I fear the fear returning to cause the anxious feelings I fear the most

I went to my doctor yesterday for a general checkup and to let him know that I’d been feeling anxious again. And after waiting about 10 minutes in the tiny room for my doctor whom I haven’t seen since 2005, he walks in, and sits down with his laptop.

First let me note that “waiting” is the number one cause of anxiety for me. Waiting in line – Waiting in traffic – Waiting Waiting Waiting Waiting. WAITING.

DOC: Hey Maegan. So, what brings you in here today?

ME: Well, a few things. I have been feeling very anxious lately …in fact, just waiting in here has got me a bit anxious right now.

DOC: What’s so scary?

ME: I’m not sure …I think mostly, the fear of the anxiousness causing me to feel like everything is really fast inside and subsequently becoming crazy because of it.

DOC: nodding, staring at his laptop

DOC: …and what’s with the ankle?

ME: Well, it hurts and it’s swollen {taking off my boots}

DOC: Stand up and walk so I can see …yeah, it looks like your foot is turning in and straining your tendons …I’ll send you to a podiatrist to get a special insert for your shoes.

ME: Um, when I wear heels it doesn’t hurt because it gives me that arch that I don’t have {thinking how the EFF am I going to fit a massive “insert” into my effing heels/boots, which I wear more than anything else?} …”Okay”, I respond.

. . . . . . . .

DOC: So it looks like you were on Efexxor …are you still?

ME: No, I only took it for a year and have been off of it since 2004

ME: I was really okay until recently … we started trying to get pregnant in 2007 and still nothing …and then with the birth of my niece …I think it was originally depression that has now turned into anxiety

DOC: It was just the catalyst …looking at his laptop

DOC: Your name is different …did you get married?

ME: Yes ..in 2006

DOC: What does your husband do?

ME: . . . . ummmmm, actually, he owns and operates 2 medical marijuana dispensaries. {your welcome for that, internet}

DOC: So then he must be worried about what the city council decides.

ME: YES. He is worried daily

DOC: So why don’t you just use medical marijuana for your anxiety?

ME: Well I was …it helped me quit smoking cigarettes. But at the moment it is sort of making me MORE anxious and giving me that sped up feeling inside …almost creating a panic attack

DOC: Yeah, that’s what many people say

DOC: Okay so I’m going to put you on Wellbutrin and Zoloft

ME: What about more of an “as needed” medication like Xanax or Klonopin?

DOC: Those will just cause more depression {making a face}

ME: But I’ve scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist next week.

DOC: Great, you can tell her how it’s working for you

ME: staring.

DOC: Ya know, 50% of people who go off their meds go back on …and if they go off again, 95% go back on

ME: So I can be on it for the rest of my life?

DOC: Yes, it’s like any other condition. If you had a thyroid problem, you’d take your medicine to control it. This is the same. You have a serotonin problem and the medicine will just give you what you’re lacking.

ME: And what if I DO get pregnant while I’m on them?

DOC: You can just stay on them. Stress and anxiety while pregnant is worse for the baby than any of this.

ME: sigh* I’m REALLY sensitive to medication. Like REALLY.

DOC: I’m giving you a low dose …half

ME: . . . . . . okay

Accepting my fate, later on that evening husband and I went to pick up my prescriptions and I decided to take a Wellbutrin thinking it was the lesser of the two. I mean, people get prescribed Wellbutrin to quit smoking cigarettes …what’s the harm?

Around 2am I woke up on the couch in a sweat and a PANIC! I went upstairs {leaving husband peacefully asleep on said couch} and it took me about 45 minutes to calm down and over an our to fall back to sleep. I woke up again and seriously had SWEAT the entire bed. I was wearing leggings and they were soaked …down to my ankles, and a t-shirt I had to peel off my body. I mean WTF? …now, don’t get me wrong, I have been known to “sweat the bed” {especially when I was on Efexxor now, thinking back} but NEVER to that extent. EVER. And on top of it, I felt like I couldn’t get warm.

This morning I had about 15 minutes while still lying in bed that I felt okay then JITTERS. And I mean JITTERS like I had about TEN CUPS OF COFFEE JITTERS …and I was drinking herb tea with no caffeine. I couldn’t even eat my english muffin. I also had dry mouth, scratchy throat, and a weird tingling sensation in my right hand -first and middle fingers and palm mostly.

I got a bit scared and felt like I needed a good cry …but nothing. I couldn’t cry.

I called the doctor and gave the desk girl {for lack of better title} all of my symptoms and she said she’d have the doc call me back. Of course he hasn’t and I do feel much better now. A bit of dry mouth and tiny jitters left …but mostly just a weird feeling under my skin.

I’m pretty sure I won’t be taking that little white pill of torture again. As for the Zoloft, I guess I should have tried that one first {or just taken both like the doctor said} because now I’m scared to take anything at all. UGH.

What a day. What a nightmare. Why can’t I just be fearless like I was in my early 20’s?

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LA native & lifestyle blogger Maegan Tintari writes daily at ...love Maegan.com sharing beauty & style secrets, including fashion DIYs, how-to nail art manicures, hair tutorials, recipes & home decorating ideas, as well as a look into her personal life, her journey & battle with infertility & recent relocation to the mountains by a lake in search of a better life with her adorable French Bulldog brothers, Trevor and Randy.

114 Comments

  • Stephanie

    December 10, 2009 |

    You are courageous for telling this story. I’m so encouraged when people can talk about their mental health just like people talk about other health problems. You have nothing to lose by trying out what the doctor suggested. And if that isn’t working, it will only be temporary and you can figure out a different plan.

  • Anonymous

    December 10, 2009 |

    Your doctor seems a little… insensitive. I wish he told you that for some people, they learn to handle their problems and get off the medication.

  • Leesa

    December 10, 2009 |

    Wow, Maegan… That sounds awful!! I’m really sorry you had to go through all of that… I can understand, being familiar to panic attacks but not on that same level, so I can only imagine!!
    I wonder if the fact that it’s your first time back on meds in a year… b/c you mentioned you are really sensitive to medications, maybe it is your body’s reaction to the meds… I hope you get things straightened out and you get some peace… I know it can be very scary.. esp. when your heart is racing and you feel so much panic.. Like you are going to stay at that level and not come back down…
    Thanks for keeping us posted and I am sending you good energy and good vibes…
    Love and healing to you!
    Namaste,
    Leesa

  • katy

    December 10, 2009 |

    my best friend was just prescribed Wellbutrin a few weeks ago and he went through exactly what you’ve described for about the first week. jitters, inability to stay still, loss of focus/attention, etc. but after about a week, everything leveled out and he is super happy with how the medication is working now. his anxiety & depression have lessened enormously and his mood has lifted quite a bit.

    anywhoo, just thought another persons experience might help with the decisions you have to make. good luck!!

  • Brooke

    December 10, 2009 |

    I’ve watched someone very close to me go through this-depression, anxiety, and panic attacks so bad that they eventually transformed into full-blown paranoia. He took Wellbutrin for awhile and had pretty good results. Now, he’s on Lexapro (as are some other family members). Ugh. I hate depression/anxiety. I get anxiety and panic attacks just thinking about someone else’s anxiety. I really hope you find something that works 🙂

  • Violet

    December 10, 2009 |

    wow… thats sounds like the most nerve racking thing. i hope you get what you need in prescription because thats bad

    i admire your bravery for writing this. i always enjoy your stories honestly Maegan

    XX
    Vi from Cali

  • Patni

    December 10, 2009 |

    I have had anxiety just like yours for years. I went years with only a few hours sleep a night. I did every thing that I could do to control it without medication. Finally I gave in and said i would try. I also have awful side effects to medication so my doctor sent me to a psycho pharm specialist. We worked together and worked up from a quarter of the smallest dose to a full dose over 6 months, which kept the side effects in control.It worked Like magic. once my body was used to it. I can now deal with things with out the awful panic and fear. I do not feel at all drugged. I really feel that it cured my problem, which was lack of serotonin.

