I Used to Get Sad Only When the Sun Went Down

What I’m Wearing…

* Vintage Modern Western Dress in Canyon Rose… This was another look I shot for Lee’s holiday campaign. Mine is a little big, so I’d definitely order your true size or even size down if you want a more fitted look. It’s on Sale right now too and available in 4 different colors.
* Vintage western belt
* Lee corduroy Barn Jacket in Oxford Tan… also included in Lee’s holiday campaign a few months ago (thus the long hair)… NOTE: This dress runs large so Order your size and plan on wearing a belt with it or size down. Lee is having a BOGO sale 60%off – This is a cute shorter blazer style by Free People I love!
* Walrus Castle Capri Fedora Hat… I adore this hat. It comes in a TON of colors too!
* Burgundy bandana ($5 from the local rite aid) as a neck scarf
* Old Sam Edelman boots… also seen with my corduroy coveralls
* Vintage Louis Vuitton monogram looping bag

* Title: Kacey Musgraves – Golden Hour… all that I know is that you caught me at the right time… you’re my golden hour, you set my world on fire… and I know, I know everything’s gonna be alright.

I spent the last five days wondering why my period didn’t show up last Saturday when it was due trying to balance my hopes of being pregnant with anxious fears that something was wrong and I finally received my answer late Thursday evening when the debilitating endometriosis cramps finally appeared closely followed by the gradual opening of the gates of hell.

Imagine what that might do to a 44 year old woman who spent her entire ’30s trying to get knocked up. To say there were emotional leaps of faith followed by terror and worry and wonder and confusion would be putting it lightly. This is to say that no matter what, when you’ve wanted something so badly and tried for over ten years to make it happen, it brings up a LOT of emotional turmoil when you think you might actually be finally getting what you’ve always wanted… in a time when you thought you didn’t want it anymore.

Just when you think you’re over it it returns with a vengeance. Just when you feel like you’ve made the choice and don’t actually want it anymore given your age and life circumstances and your bad ankle that might make carrying a child and raising a child even more difficult than it already is and being a first-time mom at 45… Just when you truly think you are over it and you don’t want it anymore, you can’t seem to stop your mind from dreaming of the future you had always hoped for and find yourself taking a pregnancy test early one morning and then reading NOT PREGNANT again, for what felt like the millionth time, and deep down that’s what you knew it would say but why is MY PERIOD SO LATE rage and sadness quickly take over the hopeful thinking that 2020 might actually end on a POSITIVE note.

But no.

How dare I even think that?

When you’ve been through years of infertility you tend to feel like a fool for even thinking it might actually happen for you…

A few weeks ago I watched a movie about a couple dealing with infertility and I didn’t get emotional, which led me to believe that I had really gotten past the whole thing… and then this happened as if to test my will, to test my beliefs and ultimately it showed me that I am not quite “over it” and you know what? I probably never will be, which is a lot to swallow, because there’s this other part of me that thinks that since I didn’t get to have kids then I have to do something truly amazingly HUGE with my life, which is a lot of pressure because what does that even mean and who am I anyway? Just another woman who couldn’t pregnant. There are a lot of us. And we are sad. Because it wasn’t a choice. We just wish it was.

Happy Friday Lovecats!

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