What I’m Wearing…
* Pink Floyd t-shirt (men’s small)… also seen here
* Plaid pants by Rebecca Minkoff… also seen here and here dressed up
* Oversized denim trucker jacket
* Saint Laurent Sunglasses
* Old Skool Vans
* Marc Jacobs pillow bag
* Title: Harry Styles – Golden… heard this song for the millionth time while I was working on this post, but in a completely new way that really hit… “stay gold” means to be true to yourself – be golden always. When I’m not being true to myself my entire being tries to tell me. If I don’t listen to my intuition, which has been thrown off kilter in the last few years, my body starts telling me. ALSO SEE: Cognitive dissonance
It’s finally spring, the warm and sunny days I’ve been waiting for, longingly looking forward to for months, finally here… and I’ve been in a total funk for almost two weeks now.
Whenever I’m a little absent or MIA on my blog and social it’s usually due to some “funk” I’m finding myself in and then I get mad at myself for being inconsistent and then proceed to have countless battles in my head wondering WHYYYYY and looking for answers that I rarely ever find… and then eventually I fall out of the funk and back into myself and begin again, assuming I just needed a break or a little time to myself.
But the other night I dug a little deeper and realized the actual reason why I go MIA and stop sharing almost entirely during my funks is because I generally do not share about the funky times or the messy days and hard relationships (until later) and so writing about anything else during those times feels like a lie, a total betrayal to you and to myself and so I just get silent and wait it out.
Sure I could come up with random and impersonal posts and continue to share but I lack the motivation and creativity to do so because in these “funks” I’m also completely drained energetically and am just grasping at anything to build myself back up. I’d call them mini depressions however, they’re always linked to actual events or circumstances in my life and don’t just pop up out of nowhere. And even though I do share a lot, I don’t always and really never have shared everything about my life, even though it feels like I might.
March tends to be a tricky month for me, with my father’s death anniversary on the first, it always starts out on a sort of low note. March also marks the three months until my birthday wherein I begin evaluating my year prior, thinking about all the ways I’ve settled, all the goals I haven’t pursued and things I haven’t accomplished and all the things that got in the way. I don’t like making excuses or blaming others or circumstances, but COVID kind of really shook things up for everyone, but it wasn’t the only culprit. With all the reflection that swirls, March always reveals where and how I am not being true to myself and forces me to pay attention to signs I’ve either been avoiding or denying and the inner micro war between my head and my heart plays out through all the emotions until I level out again.
I finally had to just zombie through it… force myself to get dressed… run the errands… shoot the photos… get to my office… do the work… even if I don’t get much done, the act of just doing it, going through the motions, breaks the stunted stuck pattern, clears the emotional smog, changes my perspective… and you know what? It worked.
Happy Thursday Lovecats!
* Find all my Style Posts here