  • Patni

    December 10, 2009 |

    There are also lots of options, and if one doesn’t work, another will. But i really suggest a psycho pharm specialist who really knows about drugs.

  • Megan

    December 10, 2009 |

    Hi Maegan,

    I just wanted to tell you that as a fellow “sensitive to medication” type person, I know what it feels like to wake up in terror for no apparent reason. I hope that you find some relief, because you seem like a lovely person and I truly enjoy reading your blog and seeing your gorgeous outfit posts, and no person deserves to feel as poorly as it sounds like you do.

    Best wishes,

    Megan

  • ~ Kelly Ann ♥

    December 10, 2009 |

    Oh that sounds awful- Hope you feel better soon-
    Not sure if this will help but get this book- it’s amazing trust me. Take care- take it easy ok-

    http://kellyannstudio.blogspot.com/2009/10/get-this-book-breakthrough-eight-steps.html

  • Soma

    December 10, 2009 |

    I’m so sorry, this sounds absolutely terrible! You can’t be as fearless as you were in your 20’s cuz you realize how much your life is worth. I hope you can find something that works for you!

  • ~Mrs. Guru~

    December 10, 2009 |

    I am so sorry. Glad you are feeling a little better.

  • Jennifer

    December 10, 2009 |

    I’m so sorry you are going through that…sending hugs and good thoughts your way! xo

  • josephine

    December 10, 2009 |

    well doesn’t he just have GREAT bedside manner? So sorry about all of your trauma! Hopefully everything will get worked out. I’m not a huge believer in “alternative medicines,” but maybe you would benefit from something along those lines since you are so sensitive? Good luck with everything!!

  • Mommy In Pink

    December 10, 2009 |

    Wow…that sounds scary! I wish you the absolute best though, haven’t stopped by in a while, life has been crazy!

    Take care!

  • Kyla

    December 10, 2009 |

    I’m so sorry that you have to deal with something like this. I can’t imagine the frustration. I hope that you find some peace through another avenue. Hopefully, a more holistic avenue. Hang in there…

  • acase

    December 10, 2009 |

    You NEED to listen to your doctor. Anti-depressants (especially the SSRI’s) can really make you feel strange for a while. I am on Zoloft for anxiety and depression and I felt crazy for a few weeks, but I settled and it does way more good than harm. I would listen to your doctor (regardless of his communication style). You can really put yourself in a bad situation when you take the meds, then get off them, take them and get off them. Just make the decision and stick to it. Happy, relaxed, calm, clearly thinking but with a couple weeks of “sweating the bed” and feeling out of sorts > or being anxious, upset, worried, and mentally sick.

  • MacBerger

    December 10, 2009 |

    I really enjoy your blog. I also have anxiety. It can take time to find the right treatment. Breathe deeply and trust yourself

  • two yrs med free

    December 10, 2009 |

    As someone who has suffered from anxiety, I agree 1000% with MacBerger. Trust. Your. Self. Drugs are not for everyone. I was on Xanax until my doctor told me no more. And another doctor gave me Zoloft. It made me feel weird and dizzy for the first 2 days. I stopped taking it even though you’re not supposed to. I decided to go w/my instincts because I did not feel safe on that medication. For some people a holistic solution will work. It can be hard to sit and meditate, do yoga or tai chi, etc… but it really changed my life. I haven’t been on anything for the past 2 years after committed daily to a tai chi DVD. Best $20 I ever spent. Oh — this is coming from someone who has visited the ER for panic attacks, so I feel ya. Good luck.

  • anhesty

    December 10, 2009 |

    i hope that you do find the right meds for you. i would be scared too. glad you are doing better.

  • Rasha @ and this is what she said...

    December 10, 2009 |

    Thats scary. 🙁 I hope things work out darling.

  • Lawgirl

    December 10, 2009 |

    Maegan,

    What a horrible experience!!

    I know that you are familiar with your doctor and that probably staves off some of the anxiety about going to the doctor in general, but you don’t have to put up with that kind of treatment from anyone. I hope that you will explore another doctor. Sometimes you have to go through a few before you find the right one.

    Furthermore, to those of you who think you “can just deal with your problems and get off of meds”, this is a *chemical* issue for most of us. You wouldn’t tell someone with a bad thyroid or diabetes to just get off of their meds would you? Be a little more sensitive!

  • erin

    December 10, 2009 |

    just know that oftentimes people experience some side effects in the beginning (i did) and they completely dissapeared after two weeks. during those two weeks i took xanax whenever the anxiety was bad.

    sometimes the anxiety gets worse initially on meds, and then gets better. stay strong!

    OH & and it is SO FUCKING COOL that your husband owns dispensaries!! SO RAD. lol. i have some friends that work at some in LA, wonder if they know him. crazyy.

    good luck!

  • Lizzy

    December 10, 2009 |

    I had a similar experience when I started taking Pristiq (an SNRI). For about a week, I was anxious and jittery, had crazy heart palpitations and horrible dreams. My psychiatrist encouraged me to ride it out….and sure enough, within about a week, my body had adjusted to the meds and I felt good. Really good.

    Often it’s not enough to just “learn to deal with your problems” (thanks anonymous). Therapy can be wonderful and give you strategies to help control the anxiety, but medication can get you to a place where you can actually think clearly and implement those strategies effectively.

    Good luck.

  • R.C.

    December 10, 2009 |

    Oh my dear! I am by no means any kind of doctor, but somehow I’m not quite sure the idea of that medication necissarily being the right choice for you! I’m not sure when you are so sensitive that you should be shaking and have cotton mouth! Strange! I don’t know how any of this stuff works but would you ever consider an alternitive “herbal medicine”?

    I know a lot of people have a weirded out view on it and all but it saved my boyfriends dad’s life. He avoided chemo and all sorts of surgeries just from altering his diet/lifestyle a bit. Please don’t take this as me being ignorant, I really don’t know how this stuff works…

    I used to get anxiety attacks though and the only thing that would really help me was inhaling deep deep breaths of lavender. Baths, pillow sprays… it will at least maybe help to calm your nerves a bit.

    I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this 🙁 My thoughts are with you and I’m sending positive vibes your way!!! Good luck lady!

  • Heather

    December 10, 2009 |

    I’m sorry you are going through this right now. While my anxiety gives me different symptoms, I too feel like sometimes it’s a battle. I’ve never been officially diagnosed or prescribed any medication because I don’t want to be. So, I can relate to you again on that subject.

    Most of the time I’m fine, but I have flare ups. And then most of my anxiety and panic attacks come from worrying about having a panic attack. It’s a terrible cycle!

    My anxiety makes me physically sick to my stomach. So, one thing I do is take Dramamine when I’m having an attack. It makes the nausea go away, and it makes me drowsy so I can fall asleep. (Dramamine is OTC.)

    When it’s really bad, in the past I have taken Xanax – HALF a Xanax. And I hate to admit it, but I liked it. It made me feel calm and relaxed without that over medicated jittery drugged feeling. (I am also VERY sensitive to medication!)

    I know that there are people who truly need anti-depressants and such, but I really believe they are over prescribed. It’s a quick fix without really solving the “problem”.

    Trust your self.

    Something also that helped me a little was to really understand the physical effect my anxiety was having on my body. That way, I understood what was going on and the physical symptoms weren’t so scary. It was one less thing for me to get anxious about.

