my crazy

I fear the fear returning to cause the anxious feelings I fear the most

I went to my doctor yesterday for a general checkup and to let him know that I’d been feeling anxious again. And after waiting about 10 minutes in the tiny room for my doctor whom I haven’t seen since 2005, he walks in, and sits down with his laptop.

First let me note that “waiting” is the number one cause of anxiety for me. Waiting in line – Waiting in traffic – Waiting Waiting Waiting Waiting. WAITING.

DOC: Hey Maegan. So, what brings you in here today?

ME: Well, a few things. I have been feeling very anxious lately …in fact, just waiting in here has got me a bit anxious right now.

DOC: What’s so scary?

ME: I’m not sure …I think mostly, the fear of the anxiousness causing me to feel like everything is really fast inside and subsequently becoming crazy because of it.

DOC: nodding, staring at his laptop

DOC: …and what’s with the ankle?

ME: Well, it hurts and it’s swollen {taking off my boots}

DOC: Stand up and walk so I can see …yeah, it looks like your foot is turning in and straining your tendons …I’ll send you to a podiatrist to get a special insert for your shoes.

ME: Um, when I wear heels it doesn’t hurt because it gives me that arch that I don’t have {thinking how the EFF am I going to fit a massive “insert” into my effing heels/boots, which I wear more than anything else?} …”Okay”, I respond.

. . . . . . . .

DOC: So it looks like you were on Efexxor …are you still?

ME: No, I only took it for a year and have been off of it since 2004

ME: I was really okay until recently … we started trying to get pregnant in 2007 and still nothing …and then with the birth of my niece …I think it was originally depression that has now turned into anxiety

DOC: It was just the catalyst …looking at his laptop

DOC: Your name is different …did you get married?

ME: Yes 2006

DOC: What does your husband do?

ME: . . . . ummmmm, actually, he owns and operates 2 medical marijuana dispensaries. {your welcome for that, internet}

DOC: So then he must be worried about what the city council decides.

ME: YES. He is worried daily

DOC: So why don’t you just use medical marijuana for your anxiety?

ME: Well I was …it helped me quit smoking cigarettes. But at the moment it is sort of making me MORE anxious and giving me that sped up feeling inside …almost creating a panic attack

DOC: Yeah, that’s what many people say

DOC: Okay so I’m going to put you on Wellbutrin and Zoloft

ME: What about more of an “as needed” medication like Xanax or Klonopin?

DOC: Those will just cause more depression {making a face}

ME: But I’ve scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist next week.

DOC: Great, you can tell her how it’s working for you

ME: staring.

DOC: Ya know, 50% of people who go off their meds go back on …and if they go off again, 95% go back on

ME: So I can be on it for the rest of my life?

DOC: Yes, it’s like any other condition. If you had a thyroid problem, you’d take your medicine to control it. This is the same. You have a serotonin problem and the medicine will just give you what you’re lacking.

ME: And what if I DO get pregnant while I’m on them?

DOC: You can just stay on them. Stress and anxiety while pregnant is worse for the baby than any of this.

ME: sigh* I’m REALLY sensitive to medication. Like REALLY.

DOC: I’m giving you a low dose …half

ME: . . . . . . okay

Accepting my fate, later on that evening husband and I went to pick up my prescriptions and I decided to take a Wellbutrin thinking it was the lesser of the two. I mean, people get prescribed Wellbutrin to quit smoking cigarettes …what’s the harm?

Around 2am I woke up on the couch in a sweat and a PANIC! I went upstairs {leaving husband peacefully asleep on said couch} and it took me about 45 minutes to calm down and over an our to fall back to sleep. I woke up again and seriously had SWEAT the entire bed. I was wearing leggings and they were soaked …down to my ankles, and a t-shirt I had to peel off my body. I mean WTF? …now, don’t get me wrong, I have been known to “sweat the bed” {especially when I was on Efexxor now, thinking back} but NEVER to that extent. EVER. And on top of it, I felt like I couldn’t get warm.

This morning I had about 15 minutes while still lying in bed that I felt okay then JITTERS. And I mean JITTERS like I had about TEN CUPS OF COFFEE JITTERS …and I was drinking herb tea with no caffeine. I couldn’t even eat my english muffin. I also had dry mouth, scratchy throat, and a weird tingling sensation in my right hand -first and middle fingers and palm mostly.

I got a bit scared and felt like I needed a good cry …but nothing. I couldn’t cry.

I called the doctor and gave the desk girl {for lack of better title} all of my symptoms and she said she’d have the doc call me back. Of course he hasn’t and I do feel much better now. A bit of dry mouth and tiny jitters left …but mostly just a weird feeling under my skin.

I’m pretty sure I won’t be taking that little white pill of torture again. As for the Zoloft, I guess I should have tried that one first {or just taken both like the doctor said} because now I’m scared to take anything at all. UGH.

What a day. What a nightmare. Why can’t I just be fearless like I was in my early 20’s?


Maegan Tintari

LA native & lifestyle blogger Maegan Tintari writes daily at sharing beauty & style secrets, including fashion DIYs, how-to nail art manicures, hair tutorials, recipes & home decorating ideas, as well as a look into her personal life, her journey & battle with infertility & recent relocation to the mountains by a lake in search of a better life with her adorable French Bulldog brothers, Trevor and Randy.

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