What I’m Wearing…
* Vintage cashmere mock turtleneck sweater (I’ve had for years) I think it’s D&G actually 🤔
* Two-tone denim Lee Jeans… Lee sent me these a few years ago (these are a similar and more flattering pair maybe, but also more pricey) and I’m just wearing them for the first time now. Jean styles are flip flopping right now, so I’m trying new fits, and I don’t love these, but cuffing them made them a bit more flattering and to my style. I think jeans are going to be heading out for a while since other than leggings, we haven’t really had trending “pants” that weren’t jeans for ages, I mean, maybe since the ’90s, and I’m loving baggier styles (and have been wanting to get back to that look for a while now) and seeing a bit of ’90s relaxed chinos return as well as cargos, but interested in seeing what’s really going to be the next “IT Pant” because I’m feeling jeans aren’t IT. – More options in the shopping widgets below
* Vintage sunglasses
* Faux leather bomber jacket by Obey
* Dr Martens Serena boots
* The Marc Jacobs bag… itching to retire this baby too.
* Title: Halsey – Haunting
I shot this look on February 16th, before the storm, on a Thursday, which I specifically remember because it was Farmer’s Market day, in other words, YOGURT DAY, and while waiting in line for my beloved Bonjour yogurt, Michelle appeared, just in time to let me know a storm was coming, and so I stocked up thinking running out of yogurt was going to be my biggest problem of the storm… little did I know.
I look at myself in these photos wishing I could go back in time and tell her what was to come, but I wonder if it would have made a difference?
I still wouldn’t have wanted to leave my house and go back to my past life and stay at my old house with Chad (to state that our relationship is complicated would be putting it lightly) and so I’m not sure I’d trust the forecast even when it warned of a “blizzard”. I just don’t think I was processing it in a way that I should have been I guess. I wasn’t afraid or anxious about the coming storm, as I rarely am more than just a bit annoyed that I wouldn’t be seeing the sun for a few days. Anyway, I’ve written about it enough I supposed but looking at the photos, I don’t even really see a lightness in my mood to suggest that this darkness I’m sitting in lately wasn’t already there, lingering in my brain, because maybe i’ve just been distracting myself from it all, stepping back into my past over and over again instead of runningfull speed ahead into my future, like I had hoped I would by now.
And then the storm eventually forced me into my past and then became the biggest distraction of all, lasting the entire month of March… with tears and confusion and two more much smaller storms to boot.
With April here, now, I feel like the trauma of it has fizzled a little, which is good, but I am still a bit on edge I think. I realized the survival-mode-fight or flight level my nervous system was cranked up to day in and day out felt the same as it did before I moved here… and now that I’ve been living by myself for the last 5 months, it has regulated to what feels like a balanced and calm normal (for me) and because of that awareness, I can feel it rise and fall much more quickly now. It’s as if I had to put myself into a calm environment that I also had full control of to be able to sense my own peace and balance out to a level that felt healthy again.
I’m not sure how else to describe it… but when the storm came, all the peace and balance and calm left again and I was back into my dysregulated past self in a real sense of actual survival. It was interesting to compare the mental and physical state I found myself and my body in for years to the calm I created living alone and how it returned in a true sense of physical survival… which just proves that your brain cannot recognize the difference between the two.
I’ve not quite settled back into my full self-ness as of yet and am in my head a lot… worrying about a lot of things at the moment. Forcing myself back into my routine (that was working really well pre-storm) has been challenging but I can see each baby step moves me closer to where I ultimately want to be… at peace, but also thriving… and I haven’t felt either of those for a very long time. I hope by the end of April, I’ll be singing a different tune.
Happy Monday Lovecats!
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