    Another positive with being able to combat my anxiety with OTC nausea medication: it’s a lot safer to take while pregnant. Anxiety meds do have their risks. But pregnant women are prescribed nausea meds regularly to combat severe morning sickness.

    I know you have tons of readers, but let me know if you ever want to talk.

  • Emily Rebecca

    December 10, 2009 |

    Maegan!

    I’m so sorry to hear this! I too have had my share of anxiety this year and my doc prescribed me Ativan which I take on an axiety overload basis, not everyday. From the conversation I read that you had with your doctor, he is not a good listener and I cannot believe he has so lightly suggested you take medication for the rest of time. I don’t want this to come across wrong but please see another doctor, I just think there is another way. I’m sorry if this comes out wrong but as someone who has suffered from anxiety for many years I have found a good solution for me through my wonderful doctor. I also think female doctors in my opinion are more apt to understand such things too. Take care!!!

  • The Socialite

    December 10, 2009 |

    I feel your frustration! Why is it some people always think you’re being dramatic about being sensitive to medication?! They always just lump us into a group instead of treating us as individuals and dealing with our issues. We’re all different and react differently to medications and treatments. I’m sorry to hear about your anxiety and hope you feel better soon or find an effective way to keep it under control. Wishing you much needed R&R! 🙂

  • Tara Alexander

    December 10, 2009 |

    Hi Maegan,
    I too suffer from anxiety and mild depression. When I was in highschool I took effexor, but didn’t really feel a significant difference and decided I would rather be med-free. I am now a senior in college and anxiety has been a huge struggle for me especially being a student and the constant stress of classes. I finally broke down a few months ago and saw a school counselor who advised me to look into homeopathic solutions. I researched diet and exercise regimens for people who suffer from anxiety and depression and found alot of reccomendations for Veganism. I decided to try it and have been vegan for about 3 months now. It has completely changed my life! While difficult at first, I have felt a huge change and while controversial I do think that the hormones in animal products did have an adverse affect on me. This is not a peta psa or anything because i still wear my leather and suede, but I would encourge anyone who suffers from anxiety/depression to try veganism because it has really helped me.

  • amy

    December 10, 2009 |

    I have been going through the very same thing Meagan. I was on Wellbutrin for a few months a year or so ago and it never did get better for me so I stopped taking them. They have more of a stimulant effect if anything.

    Recently I went to the doc as my symptoms have been worse lately. I have come to the conclusion that taking medication HAS to be better than the way that I am feeling right now.

    He gave me a script for ativan and effexor. I just started the effexor today so no news yet.
    I feel for you and know exactly how you feel and what you are going through.
    I have written a bit about it on my blog too and I do find that it helps to get it out in the open.

    Big hug,
    amy

  • jennine

    December 10, 2009 |

    ug… i hate gp’s that just dole out meds like that. they all think they can do it, but it’s not how it works, well supposed to anyway. i had a similar expereince which scared me off of meds for a long time, and a very uncomfortable long time, because i probably should have been on them.

    the last time i went on, i had been seeing a therapist for a few months, who recommended a good psychiastrist, who i went in for an evaluation. he explained all the options, and noted that for many people it’s hit or miss and that sometimes we need to try several types and doses to find the right amount. and we had regular check ups, and the first ones didn’t work or the second ones, but we did find a solution, and it really helped alot.

    i ended up going off them about a year ago sometimes i think i should be on them, but then again, it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be.

  • nic

    December 10, 2009 |

    I feel for you. I will be praying for you – I can’t imagine what you must be going through.

  • ALWP

    December 10, 2009 |

    I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s a monster. Your description of the panic is exactly how I felt/feel. During the last year, through a combination of Zoloft (for depression, anxiety, OCD), Ambien CR (sleep) and Cognitive Behavior Therapy, I’ve been able to develop some resources for managing the anxiety. It certainly hasn’t gone away, but it’s given me some confidence that it won’t overtake my life again. Hopefully through everyone else’s experiences you can decide what is the right course of action for you. I hope you can find some peace.

  • Snarky A.

    December 10, 2009 |

    I’m so sorry you had such a terrible reaction to the medication! I also take Wellbutrin, and when I started on it, my Dr. said I could feel worse while my body adjusted to it. After a 1-2 weeks or so my anxiety started to calm down and I felt much better.
    You are so brave! Keep pushing on, until you find some relief. You deserve to feel good!

  • Courtney

    December 10, 2009 |

    Maegan, I’m sorry to hear about this bout; it sounds very frustrating, for lack of a better descriptor.

    I hope your nerves, anxiety, and fears plateau in so that you are able to enjoy some relaxation and peace for your wellbeing.

    My thoughts are with you, girl. All the best!

    Xo.

    Courtney

  • Snarky A.

    December 10, 2009 |

    And btw, I also take Ativan as needed (a lot of anxiety around here since my husband was diagnosed with cancer early this year), which has helped me tremendously! Maybe that would help you as well?

  • CalamityJem

    December 10, 2009 |

    Big Pharma is laughing all the way to the bank with doctors like him around! It’s totally effed up that the only thing some doctors seem to be able to do nowadays is to reach for their beloved prescription pad (they must be on commission or something) before even establishing what the real problem is, never mind any underlying problems. In my humble opinion it’s those pesky problems that you have to identify in order to really get to grips with what’s making you feel out of kilter & below par. As someone who has suffered with anxiety & depression in the past, I think it’s a really good thing that you are going to see a psychiatrist. I was prescribed SSRIs but I felt that after an initial positive boost in my mood they just anchored me in a perpetual disposition of world-weariness, I started to feel like an automaton & that my life was just an impossible impasse. Luckily after many “pester” visits to my doctor he (at long last) referred me to a psychiatrist for cognitive–analytic therapy. A lot of the time mental health issues are so tangled up & twisted it’s hard to get a proper grip on them & sometimes just understanding why you feel or react in a certain way, can poke a whole lot of holes in a seemingly cloud covered sky. For me cognitive–analytic therapy was the answer & at least in parts the cure. Don’t get me wrong I still occasionally stumble & relapse but thankfully now I have much better “tools” to deal with it & most importantly a better understanding of how to get out of the depressed-thinking trap. Another thing that has really helped me tackle anxiety especially since stopping the SSRIs is exercise or exorcise, as I like to call it…there really is no better boredom banisher & natural mood improver. I wish you well my dear & I hope you will feel better soon! Take care, JEM…xXx

  • sarah

    December 10, 2009 |

    Oh Maegan I have so been there! My first trial with an anti anxiety/depression drug was 10 mg of Lorazepam and I thought I had floated through my mind to a different world all the while my boyfriend wondering how to help me as I sweat and freaked out but couldn’t cry or anything. That was the first and last pill I took. In my early 20’s I would have kept that whole bottle to get high with – I threw it away immediately. I always wonder what the moment was where everything “changed” and I became so cautious. I told my doc the next day how the Lorazepam affected me and he prescribed me 20 mgs of citalopram (Celexa). Only side effect was extreme tiredness for the first couple weeks. I take it about 3 hours before bed now and it honestly has been great – I can maybe recount 1 panic attack since I started using it, and it happened while I was “waiting” to see my doc, lol. I thought I was in a place where I was just gonna keep falling and no one would be able to help me – and yes, I should have also seeked therapy in addition to the drugs but I really do feel like my “old self” in so many ways. Good luck Maegan I am rooting for you!

