer questions and then ship and then feedback, it’s just so much extra work I want to hire someone to do it, but I also don’t want to hire someone. You see my dilemma?
7. Other than the cold I’ve had for nearly a month, I’m healthy (I hope) and my dogs are too (I hope).
8. I’m afraid to say anything is that great because I have a major fear that once I declare anything IS – it immediately ISN’T.
9. I watched the entire first season of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and it’s fantastic. If you’re a woman, watch it. If you’re a man, you’ll probably find zero interest in it. I think I’ll watch it again… it’s inspiring. and well written, well acted, funny, and consistently great. and the COSTUMES@
10. Despite my sarcastic attitude (at the moment) I am extremely grateful for all the things, even the not so good ones, because I know that I have to trust my struggle, even when I don’t understand it, because good things come from it.
One thing I do know for sure (but oftentimes need a reminder myself) and I know it’s cliche but trust your struggle. In retrospect you’ll see the truth. Why not at least learn to lean on it now and go with the flow? I’m not sure… but I think it could make everything a little easier. #perspective #notetoself #imfeelingbetteralready #nowifIcouldjustbeCONSISTENT