  • Farrielle Design and Fashionista

    December 10, 2009 |

    I am impressed of you being so sincere telling your story. Only thing that got me better was praying. I kinda got depressed right after 9/11 my youngest one was not even 2 months old. But it is through prayer and really being positive. I hope you feel better soon, I am praying for you:)

  • Danielle

    December 10, 2009 |

    I’m so sorry you are going through that. Trust your self. Be strong, fight for yourself, hang in there, everything ends well, if its not right now, is because its not over yet. And always think positive…
    I’m a huge fan from Brazil, and i hope you’ll get well soon. My thoughts are with you…

    XO
    Danielle – São Paulo – Brazil!

  • Anonymous

    December 10, 2009 |

    I haven’t had the chance to read all the comments on this post, so I’m sure I’m repeating some of what’s already been said.

    Anyway, I can totally relate. I’m not a big proponent of drugs and I’m not hugely excited that I’m on an anti-anxiety med myself, especially when I think about needing to take it during pregnancy. That being said, medications can work well if you give them a chance.

    I went through something very similar to what you’re describing when I first started taking Lexapro. Lexapro, like Wellbutrin, seems to be one of the best tolerated drugs from what I’ve heard. Even so, the first night I took it (which was the night after I had an anxiety attack for the first time in my life), my symptoms actually got much worse.

    I was nauseous and actually couldn’t eat regularly for several days after. I even threw up a couple of times early in the morning. I had the same tingling feeling you’re talking about — it was in all of my limbs. I knew it was related to the anxiety but when I called the doctor on call, she told me to go to the ER in case it was something else. (She was suspicious about the tingling and vomiting.) At the hospital, they told me nothing was wrong except for the anxiety.

    After that initial terror, which happened over the weekend, I was able to get an appt. with my doctor again. He prescribed Xanax for when I absolutely needed it (I was only taking half a pill, and I only took about 6 doses total), a sleeping medication, a stomach medication, a beta blocker (I have a benign heart arrhythmia that is cyclical with my anxiety and makes it worse) and of course the Lexapro. I was taking that cocktail, gradually weaning myself down over the course of about two weeks. Maybe what you need is some symptom relief that will give your medication time to kick in and balance out. I hated being on so many pills, but it lasted a very short time and really got me over the hump.

    My doctor tried to tell me that the Lexapro couldn’t have been what caused my symptoms to worsen and that it was all a part of my natural anxiety, but I know it wasn’t. I’ve spoken to a therapist who volunteered the information that it is common for anti-anxiety pills to have that effect at first. And I know first hand that I’m personally sensitive to hormone treatments because I had issues when I first started taking birth control (morning sickness, etc.) Regardless of what my doctor believed about the medication, he got me through the rough patch by treating my symptoms, and now I’m on a regular, low dose of Lexapro (only). I take the beta blocker as needed when my heart arrhythmia acts up, but that’s very rare. I had hoped to be off the medication altogether by now (I started taking it about a year ago), but it looks like I’m going to need it through this summer to get me through the most stressful semester of my MBA program. Once I’ve graduated, I’ll try and wean myself off of it. Maybe you could have a similar plan, using the medication until you feel like you’ve resolved the issues that are causing most of your anxiety. It’s likely that you and I both will have to deal with anxiety for the rest of our lives, but I bet you’ll be able to go off meds long enough to have a clean pregnancy once you’re in a better place.

    I hope some of that is helpful! For me, it’s crazy to read about someone going through a situation so similar to what I experienced. When you’re in it, it feels like you’re the only crazy one who’s ever had this problem. Good to know it’s not true. 🙂

  • Summer

    December 10, 2009 |

    OMG….I wish we could talk….I want to tell you my story, which sounds SO similar to yours.

    hated Welbutrin. Hated Zoloft. Had the same symptoms with Zoloft…

    Lexapro is the only one that didn’t make me feel different or weird.

    And xanax….ask your Pdoc about that, but it’s withdrawls actually can cause anxiety. How dumb is that?

    if you get a chance….email me….I’m so so so here for ya woman.

  • Summer

    December 10, 2009 |

    P.S.

    Get The Anxiety Cure by Dr. Archibald Hart.

    Amazing.

  • Maki

    December 10, 2009 |

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • Ela

    December 10, 2009 |

    Maegan this sounds awful. What a nightmare. Glad you feel better. I hope you get some good rest tonight and hear from your Dr. tomorrow with a solution that’s right for you. If it doesn’t feel right, go with your gut – it’ll hardly ever let you down. Wishing you well and hoping this all gets sorted out very soon.

  • Mariafer

    December 10, 2009 |

    Hi my dear friend, it really makes me sad to know you are going through that…But please be positive and try to focus in the good things I’m sure God has big ones coming your way. My son who now is 21 was on zoloft and other more heavy ones when he was around 17 and was hell for him, it was our worst nightmare… Don’t take it if you can everything is in your mind…
    Have you tried guided meditation? It helped me a lot, I know it is different for every person…I admire your courage to talk about it….I’m here for you
    Love
    Mariafer

  • Maki

    December 10, 2009 |

    Oh Maegan….

    I know all about anxiety and how it can affect people emotionally and physically. You know that JT was addicted xanax. He was taking them when we found out that I was pregnant with Ju Ju. He cold turkey once and had seizures. He couldn’t quit, he was on and off for three years. And he smoked too, but I think it creates more anxiety too….

    All the stress in your life can do that – I think you may want to try seen a therapist first, not psychiatrist. I’m not a doctor and I can’t tell you what to do, but talking about your inner struggles/issues, whatever they might be could reduce your stress/anxiety and sometimes, I feel like you want to go about it without any medication. Believe me, I know medication can help many people…

    Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. I’m here for you. Stay strong, love.

    xoxo

  • 3 Men and a Lady

    December 10, 2009 |

    I went through a big anxiety-period last March. It lasted almost a month and I was pregnant and afraid to take the meds my OBGYN prescribed despite the pregnancy. The only thing that I can say that pulled me out of it was prayer. I prayed and prayed for God to relieve my worries and the overwhelming anxiety I was experiencing. I couldn’t sleep, had racing thoughts, it was awful. I hope you get out of it soon. And I think the same about marijuana. Back in the day it used to be the ultimate to take the edge off, then it turned on me and made me super anxious.

  • Morgan

    December 10, 2009 |

    I’m so so sorry you have to deal with this. While I can’t relate, I do feel for you and hope nothing but the best. You deserve nothing less. xoxo

  • Anonymous

    December 10, 2009 |

    As a medical professional(Psych RN)…you need to find a new MD STAT! He completely provided you with wrong information. There are VERY few patients who need to remain on anti-depressant/anxiety medications the rest of thier life. You need to see a psychologist/Social worker/RN who is trained in treating depression/anxiety. You need to get to the root of your problems and why you are depressed and anxious. Additionally, you need to look at your diet and exercise routine…as these are MAJOR factors in both depression and anxiety. Medications should be a last ditch effort…not a long term treatment. Part of the problem with our healthcare is that we as patients want a “quick fix” pill…and that is not how medicine works. I definitely would not take anymore medications until you see a new MD. Good luck!

  • Living and Loving in L.A.

    December 10, 2009 |

    I occasionally take Xanax for anxiety, but also took Paxil for a few years, which I wouldn’t recommend because it was like trying to quit heroin or cigarettes when I stopped taking it.
    I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way! And that’s so ridiculous that the doctor didn’t just tell you to wait until your appointment with the shrink next week! Anti-depressants take between 2-6 weeks to even begin to work, so to say you could “tell him how it’s working for you” is such nonsense.
    Hopefully your appointment next week will go better. I’d just flat out ask for something like Xanax from the other guy.

  • Claudia

    December 10, 2009 |

    I take Zoloft for post partum depression and I was terrified to be on it, but I am thankful that I take it. The only thing I really noticed about it (and I was started on 25mg which is hardly anything; the normal “average” dose is 150mg) was that I had this incredibly relaxed feeling. Eventually that feeling went away and was replaced by normal instead of the uber subdued.

    You will be okay!

  • myownlittleuniverse

    December 10, 2009 |

    that is the medication i started on, welbutrin. and for 2 weeks i had intense anxiety. it made it worse and i couldn’t even eat. i was twitchy and felt like there was electricity coursing thru my veins. it went away after the 2 weeks. then eventually i switched to zoloft. i think that one was much better. i hope the meds help you level out and also that you find a really good psychologist..therapist..not psychiatrist who only hands out meds. the therapy is what really got me beyond the panic. i was only on meds for a short time.

  • Rhoda

    December 10, 2009 |

    firstly, thank you for sharing your story. i think it’s an incredibly brave thing for you to be so open and i find it a wonderful thing when bloggers share more than what’s on the surface – there’s enough of that in the world!

    i’ve experienced panic attacks and mostly depression for years. i think the best thing i ever did was get into breathwork/rebirthing as all emotions are imprinted in our cells until we let them go (at least that is what i believe) – but that is not my reason for posting. we all have our journey and things will unfold as they should.

    one thing i would like to offer is an idea that the anxiousness you feel – ESPECIALLY as a creative person – is the an existential angst of needing to give birth to something in a particular direction, particularly something that is larger than yourself – a cause, a calling that contributes to the world – whatever you feel passionate about changing. the anxiousness, i believe is a rising within us of unexpressed potential. everyone who has ever sought for something to change (a situation, a state, a phase in their lives, etc.) has always found the answer in being aligned to something that causes positive impact for all. take it or leave it but i felt compelled to say it as i also believe that the world needs creative minds to come up with solutions never thought of before 🙂

    i hope you will find what leads you to a sense of freedom, however that presents itself.

    all the best,
    rhoda
    metaphoRmula.com

  • God Made Me fuNky

    December 10, 2009 |

    I am really sorry to see you go through all this. All my wishes and prayers are with you. Just hope that you find the right meds and very soon get out of this nightmare.
    Dont give up….you are one of the strongest person I have seen and I am sure you will come out of this.

  • Robin

    December 10, 2009 |

    Wow, you are the first person I’ve heard say outloud that they feel jittery under the skin…so did I! I still sometimes wakeup that way. Just like i’m vibrating. I take Klonopin and it has works wonders and gave me relief that I desperatly needed. 1mg once a day..worked wonders. Good luck honey, i’ve been where you are and it isn’t easy.

  • Grace

    December 10, 2009 |

    What a nightmare. I’ve felt like a guinea pig for four years now. Doctors testing rx’s on me for pain they can’t diagnose away. Its an awful, scary thing. Best to you love.

    Love Grace

  • Ana

    December 10, 2009 |

    hello megan. First, I apologize for my bad English. Second, I hope you are better. I had a time of my life with a problem like yours. I was medicated until I got fed up and decided that the nerves and fear I would win, I was strong and did not need pills. It helped me do breathing exercises and enjoy the little things. As for your pregnancy, if you’re quiet is difficult to be getting pregnant. I have a child of 2 ½ years, my advice: Calm down and make love and one day yes and another no during a month. If you do not get pregnant the next month the same. Believe me, is the best method. Also try to put my legs up (against the wall) for 20 min afterwards. If you understand Spanish, go a forum for moms who I have http://www.mamasvogue.forogratis.es.
    I send you a kiss and if you need anything, you can find in http://www.sloannstreet.blogspot.com. Write me if you need me. Take care.

  • ♥ Katinka

    December 10, 2009 |

    I’m so sorry! That sounds horrible. I’m glad you are feeling a little better now…

  • Dith

    December 10, 2009 |

    I hope u feel better Maegan. I’m sure u’ll bounce back tho

    p.s-I love ur blog

  • duckalicious

    December 10, 2009 |

    your doctor sounds like a really shitty doctor! wellbutrin sucked for me too, I was on it for a few months (for my depression) but things were getting so much worse I thought I’d go crazy. I decided to take matters into my own hands and switched back to cipralex which slowly got me back to “normal”. I think you should seriously consider changing that sucky doc! wish you all the best*

  • Amy

    December 10, 2009 |

    thanks for posting so openly and honestly about this! it’s good to know there are so many other people who are perhaps struggling with the same or similar things. this is why i don’t even bring up anxiety with my doctor…i’m so nervous over what would/wouldn’t be prescribed that it seems better to put up with it than to do something about it, which is pretty sad in itself.

  • shopping diet girl

    December 10, 2009 |

    I totally agree with Lizzy’s comment telling “Therapy can be wonderful and give you strategies to help control the anxiety, but medication can get you to a place where you can actually think clearly and implement those strategies effectively.”
    I’m also the anxious type, I went on meds for 2 years, it took long to feel strong enough to live with my panic moments, but I found myself capable of controlling them, and then, there were not-so-fearful,

    anyway, if pills make you so strong side effects, I’d go for the alternative methods I’ve read in comments, pills are a good solution in my opinion, but not THE ONLY solution,

    I’ve been reading your for some months now, although I don’t usually comment anywhere, but last night (I’m european, btw) I couldn’t help remembering your post, net is a strange thing when you wanna hug and comfort someone you haven’t ever met, :S

    I’m pretty sure my advice will be not well received, but it’s been something I’ve been thinking over and over for months now, when I read your posts. I tell you go for your dream. Stop waiting your panic, and living for today, that’s not a happy life!
    Do you want a house, go for it! When you feel fear, make yourself busy, too busy to think about fear, search for your home, sew for your home, make plans for it… do you want a baby? Search for treatments, investigate how expensive could it be, learn if there’s a good place or a good doctor in your zone, make plans for it…

  • Anonymous

    December 10, 2009 |

    your doctor seems like a proper idiot and imo you should get a second opinion by someone more specialized . He cannot just go on and give heavy meds like that. See your psychiatrist asap imo.

  • Anonymous

    December 10, 2009 |

    I’m kind of surprised he prescribed you both in one go like that. :/ Here’s hoping that your psychiatrist is much more attentive.

    I’m glad that you’re feeling much better and I agree with one of the above posters (I forget which one) that you definitely do NOT have to be on medication for life. While that may be true for some, it’s definitely not the case for everyone. Cognitive behavioral therapy is very effective in treating anxiety. You could also explore other options like biofeedback which would teach you to control your physiology (and therefore your anxious feelings).

    All this is not to say that medication is necessarily bad but there are definitely other options out there. 🙂 Best of luck!

  • Chic 'n Cheap Living

    December 10, 2009 |

    Maegan, thank you for sharing this story and so sorry to hear your experience. I’ve grown up with a few people with serotonin level imbalances.

    One of them has to take medication every day for probably the rest of his life. I was weirded out but he really thinks it helps and if it does, then it has to be done.

    There is no easy answer. You have to discover what works for you. Look to your husband and family for support. It will be a journey, but you are such a strong, lovely woman – you will remain so at the end of the journey.

    *Hugs*

  • so Spiffy April Marie Girl Japan

    December 10, 2009 |

    I don’t know how much advice more i could offer.. but I take solidarity and solace in knowing.. I’m not the only one either.. that alone make me feel better.. and just know getting to the core of what sets off your anxiety will help you battle it, it took me years and many therapists to find that out.. I still get them occasionally but I use exercise to help keep my Straining (sp)? levels up

  • Bubu

    December 10, 2009 |

    Hello Friend, I love love love your blog, it‘s very interesting!!! I really like your style!! i‘ll visit you many times for sure honey.

  • Bubu

    December 10, 2009 |

    Ohhh, you can visit my new fashion blog, today i‘ve published a very nice post, I write the link for you:



    http://www.mydarlingbubu.com/



    KISSES FROM SPAIN HONEY

  • Anonymous

    December 10, 2009 |

    OH!I know exactly what you are sayin!i started taking zoloft 5 years ago.after 2 months i noticed i was gain wieght so i changed them with ladose.2 years later i didnt need any pills!i stay cleaned for a year and then my anxiety came back so the doc told me to use welbutrin!i took it for a week and the same happened to me!everyday fuckin day i was like lost in space.now i only take half of ladose and my mind is back in its order!and really feel great!dont get afraid to talk with your doc and tell him anythin that matters!

  • Jenn

    December 10, 2009 |

    Been there. Hope your therapist is more competent than your doctor.

    PS Get a new doctor!!!!

  • Margarita

    December 10, 2009 |

    Love you blog!!!
    I have to tell you that your experience with your doctor is definitely something you should let other patients know about. Vitals.com probably has him there, and i know if I was looking for a doc, I’d want to know how insensitive he is about my anxiety…

    I hope you’re feeling better!!!

  • Gmr

    December 10, 2009 |

    Darling, what a nightmare!
    Anxiety problems are very difficult to solve by themselves and very often they need medication, although it’s common that patients do not like it. Like a psychologist I am,let me commented you, they may be necessary in your case, but I would try to consult another doctor or a therapist, and compare opinions.
    You also can help yourserlf with natural therapies such as yoga, tai chi or psychological therapy that help you to transform the anxiety into something you can carry on and positives feelings.

    About your medicine, maybe you take too much, or that your doctor was wrong in the dose, or you have to take them in the morning and not at night, or. .. Have your skin some red spots when you awekened in the night? if the answer is yes, then is probably you’re allergic to any component of the drug.

    Try to consult another therapist, honey.

    I hope you understand my response because express me in English and in such specific words is a bit difficult for me yet XD

    lots of very very very big kisses, and I hope you get better soon!
    You’re very brave to tell this story, and I always see you like a very strong woman! You worth it!

  • Anonymous

    December 10, 2009 |

    Don’t take meds. You don’t have a mental problem…just an energy issue. You should learn how to focuse all your energy. Try reiki and meditation, try breathing…
    Sorry for my english, I’m from Spain.
    Good luck.

  • Sara D.

    December 10, 2009 |

    Sorry to hear you’re dealing with this. I don’t know if you’re open to homeopathic medicine or not, but I am seeing a naturopath and she gave me ignatia amara to deal with some anxiety that I have (you can even order it on the internet, it doesn’t have to be prescribed). There is another Chinese herbal supplement that I’m taking called “Free & Easy Wanderer Teapills.” They seem to be working pretty well for me. If you are worried about sensitivities or side effect from pharmaceuticals, this might be another option for you. I’m convinced in the ability of naturopaths to help chip away at the root cause of our health issues. The journey to health can sometimes be a difficult one, I wish you the best of luck!

  • Anonymous

    December 10, 2009 |

    i have been on and off antidepressants for about 15 years. i do agree with your doc in a way that lack of serotonin is just a fact of your body – like mine. you need to fix that deficiency and it may be something you take meds for the rest of your life.

    i have taken like every med you could take. i live in louisiana so not med marijuana for me. i’ve tried it recreationally in the past and it just freaks me out. so you may be right to wait if it makes you anxious.

    something i’ve been taking for several months now are supplements. i take 5 HTP and sam-e and something else called stress j. they have made HUGE differences. so much more helpful than zoloft, prozac, wellbutrin, etc. no side effects for me. i’m not obsessive, anxious, panicky, angry, sensitive.

    it is a hard disease to fix. a lot of people i found react like your doc – a little whatever about it when it’s really crippling. i’m praying for you maegen =)

  • Anonymous

    December 10, 2009 |

    Been in the same boat…hang in there, breath, work on staying the now…breath…you are not alone…you have man that loves you and all of us, your adoring fans 🙂

  • Bruce

    December 10, 2009 |

    So this is what they mean when they say ‘side effects may vary?”.

    Makes me wonder what we did as a society back in the 1920s when these medications didn’t exist. Were we THAT clinically depressed and anxious?

  • JKreids

    December 10, 2009 |

    Been there.

    Take it like the dr prescribes! I am skeptical of drs and therapists but have learned that the advice they give me or the meds they prescribe only work if they’re used as they were intended.

    In your dr’s defense, Xanax did eventually make things worse for me when I took it. I was prescribed it in 2004 for panic attacks and at first it was lovely, I was floating, I didn’t have a care in the world… but then I developed a dependence and depression.

    In my experience, it’s better to take the lose dose meds daily rather than use the quick fix. Even if you were given Xanax or Klonopin, you wouldn’t take it until you were having an anxiety attack and it would take time to work. Seems better to take something that will supress the attacks indefinitely. 🙂

    Good luck! I understand. You’re not alone.

  • Linda

    December 10, 2009 |

    When I started taking Paxil, my anxiety attacks got worse. After the first couple of days it really helped me. I was able to push past the panic and see what was really going on.
    I’m slowly weaning myself off of Paxil, but if things get bad again I know I can go back on it.
    Hopefully you, your doc and your psychitrist can get you back to feeling normal.

  • Kay*

    December 10, 2009 |

    i’ve been a reader for a while but i think this may be my first comment.

    i’m always so impressed and touched with how corageous you are in sharing your experiences on the blog. i know many readers who are in similar positions must really appreciate it.

    to me – you’re not just this beautiful girl on the internet with amazing style and seemingly no issues (because so many of them seem to live in this land that is problem free) but you are REAL.

    thank you.

    oh – & i really think you should see a second dr. the fact that he was on his laptop makes me think he’s a touch insensitive (for the lack of a more blog appropriate word).

  • Closet Cravings

    December 10, 2009 |

    Sorry to hear that the meds that were supposed to help you, actually effed you up. That really sucks.

    You know what doesn’t suck though? Your recipe for no-bake peanut butter bars. I made them over the weekend, and they were fabulous. Next time I will add to boxes of powered sugar. =)

    BTW – you should checkout my Holiday Fashion Frenzy Giveaway – over $1,000 of fashionable gifts. I think it would be the perfect medicine for a little happiness.

  • Anonymous

    December 10, 2009 |

    I’m not as brave as you, so I’ll leave this as anon… I’ve been where you are with the anxiety. I thought I was going crazy when it first started to happen in college. I’ve been taking Lexapro for about 7 years now and I haven’t had a major attack since in 6 years 10 months. (it takes awhile for the meds to work according to my doc.)

    Yes, it scared me that I had to admit that I needed meds to “fix” me, but after I came to grips with that it’s been pretty great.

    Good luck! I know it’s a scary time.

  • Anonymous

    December 10, 2009 |

    I have been where you are Meagan. It was the worst time in my life. I suffered from anxiety for about a year back in 06-07. I thought I was going crazy for a while, went to the doctor’s about every week wanting/needing help.Was prescribed Wellbutrin which helped me. Btw, don’t those meds take about a week to take effect? It may have been your anxiety still not treated with the pill. I could go on with my story but basically what helped me most at that time was to make the changes in my life that I wasn’t dealing with. THERAPY big time helped.I was going about once a week for a while.The meds. Took up Bikrahm Yoga. Meditated. And read tons of self help books. It has been a few years now that I am about 95% anxiety free which is good enough for me.No meds anymore but I have been on them, reluctantly about 3 times in my life. They are there to help, not a band aid, but necessary. With proper peace of mind you may not need them forever.Don’t worry about that. Help yourself firs.
    Hope this helped a bit.

    Love you blog. I’m a new reader and have become addicted to reading it daily.

    Stay Strong,
    Lizeth A.

  • Hanako66

    December 10, 2009 |

    you will make it through this maegan. i believe that you are taking all of the right steps in contacting your doctor and a psychiatrist. i believe in modern medicine and know that you will find your way:)

  • Amy

    December 10, 2009 |

    I am so sorry that you are going through all of this Maegan. You are so brave to tell us your story and I know that you will make it through this. My comforting thoughts and prayers go out to you. GREAT BIG HUGS!!

    xoxo
    Amy

  • Comsat Keith

    December 10, 2009 |

    As someone who’s fortunately not had cause to visit a doctor of any kind for as long as I can remember, your checkup transcript is quite an eye-opener for me. That doctor seemed awfully casual about getting you on meds for the rest of your life. Is that normal? Well, like I said when you recently posted on your trouble, I’m no expert but I feel skeptical about the idea of medication for this. And it doesn’t exactly seem to’ve given you a great night’s sleep!

    I was also somewhat amazed at how readily he assumed you’d be happy to have a “special insert for your shoes”. Yeah, like that’s gonna happen! I mean, let’s be honest, your shoes probably give you at least 50% of your RDH* right? I can’t see you letting that get sabotaged with some weird insert which you’d surely feel, and which might even mess up the whole fit. And on a selfish note, I think I’d find your footwear at least 30% less seductive just thinking about you having a “special insert” rattling away inside it! Ok maybe I shouldn’t be joking around so much, but that’s just me. Plus I’m only a bloke of course, so this sort of insensitivity comes to me with almost effortless ease. 🙂

    Furthermore, I haven’t seen actual footage of you walking, but in your photos you’ve never struck me as being particularly lopsided or anything. On the contrary, you invariably look wonderfully balanced and natural, fully at ease in heels of any kind. Even yesterday when your pooch was trying to drag you along the pavement in your shiny blue disco pants! (He found something real good to smell huh?) So perhaps that will help put your mind at rest on that score? Maybe it was just some unusual rogue footwear playing up with you this time, or something else entirely. So I kind of hope you’ll steer well clear of the podiatrist and his special inserts (he can go insert them somewhere else), and perhaps also lob those hinky sweat-pills in the garbage. But whatever you do, I really hope you get a better night’s sleep tonight. Best wishes! – Keith

    *RDH = Recommended Daily Happiness

  • Clorivak

    December 10, 2009 |

    I am so sorry you are dealing with this chicky!!
    Just wondering if you ever tried going the natural route? Like through natural healing or have you ever been to a naturopath doctor? I highly recommend it. Especially being your husband & the medical marijuana thing..too cool.
    Most doctors are basically drug dealers (pills) and these prescription pills for the most part do way more harm than good. They just have sooo many side effects, a lot of anti-depressant drugs have a side effect of Suicide?!?!? terrible.
    There are so many natural herbs and minerals that our bodies are deficient in. My friend is an iridologist and she can look into your eyes and tell you what is wrong(its really cool), and than will recommend what you need to be taking. Like Omega Fatty Acids, etc etc..
    I’m just giving my two cents..hehe..I just don’t think anyone deserves to be putting all these foreign chemicals in their bodies, its all about the money in the pharmaceutical industry..there are some really interesting documentaries on the subject.
    You’ll make it through this, no doubt in my mind. 🙂
    Oh also I’ve been learning about natural progesterone cream, look it up. There are links to this and pregnancy amongst other things it helps like depression, etc etc.. I just got some.
    Take Care beautiful… 🙂

  • @FashionLuvr

    December 10, 2009 |

    Hang in there Maegan, you will get through it!

  • Down and Out Chic

    December 10, 2009 |

    NO, NO, NO. listen, seriously. wellbutrin is FANTASTIC for depression. trust me, i know. many years of knowing in fact.
    however, wellbutrin SHOULD NOT be prescribed for someone with severe anxiety. or it should be prescribed in conjunction w/an anti-anxiety. i’m sorry you’re going through this. i’d wait until i spoke w/a psychiatrist before taking anything else.

  • TERI REES WANG

    December 10, 2009 |

    Oh, Good!

    ..so now we know what doesn’t work.

    Breathe Baby Breathe.

  • Anonymous

    December 10, 2009 |

    Oh Maegan–I’m so sorry you’re going through this! you’re such a lovely spirit, and I know how it feels to really bug out. But you will overcome this, one way or another, you clever girl you. try to lock into all the good energy your readers send your way, we love you!

    xx

  • Anonymous

    December 11, 2009 |

    Maegan,

    I am really impressed by your blog and follow it with my girlfriends. I think you have a lot of intelligence, wit, and creativity.

    I am 32 now and what you are describing was very similar to what I went through and by the sounds of all the comments there are a lot of people do.

    I went through a variety of insensitive doctors and medications and often found the side effects worse.

    I read the book: “Your Drug May be your Problem-How and and Why to stop taking psychiatric medications” By Peter Breggin and David Cohen. I would never recommend to someone to stop taking medication if they feel it is helping but I feel like this book saved my life. Also I have heard that it is not safe to take these kinds of medications if you become pregnant.

  • hhh

    December 11, 2009 |

    first of all: like, NEVER do anything a doctor says if you dont trust him, ask for a second opnion.

    second: in case you want to follow doc´s recommendations, follow it all.
    probably, these 2 XXXX complete each others effect..thats why you felt so bad :/

    third> i seriously think you should look for a psychologist before going to a psychiatrist.

    in anyways, i dont know..i dont trust in doctors like that, he should´ve called you back!gosh..

  • Preppy 101

    December 11, 2009 |

    WTH?? Was your doctor as insensitive and cold and calculated as he sounds in the post? If so, hell with him. Find another doctor. You are still fearless. Yes, you are.

  • The Fabulous Gloria Blackwell

    December 11, 2009 |

    Have you ever considered hypnosis? To some people it sounds kind of crazy and out there…but it really helped for me get through a really anxiety filled time in my life. It’s incredibly relaxing and you are totally in control at all times. Try Googling it. There’s a good website called HypnosisDownloads.com based out of the UK (among others). It doesn’t solve all your problems but it is a wonderful way to calm down and find peace in your day without having to pop a pill. Think of it as another tool to help you get through this period. There are no side effects except being very sleepy (which I for one particularly enjoy!) When I was in therapy, I got the thumbs up from my therapist to continue with the hypnosis. Hope this helps…

  • Marbella Jewelry Designs

    December 11, 2009 |

    Maegan, I can totally relate to your condition. I suffered with severe anxiety for most of my thirties. I would love to tell you my story. It would be too long to comment on this blog.
    But I will tell you that finding the right doctor is EXTREMELY important. I saw so many drs, therapists, nurses and tried all kinds of therapy for years and no one got it right.
    I finally found a psychiatrist who listened to me and has helped me immensely.
    I have much improved and I would love to tell you what worked. There is hope. If you’d like, you can email me at marbellajewelry@yahoo.com
    we can talk on the phone, i am right here in So Cal in Palos Verdes.
    I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through. I would love to help.

  • Marbella Jewelry Designs

    December 11, 2009 |

    oh I forgot, don’t smoke pot, it makes it worse for some reason. meagan, i really know what that type of fear is, i used to have severe panic attacks. you are so young and beautiful, i would really love to help you. no one should suffer through this.
    if you should feel another attack coming, just know that it’s just that, nothing more. you are not going crazy and you are not going to have a heart attack. i know it’s hard when you’re actually experiencing the attack, but just know that it’s anxiety and not anything more. hugs
    sandra

  • Pretty Little World

    December 11, 2009 |

    I feel like I have to shout this, because from across the country there’s no actually hugging, so I HOPE THAT YOU’RE FEELING A BIT BETTER!!!

    Sometimes I feel like the medication is worse than the problem! When I quit smoking the dr. gave me antidepressants for the anxiety, and even on a 1/2 dose I was up vomiting every night…the dr. just said we’d try different pills until we found one that worked. Um, no thank you.

    Even though I know this seems like a horrible time, I just know that things for you will turn around!!

    XOXO

  • Tina♥

    December 11, 2009 |

    I;m so glad you told this story #1 i think it will be really helpful for more ppl going through your same situation and #2 i make my husband read your blog, he have some of the same conditions as you (hes on efexxor) and he throughly enjoyed your husbands profession. Hahaha

  • GamecockQueen

    December 11, 2009 |

    Oh yes, I remember the fearlessness of early 20s. I never ever worried about anything then! Never! I remember it as being really peaceful. I guess everyone says this, but that time was so carefree. I didn’t have a care in the world. Now I overanalyze and worry about everthing! I want to get my MBA and the only thing stopping me is knowing that I will become totally obsessed with my grades and hyper focus and I’m not sure I want to trade in my fun lifestyle for all that 🙂

  • Anonymous

    December 11, 2009 |

    Oh, sweetie. Thought I’d emerge from lurking to add a virtual hug to the tally.

    Do, please, get a second opinion. But also know that you are not alone in going through things like this, and it’s not your fault.

    No one can be fearless all the time, but I’m sure you’ll be back to your old self eventually. Never be afraid to get the help you need, you deserve to be a whole and happy person!

  • Anonymous

    December 11, 2009 |

    Meagan, I’ve been following your blog for a few months. I was drawn to it by your fashion advice and creativity, however slowly I noticed you mentioning the stress of every day life. I just got married this past summer and all of a sudden I can feel the stress start to creep up on me. I look at friends and family and can’t stop comparing my marriage and the things I have to the people around. Do we have a big enough house? My friend just bought a house 5x bigger. Should we have children now or wait? My friends are all starting to have babies. Will I be able to handle work and children? How will our lifestyle change if I become a stay at home mom? Should we save more before we have kids? And the questions and worries just pile on.

    I thought marriage was stuff of bliss. People ask me every day, since I’m newly married, how married life is. I put on a smile, but inside I honestly feel my life has become a whole lot more stressed. I am hoping this is just a phase and things will level out. Thankfully I still sleep at night, but I’m amazed I can do it with the added stress. My husband is wonderful by the way, just like yours seems to be, but I can’t stop worrying just the same.

    So I think you are feeling something that everyone feels to one degree or another. Thanks for writing this, it makes me feel that I am not alone. However, just wanted to add that you have something that not everyone has: a great gift for fashion, you are unbelievably creative (in making things and writing), and you are gorgeous. You probably have lots of other wonderful traits, but these are the ones that pop out instantaneously from your blog.
    Best of luck and love your blog!

  • Oh...dear me

    December 12, 2009 |

    your story is very inspiring to me since my health deterred in the past 3 years and I’m dying one day soon I have mental health issues and Prozac with Xanax is far from helping, but at least makes me numb, and I don’t cry as much as I used to!
    Maegan I really hope you feel better soon

  • Anonymous

    December 15, 2009 |

    You’re so brave to post this! Super hugs. I was on Effexor. It made my life a living hell. Then I did Lexapro. That was better and got me functioning again. I felt good enough to do a year of therapy which helped so much I went off the med completely and felt GREAT! A year later, the anxiety was coming back from time to time. I went to three doctors until I found one willing to give me a Xanax script to use AS NEEDED. Just knowing I have it is so helpful. I’ve used it three times in two months and it’s been perfect for me.

    Good luck. I know how frustrating it can be to live with anxiety. You feel like you can’t plan your life, that you have no control. For the first time I feel like I’m dealing with this in a way that’s working. It never would have happened if I hadn’t found a doctor who listened.

  • M

    December 15, 2009 |

    Hi Maegan,

    I don’t know much about anxiety and how you feel exactly but I would love to just leave a small comment. As I think many of your readers have said, just get off the meds, they will not get you anywhere. I think what you need is maybe a break and finding inner peace. You seem to have such a wonderful life, be proud, be Maegan and fight this. I think you can do it and specially without the meds.

    Loving your blog and admiring you!

    Be well!

  • Van

    December 15, 2009 |

    I had panic attacks last winter. So I know how you feel. My doctor was giving me the feeling of being crazy and abnormal.
    My therapist helped me out. There’s still angst, but I have no longer the feeling to die because of it.

    I wish you all the best. And remember you’re not alone!

  • Fletch

    December 15, 2009 |

    Zoloft really helped my anxiety and depression after I had my daughter.

  • Kara

    December 15, 2009 |

    Lexapro is a great med for anxiety. I’m on a low dose and it has been life changing for me.

    Wellbutrin did nothing for me other than the side effects.

  • gina

    December 16, 2009 |

    What an awful experience. Please, please see a psychiatrist about medication and therapy, not a general practicioner. So many people who have horror stories about depression/anxiety medication have prescriptions from general practicioners who mean well, but who simply aren’t as familiar with the intricacies of mental health and related medications as psychiatrists.

    Also, make sure your doctor LISTENS to you, and is willing to talk with you about your concerns regarding drug sensitivities, depression, and taking medication while pregnant, as well as whether or not to seek therapy. If your doctor is not doing all that, get a new doctor.

  • Anonymous

    December 16, 2009 |

    Yes, Wellbutrin did the same EXACT thing to me. I called the paramedics out to my house at 2:30 in the morning, the day I was starting a new job. I had my first anxiety attack that morning. I was taking it for depression. My mom was so terrified because she thought I was seriously dying when the paramedics called her to come to my house. I was keeping the medication a secret because I didn’t want my family to know what I was going through. I was off of it in less than a months time. I have not trusted anything else. Therapy will help. You just need to be able to get everything off of your chest without it costing someone elses feelings. Good luck and I hope the best for you.

    P.S I’m love your blog and your fashion sense.

  • Ashley

    December 17, 2009 |

    Hi Maegan,

    I’m really sorry your going through this i have the EXACT same thing. My doctor gave me Xanax. I have been on it for the last 2 weeks because I am just soooo anxious all the time. So far it’s been working it helps me concentrate and it makes me calm down a lot but on the flip side it affects your mood, sometimes in a good way but sometimes in a bad way too.

    Anyways, i REALLY hope you feel better soon.

    You are truly an amazing person. Your style is so unique, I am in school to be a fashion marketer maybe one day we can meet and go into buisness! 😛

    byeee! 🙂

  • C

    December 19, 2009 |

    Have not been reading blogs so I missed this… just remember that the holidays stress people out routinely because you are supposed to do 100 extra things and you are “supposed” to be happy, and then if you are not immensely happy, it is depressing. Holidays: they are not always all THAT fun. You should probably read up on the side effects of any meds they prescribe so that you will not be surprised and horrified by them…. Actually, after reading about your experience w/ the Welbutrin, it kind of makes your “natural” anxiety seem easier to deal with than that. 🙁

  • Kristen

    January 19, 2010 |

    you are fantastic. i follow you and read your blogs as much as i can. i adore your outfit posts!! and am thankful for honest bloggers like you with a sense of humor. 🙂 keep it up bc you ROCK!!